Online Reporter
Fadzayi Maposah
Correspondent
THERE are so many people who are loved the way that they do not want.
The ones around them continue to give the love, but not to their satisfaction. In the end there can be conflict. On the other hand one is saying that their love is not being appreciated, while the other party says that they are not being loved! It is a lot. With time, relationships crack and outsiders wonder what really went wrong.
As I age, I have learnt not to judge people. What I see is not the whole picture. It is like the hippo in the water.
Just because I see the eyes and nose does not give me the confidence to describe what a hippo looks like. The bigger part of the hippo is submerged in the water.
This month of love, we have talked about the language of love. It is frustrating to love someone without being reciprocated.
The question an individual should ask themselves is; “Am I loving them the way that they want to be loved?”
Then the next question is how does one ask how one wants to be loved. The relationship should be able to bear the weight of questions and honest answers from a point of understanding.
Relationships are a lot of work and one of the main attribute is making the other partner free and safe. If one is in a relationship and they dread opening up, then it is no longer safe.
I remember when we were growing up, when we had visitors at home. As soon as we had finished greeting them, we would go to the kitchen and prepare something for them to eat.
It could be a cup of tea with bread or muffins, if we had baked, or even biscuits. Instead of the tea, there could be cool drink while we prepared sadza and some relish.
To be honest, I do not remember cooking rice for visitors who had come to our house. It could be because my parents were faithful sadza fans or it was just appropriate to cook sadza? I shall have to ask my mother why it was so. Imagine, I have not asked her and I turned 54 early this month!
One thing that was taboo in our family was asking a visitor if we could give them food.
It was an unwritten rule that visitors were not to be asked if they wanted an food.
The explanation that we got was that if was offensive to ask someone if they wanted food.
I remember once we had visitors at home and my sister Nyari and I went to prepare tea. Back then, the assumption was that everyone took tea with milk. When one was preparing tea for visitors, more milk was added, maybe just as a way of letting them know how special they were!
So in the teapot we brewed our tea and added lots of boiled milk then in single file went to the lounge to present our food.
Nyari with the hand-washing dish and me as the older one with the heavy enamel tray with the cups, sugar basin, side plates with margarine and jam sandwiches and the brown teapot which had to be positioned well so that it would not tilt and burn the bearer.
The tray would be gently placed on the coffee table, then it would be time to serve the visitors. Nyari would assist them wash their hands and then I would give them their food.
It was with a lot of shock that we heard one of our visitors announce that she did not take milk. That was news to us. Nyari did not take tea, but she enjoyed cups of milk each time that we had tea.
We had been schooled to understand that having tea with milk was a standard or measure of good living.
Many homesteads had lemon trees that were under-utilized, the lemons were used in tea only when the cows did not produce adequate milk, and when that happened, the tea consumption goes down!
This has since changed, there are many people who can afford to buy milk but opt to have black tea. Now the lemon which used to be shunned has become a favourite for many.
We had to rush and make black tea for our visitor. After that, we knew that she was a black tea person.
Now when people have visitors, they ask if they can offer them something, this does not sit well with my mother!
When asked if a visitor would like something, the choices of what is available is listed. It assists the hosts because these days they are various diets that people are on! You will cook a whole pot of sadza, only to have the visitors tell you that they are off starch! The variety of food these days is beyond count.
As February ends today, let us remember to ask how people want to be loved.
May we take off our judging wigs and allow people to be loved the way they want.
Where I work, many people come for various health services. Someone is comfortable with a partner accompanying them, but is happier if the partner remains at the reception reading magazines and books that are readily available.
Others will chose to go with their partner to the procedure room. Both clients are right and know what they want.
It would be wrong for the service provider to ask them to be together.
Not all support has to be physical. The partner may even pay and opt to sit in the car or on the bench outside.
It is within their rights to do so. I have heard people force men to be present when their wives delivering in the maternity rooms.
The process is not for everyone. Some women when in labour opt to have their sisters, mothers, aunts or even friends in the delivery room, these may be accused of having something to hide.
How difficult can it be to say how you want to be loved? How difficult may it be to accept that the way you want to love may not be the right way for the one you love?
