Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
Not every marriage in crisis is abusive.
But many abusive marriages are dismissed as “just having problems”.Behind closed doors, some spouses are living with fear, humiliation, control and emotional exhaustion while being told to pray harder, submit more or keep quiet for the sake of family and faith.
The tragedy is that abuse often hides in plain sight, wrapped in the language of love, duty and forgiveness. Until we learn to recognise it, we cannot heal it.
Every week, this column celebrates love, commitment and the hard work that keeps marriages together. But there is another side to the story we do not talk about enough.
What happens when the person who promised to love, protect and cherish you becomes the source of your deepest pain? What happens when what looks like ‘normal’ challenges in marriage, is actually something far more damaging? These are uncomfortable questions, but they are questions we must ask if we truly want healthy marriages.
“Just pray about it.” For many men and women trapped in abusive marriages, those four words have become a sentence rather than a solution. Abuse does not always announce itself with bruises or broken bones.
“Sometimes it arrives as control, intimidation, humiliation and fear disguised as love. Sometimes it hides behind scripture, family expectations and the pressure to keep up appearances.
“And when we fail to recognise it, we risk asking people to survive what they should never have to endure.
This week, I turned to “Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse” by Steven R Tracy, a theologian and counsellor who has spent years helping survivors understand their experiences and begin healing.
His message is one every husband, wife, parent and church leader needs to hear: abuse is not simply a marital issue. It is a misuse of power that wounds the soul of any survivor. Abuse is any pattern of behaviour used to control, demean, exploit or silence another person.
In marriage, abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal, financial or spiritual. It may look like threats, humiliation, intimidation, manipulation, forced sex, controlling finances, isolating a spouse from family and friends, or using faith and scripture as weapons rather than sources of guidance and love.
Tracy also challenges us to examine our own behaviour honestly. Many people who are abusive do not see themselves that way. They justify their actions as discipline, correction, protection or anger.
A simple question helps expose the truth: does your behaviour make your spouse feel smaller, fearful, confused or voiceless? If it does, then something is wrong. Love does not control. Love does not terrorise.
These questions are not about condemnation. They are about accountability.
The same principle applies to parenting. When a child witnesses intimidation, fear and disrespect, those patterns often become normalised. When a child sees parents listening, apologising and protecting one another, they learn that love can be both strong and safe.
The author also speaks directly to the church, which is where many couples seek guidance when their marriages are in distress. The church should be one of the safest places on earth for a wounded soul.
Too often, however, abuse has been overlooked, minimised, misunderstood or even perpetuated. Many struggling spouses have been told to pray harder, submit more, forgive faster or remain silent to protect family reputations and church ministries. Tracy argues that this misunderstands both scripture and abuse.
In his view, forgiveness does not require someone to return to danger. Submission does not mean accepting cruelty. Grace does not remove consequences. Honour does not demand silence about wrongdoing.
For pastors and church leaders, the responsibility is clear. Abuse must be recognised, confronted and stopped. Scripture should never be used to manipulate, control or frighten people into obedience. Healthy spiritual leadership protects the vulnerable.
Church leaders must also learn to recognise warning signs. A spouse who suddenly becomes withdrawn. A partner who appears fearful to speak. A relationship in which one person dominates every conversation. These may be indicators that something deeper is wrong. In such situations, I reckon safety must come first. Accountability must come first.
One of Tracy’s most practical lessons concerns how we respond when someone confides in us. When a friend, sibling, neighbour or fellow church member tells you they are being abused, your response matters. Do not minimise their experience with simple spiritual clichés.
Rather say: “I believe you. I’m sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault” This can become the beginning of healing, especially if you then help connect them with appropriate resources or professional assistance.
Tracy emphasises that abuse is not only a spiritual issue but also a safety issue and, in many cases, a legal one. Prayer is essential, but prayer is not a substitute for protection. If someone is being physically assaulted, sexually abused or if a child is at risk, the relevant authorities and professionals must become involved. Faith and practical intervention belong together.
For survivors, healing is often a gradual process. Counselling, support groups, healthy boundaries and rebuilding self-worth all play a role. Abuse convinces people they are powerless, worthless and alone. Healing slowly replaces those lies with truth: God is good. Your life has value. Healthy love exists.
And if you are the person who has caused the harm, there is still hope, but not without responsibility. Healing begins with honest confession, genuine accountability and a commitment to change.
“Excuses are not enough. Promises are not enough. Real transformation requires consistent action, support and willingness to confront destructive patterns.
Let us keep the conversation going in the quest to build marriages and churches where abuse is not entertained but named, confronted and healed.
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