BAR TALK: Of legendary show that never was, big fish who got away

Bra Gee
The fixer
Last week we roused ourselves from our midweek drink fest to marvel at one Wilson Raj Perumal, a convicted match fixer. We absolutely loved this guy’s aplomb as he candidly told CNN how he did not give up on Zimbabwe after bumping into the hard wall of morally uptight Warriors administrators in 1997, but returned 10 years later to find more malleable players and officials.

“We were like two hands prepared to clap.” Perumal explained how in 2007 no coercion was needed as everyone fell into the plan like heavy and ripe avocados plummeting from the tree. Some regulars aver that the difference between the reception is not that the first group was made of sterner stuff, but rather that the second group was found in a time when supermarket shelves were empty and not even Saint Peter himself could have resisted Raj’s carrots.

And if truth be told, the only reason why all regulars at the usual place are bitter about Asiagate is because we were not invited to the party. For just a fraction of what the lucky ones — who were in the right place at the right time — got, we would have done anything that Raj told us to do, anything being the operative word there. And anyone who says anything different is a big fat liar because the rest of us did worse for much less, back in the days when meat was a hoarded luxury to be secretly savoured in the absence of all visitors, even the wife’s kith and kin.

Thanks John
Thank you for deciding not to come to Zimbabwe after all, Mr John Legend. I hope you understand that we have absolutely nothing against you and all things being equal we would also be lamenting your decision, albeit on an academic level. For we had not bought the sold out tickets yet.

First of all we are glad that a few speculators, who had hoarded the tickets with an idea of making a killing nearer the date of the show as they resold tickets to last minute desperadoes, are now facing a big loss from having all their money tied up till October with no single cent of profit in sight. Serves them right.

Secondly, everyone that we come across is always whining about the liquidity crunch. So who are these people who were prepared to fork out up to $150 for a show that was months away?

They obviously do not have any money worries bothering their dreams yet we can never understand why do they not stand up and dismiss this liquidity crunch nonsense whenever it is uttered.

And with the refunds coming so late in the year, we hope that this lot will be diverting the money to Christmas shopping to forestall yet another moan fest about the Grinch that stole Christmas.

Thirdly, we are also glad that our precious foreign currency reserves which are needed for other things like medicine and food are not being wasted on fripperies like a foreign music show.

The noise churned out by the local Dancehall artists, which has much rhyme and little reason is good enough for us as it comes cheap. With the cancelled show all animals can be equal with none more equal than the other as we all have to endure the same old same old.

No assets, no party
We really thought that this was a party that tried to claim that it was made out of the pain of the worker, not just because their founding and permanent leader was a labour leader who was hand picked by white Machiavellis to be their black face.

So now we drink and ponder on how this same group that claims that as soon as we install it in power, it will solve all our economic, domestic, relationship, conjugal, social and religious problems overnight could have failed to have a plan for its own workers. We know that in their inebriated state of hubris engendered by being invited to the ruling party, they never believed that they would return to the wilderness where no sombre suited chauffeurs, guards and aides discreetly hover to anticipate every need. We mean this state of ordinariness that mere mortals like us endure from birth to death.

We are forced to ask the same question that we always must repeat; if this gentleman cannot manage his backyard, what makes him think he can run the country in a way that will put more lubrication down our throats while the spouses and offspring recline in the lap of luxury, not worrying about utilities, fees, food and ice cream? Especially now that he has no party fees to speak of.

Speaking of fees, we hope that all those who have been taking their offspring for face painting at the show will not usher in the following week by inflicting their usual dirges about how school fees are unaffordable.

The big ones that got away
We will end with the matter that is really causing the bile to rise in our throats.

Even as we celebrated earlier when those three Air Zim bosses got to spend a few days in the slammer, we always knew that it was unlikely that we would actually see the day when the door would be locked and the key safely kept for a few months at least.

Therefore we are not surprised at how the steam has run out in the case and the big fish have been removed from remand. We do not expect to hear anything more about this case, even if a tsunami rises out of the Zambezi.

We always knew that the dream was too great to ever come to fruition and we have to live with the reality that all the big fish of the Salarygate scandal got away, just like Dudu Manhenga from her culpable homicide case.

Till next week, bottoms up!