Arena: Funeral etiquette: Is it necessary?

proffered that bereavement should bring people together in unity instead of causing animosity and divisions.
One reader responded: “I just want to express my utter shock and disbelief at the way the mourners are reported to have behaved towards Mr Morgan Tsvangirai at a funeral of our national hero Cde Edgar Tekere. Thank you for bringing this issue up in the same paper that reported it as if it was good news. I am not so much into politics, but to treat a mourner along political lines is really unAfrican.
“We are not invited to attend a funeral but it’s something that comes from within. As my veteran President put it sometime back: even if he had not been invited to Susan’s funeral, he would have paid his condolences because that’s the proper thing to do. I don’t know how The Herald will write about it if the Prime Minister fails to turn up for the burial tomorrow. If this same Prime Minister had not paid his condolences, I also don’t know how this could have been reported.
“I think supporters from all political parties should desist from such behaviour and take a leaf from our President who also taught our Prime Minister that there is more that unites us than what divides us, especially on such occasions.”
Cde Tekere’s burial has come and gone, but I remain burdened. This writer’s statement that mourners are not invited to funerals is important, but very often taken for granted.
Although we have many registers regarding our cultural belief systems, is it possible to draw up a funeral etiquette manual – how people should attend funerals; how they should pay condolences and whether there should be a dress code and/or particular food served at funerals.
Should that funeral etiquette “manual” be drawn by the deceased’s family members and the church, if he or she was a believer?
But, maybe I will dwell more on attendance and paying condolences. When death robs you of a loved one, you want all and sundry to come and condole you. You want them to come and share in your grief. You want them to feel what you feel and understand the pain you are going through. You want to share with them all the beautiful moments you had with your dearly departed, not the ugly ones.
This is why wailing, especially among the womenfolk is considered very important. In some countries, they have professional wailers.
Paying condolences is so crucial in our culture because people take that extra mile to travel long distances, borrow money just to go and pay their condolences.
One of the statements one often hears is, “If I don’t go now, how will I face the bereaved when I meet them? It’s not proper to go after a lengthy period.”
Even newspapers have taken this cue. We read obituaries of notable personalities a few days after their deaths because if they wait for weeks on end, that particular death might be overtaken by other events and the obituary, though important might be meaningless to readers. The same with people, if you wait, there will be more events to attend to, and in the end, you will forget about that other funeral.
But on paper, it sounds fine. The mourners at Cde Tekere’s death were not the first people to do that, and although it assumed a political flavour, these things are quite common. The reason why it was newsworthy was because we were dealing with notable figures.
The truth of the matter is that some of our funerals end up like circuses and a total disrespect for the dead and other meaningful mourners because of the goings-on.
This particularly happens when a married woman passes on. Mourners end up being indirectly turned away because of the ridiculous demands being made by the deceased woman’s family. Some of these events have been adequately reported by the media, where lobola has been paid for a dead woman when the in-laws could have asked for it when she was still alive.
The register called “kuridza mhere” (reporting death) is so fraught of embarrassing incidents, with in-laws saying of the dead woman, “Isu wedu ariko” (As far as we are concerned, our daughter is alive).
This normally happens when the woman would have died suddenly and/or under unclear circumstances. In order for them to attend their daughter/relative’s funeral, a lot of money has to be paid, including transportation.
When the transactions are taking place with mourners sometimes unaware that the families are fighting, they get confused, and leave. Some do not come for the funeral vigil because they would not want to be seen as though they are taking sides.
When in-laws demand lobola for the deceased woman, in most cases delays the burial process. This antagonises people and does not put the families in good standing.
Just like newspaper obituaries, which are time bound, this applies to every funeral where things should be done on time.
Some of the expectations people have of who should do what at a funeral end up “chasing away” mourners. A good example is “varoora” and “vakuwasha” (the sons-in-law and daughters-in-law). It is as if they are the only ones who are supposed to work – looking for firewood; cooking; doing the dishes and serving people.
What happened to that spirit of sharing in the bereavement, including the chores that are performed? Some of these people might attend, but are they performing the chores in love?
The sharing of food has also chased away mourners, when food is given on the basis of “who is who?”
Multiculturalism in urban centres has also affected the way people attend funerals. In rural areas, it does not matter whether or not you are family members and, people are not worried about distances they travel because they are still closely knit communities. And, the goings-on are usually not different from the other funeral you attended in another village. But, in urban centres, it’s a different kettle of fish.
The nights of vigil can be devoted to singing and drumming of all sorts. This is quite common in high-density suburbs. If ground rules are not defined right from the beginning, the funeral turns out to be one big party for the youths, especially when alcohol is provided. This is when some mourners (even family members) will be indirectly chased away. You often hear some saying, “Chingotiudzai urongwa kuitira kuti tizive kuti zviri kufamba sei, tozosangana kumakuva”. (Just tell us the programme so that we know what next to do, and we will meet at the cemetery). This is because they don’t agree with what will be going on, but because it is a funeral, they cannot stop it.
While the church has become one of the strongest pillars in times of bereavement, this writer has witnessed a number of occasions when the church (different denominations) did the exact opposite – to mourn with those who mourn.
In some churches the way they treat the death of their own depends on a number of variables: how active was that member; did he or she hold a leadership position; what is his or her social status (economically); what do the church records say about the way they paid offerings and/or tithes, etc?
One of the first things some churches do when informed about the death of a member, is to check their register to ascertain whether that person was indeed one of them, and to also ascertain whether they paid whatever the church wanted them to pay.
If the records say otherwise, then you can rest assured that the church will not bother, and/or if they do participate, it will be at the lowest level. This is when people start wondering why they should bother going to church, if the church can ignore their own.
I am not saying that all church denominations behave like this, but the incidents encountered are one too many to make one wonder.
The Biblical Lazarus lived with his two sisters Martha and Mary, and the house was owned by one of the sisters. But, the Lord Jesus still loved him enough to make him a personal friend. Why are registers for the dead necessary, when death should be an opportunity to preach the gospel and show the Lord’s love?
Lack (of financial resources) has also kept well-meaning mourners from funerals because some use funerals as places to show off. In some cases, people are forced to make ridiculous contributions towards the burial even though they might not have the means. The next time there is a funeral in the family, they avoid it, make excuses, which turns them into liars. Is it necessary?
People are now scattered all over the globe. Some funeral wakes last weeks, while mourners wait for someone who is in the diaspora. Again, in such changing times, is it necessary? Does that diminish that person’s love for the deceased?
Surprisingly, death and the way we treat bereavement are issues that are well talked about across cultures. Below is some of the stuff I picked up on the Internet. Sue Fox wrote, “Many otherwise well-mannered people avoid funerals and other memorial services because the occasion is sad and often emotional. Knowing a bit of the etiquette involved can help ease the discomfort.”
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