And the Big Hair Award goes to ……

Bar Talk with Bra Gee
This week we start with a word of caution for all men. Teenagers are not women to be married. They are young girls who should be left under the custody of their parents and guardians until they are civilised members of the society, even if they come to you begging for sex and marriage.
They should also be given time to get an education so that they can develop rational thoughts and learn to view life in a balanced manner whereby they will accept that an ex is someone you were once intimate with. And that just as they snatched you from another, you can be snatched back.

But if men insist on cradle-snatching, you will find yourself scalded with boiling cooking oil or stabbed to death. And you will get little sympathy from us for your scars or your corpse, for we are telling you that hell hath no fury like a teen girl married.

“We was bombed!” screamed media headlines this week. We are still laughing at that after seeing the picture of a police officer peering real hard at the ground trying to find evidence of this ‘bomb’. And as for the promise that no stone will be left unturned, yawn!

We would suggest that the police concentrate on real crimes and assist the numerous citizens who are robbed, conned and raped every day instead of going after some silly childish pranksters who surely do not deserve all this attention.

We would also rather the force uses its energy to keep the Salarygate investigations going full steam ahead. What happened to the report on the dirty that has filled the operations of the now sunless city which was allegedly handed in to the police last year? We have already declared our special interest in this.

Please act urgently on that one while we await the outcome of the forensic audit at ZBC because we need a picture of another ‘chef’ in irons or prison garb for our article next week. We really do not care about some bottle thrown at a gate pillar of a rather unimportant man whose antics are only of importance to his fellow losers.

On the issue of the now sunless city, we were highly interested in hearing that our councillors went all the way to Kariba and booked themselves aboard a luxury houseboat for a ‘team building exercise’. It turned out that one member was batting for the wrong team, but that is not really our beef.

Our issue is with the councillors leaving us waterless, rubbish logged and potholed while they gallivanted off to Kariba to spend our dollars. Why could they not do their bonding stuff in the comfort of the empty mayoral mansion?

I would bet my last dollar that the only reason for that excursion was to get an excuse to ‘chop our money’. Otherwise they could have filled a few potholes which would bring a big bond between the councillors and the ratepayers. That is what really matters and there would be no stories of attempted break-ins via the back door.

Okay, so the be-turbaned cheesy singer with a braying voice who should go back behind bars is not the only female singer with an enormous regard of herself. Now the afro-crowned woman also thinks that she is the best thing since bread got sliced, toasted and buttered and believes she should have been crowned the best of the best.
We have a word for you Madam of the tribe from the banks of the Zambezi. With such a big impression of yourself and an ego the size of the Titanic before it sank, you do not need any external accolades. So stop crying for a NAMA that was never yours and keep up your own self-praise choir ripping!

Tell us what songs do you sing? Do they know you in the ghetto or are you another one whose music needs a listener eating some bitter cheese (to explain the regular winces) and a lot of wine (to dull the screeches)?

Except for the reporters who extol your virtues and the diplomatic corps who do not know any better, who likes or even knows a single one of your songs?

We dare you to stage a show all on your own at the Chitungwiza Aquatic Complex or even in Harare Gardens and see if you will even get 50 paying fans.

We took a poll in the usual place and the regulars agreed that if you take away the hairstyle they have nothing else to say about you. In fact we discovered that you only perform at a small venue but even then you have to be buttressed by other artistes.

So we agree that you are far from getting the award that you are crying for. But because we are very kind, we are proposing that NAMA introduce a new category next year; The Big Hair Award, and we are sure that you will be certain to scoop that one.

Meanwhile keep on taking your act to Burundi or wherever it is where they have never seen another Zimbabwean act and have no standard to hold you up to while you leave us in this country to enjoy the musicians that we deem worthy of awards.

Meanwhile we are really sorry that we did not forward our names to the right places to garner invitations to the wedding of the century and will have to spend the day green-faced with envy like all the other sour buddies complaining.

Till next week, bottoms up!