Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope this letter finds you well. I am a recent university graduate aged 23 and the firstborn in my family. I have been dating a good man for the past three years and we love each other deeply.
He is educated and gainfully employed. The only problem I have is that he is quite rigid. He insists on having things done his way and refuses to compromise.
We have already made the necessary introductions to our tetes on both sides. My concern now is that he wants us to have a trial marriage to see if we are compatible before he pays lobola. He has set this as a condition. Amai, I am confused. Please help!
Response
I am well, thank you for reaching out and congratulations on getting a university degree. My view is that your boyfriend is self-centred. Unfortunately, that is the opposite of what marriage demands.
Marriage is fundamentally about compromise. Once you tie the knot, decisions must be made together, not by one person alone.
In our conservative culture, there is no such thing as a “trial marriage”. You are either in or you are out. I advise both of you to seek professional premarital counselling. It will help you both to understand each other better and prepare for the journey ahead. I wish you all the best.
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Between a rock and a hard place
Dear Amai, I am a 34-year-old married man and a father of two beautiful children. I am gainfully employed and my wife runs a small, successful vegetable stand. We currently live in a rented home, but managing the rent is becoming difficult, especially with young children. My in-laws, who are retired, are preparing to move permanently to their rural home in January next year.
They have generously offered us their four-bedroom house to live in rent-free until we get on our feet. The only condition they have set is that we keep one room free for them when they visit the city. However, some members of my family are advising me to turn down this offer, arguing that it is improper to live in my in-laws’ home. My elder brother even said it is taboo.
Response
Greetings, dear writer. You are absolutely right, renting can be quite challenging, especially with a young family. In most cases, the experience of such arrangements depends entirely on the environment and the people involved. Let me congratulate you on being considered trustworthy enough by your in-laws to be offered the care of their home. It is not taboo at all. In fact, it is a thoughtful gesture that will allow you to save money for the future and provide a better life for your family.
Your in-laws clearly trust you. It is now up to you to prove them right. Receive this honour wholeheartedly. When making major family decisions, consider where your bread is buttered. Your in-laws are now like your own parents; how you relate to them will determine how smoothly things go. Take up the offer and I believe you will reap the rewards. The very people who are discouraging you now will likely be the first to applaud your wise decision later.
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To do or not to do?
I am a single man aged 24 and deeply in love with a 35-year-old single mother of two. I am gainfully employed and my girlfriend works as a cross-border trader. I have made arrangements to pay lobola early next year, but I am not receiving support from my family, especially my parents. My mother has vowed to have nothing to do with me if I marry this woman. Last week, my father followed me to my girlfriend’s house and he was very harsh towards her. Amai, I love her beyond measure, along with her two children, who are in Grade Two and Four. How can I convince my family that I am serious about her?
Response
You left out a lot of details. I would have wanted to know more about your lover so that my response would have been based on facts rather than assumption. I would have liked to know why your parents are opposed to your relationship. I understand you are deeply in love, but allow me to highlight a few things you may not have considered. Think about the welfare of the two children. Have you made plans for their education, medical needs and accommodation?
Also, have you thought about their biological father/s? They have a duty to provide for and see their children. You will need to consider how to handle that dynamic. When your girlfriend travels for business, who looks after the children? There is also a significant age difference of more than a decade. Are you comfortable with that and have you thought through the long-term implications of this? I encourage you to have an honest discussion with your parents to understand their concerns. I also recommend premarital counselling to help you both prepare for responsibilities that lie ahead. In the end, the decision lies with you. Please reflect carefully and keep me posted.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
