Men bleed too

Sukulwenkosi Dube-Matutu, Matabeleland South Bureau

GENDER based violence continues to be an overlooked battle for men, fought in silence but with far reaching consequences, the worst being loss of life.

Experts say societal expectations and norms remain a hindrance in men opening up on domestic violence. The gender equality movement has also exacerbated the situation as it has seen girls and women being empowered and capacitated while leaving men a step behind.

From a tender age, young boys are raised to not only be physically strong but emotionally resistant, not allowing life’s circumstances and challenges to crush their spirits. Fast forward to manhood, men have not been at liberty to show emotional weakness — creating an impression that they are not susceptible to emotional vulnerability and hurt.

Even in emotionally draining situations like the loss of a loved one, grief, poverty, loss of employment, divorce, heart break, abuse at home or the workplace, men have been expected to get a grip. What then becomes paramount is whether this gender, which is expected to be “unemotional” actually is?

Statistics in Zimbabwe show that men are victims of gender based violence too, with studies indicating rates of intimate partner violence affecting both sexes, though women are disproportionately affected. Research highlights that up to one in seven men experience GBV, facing physical, emotional and sexual abuse, often silenced by cultural norms around masculinity.

Men suffer physical, emotional, psychological, sexual and economic abuse from female partners, notes a Midlands State University study.

Men often remain silent due to cultural beliefs that masculinity prevents them from being victims, coupled with a lack of awareness about support systems. Boys also face significant physical and emotional abuse. According to a Unicef study, 60,9 percent of boys experienced physical violence from adults, and about a third experienced emotional violence by age 18.

Calls have been made for research and support for male victims, as most GBV data focuses on women and girls.

*Mr Bernard Sithole said men go through a lot but are often expected to carry on with life normally. He said men have been unfortunately labelled as a gender that does not care much about a lot of things.

“As men, we are often under a lot of pressure, being the breadwinners and expected to provide for our immediate families and also extended family. Sometimes we might be viewed as being normal and carefree but deep down we will be trying to figure out how we will take our families through the next day.

“We desire to see our wives and children living comfortably with their day to day needs catered for. We also desire to support our parents, in laws and other relatives the best way we can. If I fail my children and family then I would have failed as a man and father,” he said.

Mr Sithole said as a man, he is always under a lot of stress at work, sometimes being persecuted for offences that he would have not committed. He said the long hours at work, low salary and ever increasing workload does not make the situation any better.

Mr Sithole said leaving the job is no option despite how stressful and abusive the work environment may be as he is supposed to fulfil his duties as a provider. He said after a long stressful day at work, he will be expecting to find solace at home but it sometimes feels like moving from one war zone to another.

“When I get home after a long stressful day at work, I will be expecting my home to be a safe space but often it’s not that way. Sometimes I find my wife in a bad mood. Sometimes she will be angry because I arrived home late yet I would have been at work enduring frustrating conditions.

“Sometimes the moment I get home, I get bombarded with a lot of questions and demands on what is needed at home. This is taxing emotionally considering that I would be burdened and in need of some time to rest. It would be ideal if I got some time to recuperate first before handling other matters,” he said.

Mr Sithole said it would be ideal for his feelings and expectations to be considered and understood as a human being.

*Mr Brian Ncube said the harsh words he is told at home are more painful than a knife piercing the heart. He said his wife sometimes fails to control her temper and utters some derogatory words that leave an emotional dent, which even time cannot heal. He said after such harsh encounters, his wife expects him to switch back to normal, overlooking the emotional damage she would have instigated.

“The way my wife behaves at times is as though she thinks I have no emotions. She can insult me and a few minutes later come back all jovial and happy and she will be expecting me to automatically shift to that mood.

“That’s not possible because the person who would have been insulted and hurt emotionally is me and not her. She has to understand that I also get hurt when she says mean things as I’m a human being. There are always amicable and civilised ways of resolving our issues without demeaning the other person,” he said.

Mr Ncube said as men, they usually move around emotionally battered but have to keep it together. He said he is sometimes persecuted because of women who will be interested in him and in desperate need for his attention.

*Mr Thamsanqa Tshuma said coming out in the open about emotional abuse is difficult as it will be a sign of admitting defeat. He said opening up to his wife on the emotional trauma she is causing him will just lead to further insults on how he is not man enough.

Mr Tshuma said to escape this torture, men are often forced to find temporary ways to relieve themselves but they do not bring any solution to the problems as they remain there.

Social scientist Reverend Muiti Sibanda said the effects of gender based violence against men are causing mental challenges and in some instances tragic incidents.

He said society has created a mindset that it is not possible for a woman to abuse a man.
Rev Sibanda said men suffer loneliness and isolation with their experiences of gender based violence.

“Our society has from time immemorial followed a patriarchal system, which favours men and boys over women and girls. When activists came in to reverse this unfairness by empowering girls and women, they focused more on the female gender leaving out the males.

“The women have become overprotected and over empowered while neglecting the men. The challenge is that we now have over empowered women and under empowered men. The women were guided and nurtured on how to claim power from men but the men were not empowered on how to relinquish this power gradually. Women are now emotionally stronger than men,” he said.

Rev Sibanda said men have been neglected, thereby creating another crisis which needs to be addressed. He said the new system, which sought to fight patriarchy has actually brought suffering on men. He said women have been equipped and capacitated on how to share their problems but men have been left and few platforms have been created for men to offload and share.

“Men don’t share when they are being abused because they are still holding onto the patriarchal line of thinking where men are supposed to be strong and not victims. Women can easily share their problems and challenges as they were socialised and empowered to share on abuse but men were not empowered to do so.

“Men can’t even share with family members or the police because it’s not acceptable according to societal expectations. We have many cases of suicide happening just because of the physical and emotional torture that men will be going through,” he said.

Rev Sibanda said some men have resorted to high levels of substance abuse as a way of escapism from gender based violence. He said some women were now abusing the protection they have been given under the activism drive.

Rev Sibanda said emotional abuse also comes through cheating, which is now prevalent among married women. He said cheating causes severe emotional trauma to men because of patriarchal socialisation adding that some men choose to end their lives or resort to violence while a few will live through the trauma of being cheated on. Rev Sibanda said some men are constantly assaulted by their wives but pretend all is well.

Marriage counsellor, Reverend Sipho Mhizha said every human being is an emotional being. He said there is need for interventions from organisations that focus only on the boy child and men.

Rev Mhizha said some reactions and behaviours from men are as a result of the pain they are going through.
“In my work as a marriage counsellor, I have come across a number of cases where men are sexually starved at home, which pushes them into infidelity. The unfortunate part is that men are not able to share these challenges with their spouses.

“Some men are also facing situations where they are falsely accused of rape by women who will be trying to fix them. Some men also face circumstances where several women put pressure on them and demand to have a relationship with them despite their marital status. This becomes too much for men to cope with,” he said.

Matabeleland South provincial police spokesperson, Inspector Chiratidzo Dube said they receive isolated cases of domestic violence cases, which are perpetrated by women against men. She said the cases are mainly reported when victims suffer injuries and need to be hospitalised. She said the police through awareness campaigns continue to urge men to report cases of domestic violence.

Insp Dube said through the Victim Friendly Unit, men can now report cases to the police and be guaranteed professional treatment. She said women are also being educated against being perpetrators of domestic violence.
***Not his real name