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Lifaqane Nare, Sunday News Correspondent
Wednesday, 8 March was International Women’s Day again. A day when women’s issues come under the spotlight.
Unfortunately, more often than not, the attention does not last as the majority of people feel they have done their bit in that one day and get on with their business for the rest of that year, casually disregarding the challenges that confront women in their daily lives.
It would be unfair to ignore the strides that have been made to improve the lives of women and their agency — finding voices for themselves and getting opportunities to be treated as equals in the workplace and in their communities. But is it enough?
No!
A day after the International Women’s Day commemorations, I came across a quote from a woman who lost her husband and she said she missed him because he was the sole breadwinner. And that to me, summed up the whole tragedy of most women’s economic situation.
This is a woman who has lost her partner and in all this, the bottom line is her economic situation. She does not miss him because she has lost her partner, her lover, her companion, father of her children but the most important part is that she has lost her family’s provider. Had she been in a position to provide for her family herself, had she been given an opportunity growing up to see herself as her own family’s breadwinner and been equipped to do such; would the role of her husband as breadwinner be the most paramount to her and the biggest gap in her life without him?
These are questions that our communities hardly ever raise. We hear the jokes about how some women at their husbands’ funerals weep for themselves, their changed economic status and not for the dearly departed. Whose fault is that?
One of my favourite quotes is,
Here’s to strong women.
May we know them.
May we be them.
May we raise them.
This speaks to the raising of girls in different ways. Strong women do not just happen — we as a community raise them. It takes a girl to know a strong woman — recognise what makes a strong woman to desiring to become one.
Only when one has done this, can she raise another strong woman. We raise our daughters to desire to be looked after and provided for by men and then despise them for it. We raise our daughters to feel validated by being with a man and then crucify them for it. We hold them responsible for their actions and also for what the people in their lives do or fail to do.
If her children are naughty, she is a bad mother failing to instil in her children a sense of discipline. If her husband strays, of course, it is her fault — she either does not cook well enough, does not satisfy him, has let herself go or complains too much.
Society never runs out of reasons why it is the woman’s fault. If the woman is on the other end of the equation, the one that the straying husband has run to, of course, it is her fault —she seduced the poor guy, blinded him from all reason, snatched him from the arms of his loving saintly wife.
If she gets pregnant out of wedlock and the guy disappears on her: she should have known better. She should have waited for the sanctity of the marital bed. If she even lets the idea of abortion cross her mind: horror of horrors! She should be taken outside the city limits and stoned.
If she is walking her own path and is successful . . . well, she cannot be. She is only fooling herself. Women can never be satisfied without a man and children. She intimidates men. She thinks she is special. She will die a lonely embittered old woman.
Women can never win. Over and above all this, today’s young woman also has to grapple with the new threat to her confidence — body shaming. With social media, everyone feels they have the right to comment on women’s bodies — too fat, too thin, not light enough, abusing skin lighteners. It is open season on women — photoshopped pictures of women with distended backsides or hips are a source of jokes on most WhatsApp groups. A tropical storm named Dineo is enough to bring out all the misogynists. Who can resist the temptation to equate the fury and destruction of the cyclone to that of women? All so casual. All so seemingly innocent. But all betraying an underlying truth of how we regard women at individual and community levels.
The other fairly new phenomenon is the use of women as attacking dogs. Someone sees something that is blatantly unfair to women or an outright abuse of women’s rights and instead of condemning it, the question raised is; Where are the feminists to deal with this? Why are they quiet? Feminists have been cast into the role of attacking dogs on demand because society wants to abdicate its role and responsibilities towards women and girls.
As the media, we have not done a good job either. Girls as young as 13 are impregnated in “sexual romps”, 13 year olds are in sexual trysts (whatever those are) with their teachers, 14 year olds “shock” their communities by having “sexual relationships” with three men in their 40s. What is wrong with this picture?
Why isn’t this community shocked by three grown men taking turns to rape a minor? Why is a 14 year old girl expected to be the keeper of morals for men in their 40s? Why is a child expected to bear responsibility for the actions of grown up men? Because she is a girl/woman and it is always her fault.
Most of us, both men and women, come to this conclusion sub consciously, without even thinking about it. Because we have failed to know strong women, to be strong women and to raise strong women.The theme for this year’s commemorations has been: Be bold for Change. It takes a bold woman, man, family, and community to raise a strong woman.
While some of us stick to our lanes, heads down, conforming to societal norms and expectations, it is the bold ones who go out there, being disrespectful, highly disruptive, irreverent, beating their own path and fighting in their own ways to bring about change for all of us. On this and everyday, may we be true to ourselves. May we be bold for change. And once again:
Here’s to strong women.
May we know them.
May we be them.
May we raise them.
Online Reporter