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Nhlalwenhle Ncube
DECEMBER is one boring holiday for most makotis. The thought of visiting the in-laws frustrates them so much as it means working all day to prove their makotiness. As if that’s not enough, the visit always results in lots of drama.
I realised that while everyone is happy about December family gatherings, the daughter-in-laws wish they could just disappear during that time as spending time with in-laws make them feel like they are walking on eggshells.
But this is the 21st Century and things should be different. Getting married does not mean you have become your husband’s family workhorse.
Get me right, you must cook and give them that special treatment, but they must help as you are also on holiday.
The bad treatment makotis get when families are gathered, takes away their happiness and love. Instead of making excuses not to join your in-laws during the holiday, find a way of dealing with them and enjoy as well.
The problem with most makotis is that they pretend they can manage all the chores on their own and don’t cry out for assistance.
For other family members to help, speak up so you also get to relax and enjoy. You are also on holiday and definitely need to rest.
To make life easy for yourself, be an early bird and do morning chores. If you wake up late, they will leave you to do everything the whole day to square up for the little they would have done in the morning.
Remember you are not at your own place where you can wake up any time.
Another thing which causes most problems during family gatherings is family politics which would have happened during the year.
They leave a tense atmosphere, but as a makoti learn to be humble and ignore minor issues. Even if you get the impression that you are not their favourite makoti or they haven’t accepted you in the family, play your part and do what you can.
Always bear in mind that every marriage is a cross-cultural experience regardless of whether people are from different or the same cultures.
You come from different families and this family’s culture is brand new to you. The holidays can bring mixed feelings and expectations about this new family culture, especially when it comes to in-laws.
During this time, you need your husband’s support, so never make the mistake of concentrating on chores and ignoring him.
Make sure he comes first and as you interact during that busy schedule, you find comfort from him and realise what love can do. Surviving the “holiday hustle” requires open communication between you and your partner. Use a softened start-up when sharing the things you are anxious about to have more constructive conversations that will bring you closer.
Look for sliding door moments where you can really share what you are thinking and feeling with your partner. These seemingly small moments are actually huge opportunities that can make or break your connection throughout this stressful season.
No one from the family must be closer to you more than your husband. So he is the person to open up your heart to and let him know the non-negotiable boundaries you have or things you cannot do at family gatherings. Make him your lawyer and be on the same page where you are ready to support each other.
Remember, this is your partner’s family and they understand him better. If you tackle some issues on your own you may be misquoted. So communicating with him in everything throughout this process makes life easy and you will both win.
Truth be told, it doesn’t take a psychologist to notice your in-laws are different from your own parents. Recognise that you are engaging with people who have their own feelings, thoughts, and behaviours completely separate from you. Let your husband lead you and adjust to their culture.
Acknowledge that your partner’s family traditions are often just that and it’s generational traditions that began years before you. Join them with a mind of curiosity and you will learn a lot. No to attitude!
At the same time while trying to be at your best, remember nobody is perfect, so don’t pressure yourself to be and don’t expect to receive that from your in-laws. Knowing this can help you not take things so personally. The other thing which can spoil your holiday is trying to make everyone happy. People-pleasing tactics through the holidays will lead to you feeling drained, anxious, and resentful. It is understandable to want to walk into holiday get-togethers on your best behaviour, but you don’t need to filter your actions to the point of putting everyone else’s needs and wants before your own. When it comes to in-laws, it is vital that you focus on being yourself. Allowing your partner’s family to get to know you the way your partner does is the first part to developing authentic relationships with them.
So, don’t say “yes” when you mean no.
If your partner comes from a high-conflict family, have an exit plan. You get an A for your effort in trying to be there for your partner’s family on special occasions, but you also do not have to stick around to engage in unhealthy, abusive, or extreme situations where you don’t feel comfortable.
Do not get involved in their wars, blood is thicker than water. Remove yourselves from any potentially scarring situations before they get out of hand.
Remember to always dress in a decent manner around your in-laws and be yourself. Also put some effort to engage with this new family so as not to come off as disinterested or not making an effort to engage. Step out of your comfort zone and put an effort to get to be part of the family, not just a makoti.
Enjoy your holiday and be the best makoti, avoid being a drama queen.
Online Reporter