Online Reporter
Coach Molly Chuma
Grooming
When we talk about teaching children etiquette, we often focus on please, thank you and sorry. These are important, but etiquette is much bigger than polite words. It is about consideration, self-control, respect and awareness of how our behaviour affects other people.
Children learn how to treat people largely by watching the adults around them. Parents therefore have a powerful role in shaping manners, confidence and emotional intelligence. The lessons taught at home can influence how children behave at school, with friends, in public and eventually in professional environments.
The first lesson is modelling. You cannot consistently demand respectful behaviour from a child while speaking disrespectfully to others yourself. Children observe how parents greet people, speak to service providers, handle disagreements, respond to mistakes and treat relatives. If you want your child to say thank you, let them hear you saying it. If you want them to apologise, show them that adults can admit when they are wrong. A parent who says, “I was wrong, and I am sorry,” teaches a valuable lesson about accountability.
Teach children greetings early. A child should learn to acknowledge people appropriately at home, school, church and in the community. Teach them to greet adults respectfully and respond when someone greets them. At the same time, etiquette should not become a tool for forcing children into uncomfortable physical contact.
A child can show respect without being forced to hug or kiss someone. Respect and personal boundaries can exist together. Children should understand that politeness does not mean surrendering their right to feel safe and comfortable.
Table manners are another important lesson. Children should learn to sit appropriately, wait when necessary, chew with their mouths closed, use utensils properly and avoid making others uncomfortable during meals. More importantly, mealtimes can teach consideration. Encourage children to share, ask politely for something to be passed and thank the person who prepared the meal. Family meals provide an excellent opportunity to practise these behaviours naturally, rather than turning every meal into a formal lesson.
Parents also need to teach children how to behave when visiting other people’s homes. Explain expectations before you arrive. Teach children not to open cupboards, enter private rooms, touch belongings without permission or demand entertainment.
They should understand that another person’s home has its own rules and boundaries. If a child behaves poorly, correct them calmly rather than allowing embarrassment to become the lesson. The aim is to help the child understand what went wrong and how to behave differently next time.
Public behaviour is another area where parental example matters. Children will sometimes become tired, frustrated or overwhelmed, and parents should not expect perfect behaviour at every moment. The goal is to teach children how to manage emotions gradually.
A tantrum does not make a child bad, but it provides an opportunity for guidance. Parents can acknowledge the emotion while maintaining reasonable boundaries: “I understand that you are upset, but we cannot shout at people.” This approach teaches both emotional awareness and responsibility.
Correction should be firm without becoming humiliating. Publicly insulting, mocking or repeatedly shouting at a child may attract attention, but it does not necessarily teach good manners. Whenever possible, correct privately and explain what the child did, why it was inappropriate and what they can do differently next time. Discipline should teach, not simply punish. Children need to know that making a mistake does not make them a bad person. They are expected to take responsibility, make amends and learn from the experience.
Digital etiquette must also be taught at home. Parents should discuss what children post, share, comment on and forward online. Teach them not to expose another person’s private information, share embarrassing content or photograph someone without permission.
Children should understand that online behaviour can affect real people and may have lasting consequences. Parents should examine their own online behaviour too. Posting embarrassing pictures or stories about children without considering their future feelings can teach a lesson very different from the one intended. Digital manners begin with the same principles as everyday manners: respect, consent and consideration.
Children should also learn to respect time and commitments. If a parent repeatedly arrives late, cancels plans without explanation or breaks promises casually, children notice. Teach punctuality by preparing early and communicating when plans change. Encourage children to understand that other people’s time matters. This principle becomes valuable later in school, friendships, employment and professional relationships. Keeping a promise, arriving when expected and communicating honestly when circumstances change are all forms of respect.
Gratitude is another essential lesson. Children can become accustomed to receiving food, clothing, gifts, opportunities and support without recognising the effort behind them. Encourage children to say thank you and notice acts of kindness. Gratitude should go beyond words. Children can help at home, care for shared spaces and contribute appropriately to family life. Even small responsibilities teach children that families and communities function through cooperation, generosity and mutual consideration.
Perhaps the most important lesson is that etiquette is not about raising children who are afraid of making mistakes. It is about raising children who understand that their behaviour affects other people. Teach them to apologise, repair mistakes, listen when corrected and try again. Give them opportunities to practise manners in real situations instead of expecting them to learn everything through lectures. Let them greet guests, help set the table, thank someone who assists them and participate in age-appropriate responsibilities. Practice makes etiquette natural.
Before asking what children we are raising, we should ask what kind of example they are watching. Children may forget individual instructions, but they absorb patterns they see repeatedly.
Let them see you greet others, show gratitude, respect boundaries, manage disagreements and treat people respectfully. Let them see that kindness and good manners do not disappear when you are stressed, inconvenienced or dealing with someone who cannot offer you anything in return. Manners begin at home, but their impact reaches far beyond it. When parents model etiquette consistently, children carry those lessons into the world and learn that good behaviour is ultimately about respect for themselves and for others.
Coach Molly Chuma is an author, grooming and etiquette coach, confidence mentor and leadership development trainer. She is the founder of The Luminary Institute of Leadership and Etiquette and a weekly Herald columnist. Through her work, she equips individuals, schools and organisations with practical skills in etiquette, professionalism, personal branding and confident communication. Coach Molly is passionate about making etiquette accessible, practical and relevant to everyday life. For training, coaching and speaking engagements, contact +263 771 496 175.
