Chat with Sis Noe: Is it true that children who are molested grow up to be promiscuous?

Hi Sis Noe
EVERY time after I have sex I have a feeling that I must go to the toilet. Is this normal? — Worried.

Reply
There are many different types of sexual activities that can lead a person to feel like he or she needs to take a bathroom break. Some types of sex may actually make a person feel like she or he had an accident in the bed. Others can actually increase that “go-to-the-toilet” feeling. It mostly happens when you get a G-spot orgasm. This highly intense form of orgasm happens when a particular area of the vagina is sufficiently stimulated. Emptying your bladder before sex usually helps reassure yourself that you are not urinating. Other explanations for the urge to urinate could be pressure on the bladder externally from certain sexual positions or vaginal penetration at certain angles, which could also put pressure on the bladder. If you are trying to avoid this full-bladder feeling, completely emptying it right before sex could help reassure you that an accident won’t happen while you are getting it on. Of course, if it does, know that urine is sterile.

Hi Sis Noe
I HAD unprotected sex with my girlfriend but I did not ejaculate inside her. But she has missed her period and we are scared that she might be pregnant. Is it possible for her to be pregnant? — Worried.

Reply
You and your girlfriend are obviously, and understandably, anguished about the “what if I’m pregnant?” possibility.

Your questions represent the types of concerns that typically rush through people’s minds when they encounter the chance of an unexpected pregnancy. While it’s not really possible to know the “odds” of whether your girlfriend is pregnant, knowing your options and discussing a plan of action with your girlfriend might help calm both of your nerves. To gain a little certainty in an unexpected situation, the first step of your plan might be to take a pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests are available over-the-counter from pharmacies, and from health care providers; in either case, there is no need for yours or her family to find out that she has taken a test.

If your girlfriend is not pregnant, how will you feel — relieved or wary of another pregnancy scare? Next time you plan to have sex, you could use birth control, if you don’t already, so that you can feel more certain that you will avoid pregnancy. To help you decide what method is right for you and your girlfriend, you may want to talk with a health care provider about your contraceptive options and choices.

Hi Sis Noe
I had genital warts a year ago but I got treated and I no longer have it. I was wondering whether I should tell my future sexual partner or partners that I had it? I told my ex about it and we had sex using a condom but our relationship did not last. — Worried.

Reply
You have posed an interesting and complicated question. While you are right that warts infection may be treated or clear on its own, it’s hard to know for sure if it’s truly gone. Using a condom during sex can definitely reduce the risk of passing warts to your partner(s), but it’s not guaranteed. For this reason, honesty is always important in any type of sexual relationship. Honest communication is crucial to relationships, even casual ones, and talking about warts could reduce the stigma surrounding this extremely common sexually transmitted infection (STI).

Along the same lines, opening up a discussion about your sexual health history may prompt your partner to do the same. Talking with your partner(s) could also be a learning opportunity — for example, maybe he doesn’t know about the vaccines Gardasil and Cervarix which can protect both men and women against several HPV strains. Also, having an open conversation might end up being a stress reliever for your partner(s) — nearly all sexually active adults have had at least one type of HPV at some point in their lives.

Hi Sis Noe
Is it true that children who are molested grow up to be promiscuous? I was molested as a child and now I sleep around and my counsellor said it’s because I was molested when I was a child. — Curious.

Reply
It’s hard to pin down the exact odds of this happening. Overall, survivors of sexual abuse may be more likely than non-survivors to use addiction as a coping mechanism, which may include an addiction to sex. That is not to say, though, that all survivors become promiscuous. Actually, many survivors do just the opposite — they may avoid most, if not all, sexual activity. Your question brings up a larger issue. According to experts, child and adult survivors of sexual abuse develop ways to cope with what happened to them. In the short-term, these ways of coping often help survivors deal with intolerable circumstances, thoughts, and feelings. For instance, many survivors who don’t get professional help right away find ways to numb their pain and confusion. Some turn to drugs and alcohol.

Others turn to excessive sexual activity. Some retreat into tumultuous relationships or avoid connecting with other people altogether. While these diversions may provide some immediate relief, they often lead to more suffering. At the worst, survivors dip into addictions, sexual confusion, and unstable and erratic relationships. Some survivors enter into a cycle of victimisation, repeatedly finding themselves in situations where they are sexually abused as adults. This creates shame, guilt, and even more confusion for the survivor. At some point, survivors often realise their ways of coping are no longer working or are actually causing more problems for them.

There are lots of resources available for those who are ready and willing to explore their ways of coping. And, it often helps survivors to talk with mental health professionals about their experiences and ways of coping. It’s important for you not to be stereotyped or to be expected to have certain characteristics. Each survivor has unique experiences, feelings, thoughts, and ways of coping. With this understanding, it’s possible for you to find peaceful resolve to your problem.

In fact, many survivors lead healthy, happy, and meaningful lives. I am sure your counsellor will help you to overcome this problem.

Hi Sis Noe
I am 35 years old and I am in a loveless marriage. There is no sex. My wife says she is happy but I am not. She doesn’t realise that we are falling apart. We don’t even hug anymore. I am now having an affair with a married woman who is also not happy in her marriage. We both know that there’s a lot of stakes to leaving our partners but I don’t want to remain in such an unhappy marriage. So should I stay in this marriage, forget about my new love, hurt for a while and live with the regret forever that I missed what could be the best opportunity of my life? Or do I keep working on it, although I am tired? I don’t want to grow old in a loveless marriage, that is more like a friendship than a marriage. — Worried.

Reply
I wonder if you are using this correspondence to justify a decision that you have already made. It sounds as if your marriage has fallen into the complacency trap. I am intrigued by your reference to “more like a friendship than a marriage”. Most marriages lose a little of the heat from the relationship kitchen but that is often the case as lovers become good friends. Strong and good marriages are built on true friendships which usually include a good sexual relationship. They take work, though, by both marriage partners to be successful. I am saddened that (as you say) your wife cannot understand the need to offer you the little hugs and touches that you crave.

Was this always the case, or are you only now noticing it because of your new friend? Did it trouble you before? You say she does not realise that you are missing something from your relationship. Do you just express your needs by trying to talk or do you offer her hugs and the little touches like making the tea and so on? This is a decision that only you (and your friend) can make. As you rightly suggest, it is a decision that affects the lives of your current partners, your children and your friends and families. It is not an easy one. I will be thinking of you and pray that you two will ultimately make the right decision.