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Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
So you have been waiting to meet that beautiful queen of your heart or knight in shining armour and you feel the years are ticking unabated.
At family gatherings, parents or family members want to know what’s up with you — when you are bringing the news of a partner.
You wonder why you appear to be landing the same type of prospects! The time wasters, players whose game — no matter how lame — still gets you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Even if you are saying there aren’t any prospects that seem remotely suitable.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself, quit being anxious because of comments of loved ones, who want to see you happy in love no doubt, but can be pushy.
It is tempting to act hastily — I have seen situations where one almost “hires” a “plus one” with whom to attend family events, just to silence critiques and all the questions.
Some put up with poor treatment from suitors or potential partners, just to be with someone. Some would say desperate situations call for desperate measures, right?
Umm . . . not so much, in my view. Do not let so-called “time” and people’s expectations drive you to desperation. If you can relate to these scenarios and are actively on the relationship market, you are the one I hope to inspire this week.
With so much information at the click of a button nowadays, of course one could almost think it’s easy to just navigate the complex landscape of relationships, but alas, you still have to discern between genuine connections and those that lead astray or bring heartache.
The Bible warns us, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (Proverbs 4:23). This week I was inspired to look into how to identify time wasters, bread-crumbing, and insincere intentions, and provide guidance on finding meaningful relationships.
Time wasters who ghost you and bread-crumbers share a common trait — they have no long-term plans for you. They may shower you with attention for some time or in one instance, only to pull back when it suits them, leaving you uncertain, invested and second guessing yourself. Questions may come to mind such as: did she say we are in a relationship or not, are we just “vibing” a little or is there deeper interest in me? Was it a one-time date or does the attention mean they want us to get to know each better? If they are into me as much as I enjoyed their company, what’s with the silence, why do they “ignore” messages? Do I keep calling or not? If you’ve faced or are facing such dilemma you might know what I’m talking about.
There are some obvious tell-tale signs you could be cautious of, red flags such as those who:
Behave selfishly, for instance, they focus on their own needs, disregarding yours or your feelings
Play the classic disappearing act, where they vanish without explanation, only to resurface when it’s convenient for them
Keep dodging face to face discussing; they make excuses (sometime ridiculous) for not committing or meeting in person though making you think it will happen soon, or they might respond “any day now”
Repeatedly guilt trip you, using manipulation or guilt to control the relationship and making you feel they are ghosting you because you did something wrong
Don’t entertain their bread-crumbing! You give them fuel when you keep trying to find out why they are quiet, or why they are not responding. As infuriating or frustrating as bread-crumbing and ghosting might be for the one on the receiving end, consider protecting your own mental health. Some ideas to counter bread-crumbing are:
Prioritising self-care and self-worth
Not over-investing emotionally, chimbosiyawo! Try it. Let go. Enjoy life elsewhere, and not be fixated with the individual no matter how tempted you are to keep reaching out to them for romantic connection. Be busy with what matters most in your life or find a new hobby if you must.
Setting clear boundaries and expectations
Seeking clarity and direct communication — it’s not a bad thing as long as you quit repeated quizzing, have you ever received a message texted in capital letters with exclamation marks or a dozen question marks? It screams at the other person and if it’s a bread-crumber, you give them more impetus to withdraw. Also, it tells them they have succeeded in getting to you. In other words vanokubhowa ukabvuma nekuratidza kubhowekana.
If you are that person who enjoys bread-crumbing for whatever reason, know this, that bread-crumbing is insensitive. Some may do it sub-consciously due to indecision on whether to pursue a relationship or now, whether to commit or not amongst a host of reasons. However, it doesn’t negate the fact that it comes across as a rather selfish act, leaving emotional scars and wasting precious time if someone is genuinely looking for a meaningful connection. It’s important to consider the impact of our actions on others. Put yourself in someone’s shoes and imagine the hurt caused by leading them on without genuine intentions.
Finding real connections involves seeking meaningful relationships, respecting oneself and others in the process.
You could consider the following:
Focusing on shared values and interests
Building trust through open communication
Prioritising emotional intelligence and empathy
Nurturing a sense of community and belonging
In marriage, there’s unfortunate but increasing instances of some partners discovering too late that the partner they married is not who they thought they were, by which time it’s too late to jump ship. If this is you, don’t panic. Don’t just flip the script and be a whole different person yourself, shutting out your partner and behaving unavailable or as if you are single again. The problems will not solve themselves. Instead:
Communicate openly and honestly about what is not working
Seek counselling or guidance if overwhelmed
Focus on personal growth and self-awareness which can enhance your understanding of what is happening in your union and the direction you want to go
Cultivate empathy and understanding before you just shut them out and decide to do your own thing.
So whether married or single, how you treat your partner, or prospect in the case of singles speaks volumes about your understanding of love. Remember, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud” (1 Corinthians 13:4).
Let’s keep the conversation going: Share your thoughts and experiences on WhatsApp (+263719102572) or email ([email protected]).
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