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Dear Tete Joyie:
My ex-partner wants me back.
He is also the father of my two children (aged four and eight), and it is killing me to say no even though I know it is for the best.
After 14 years of lies, cheating and generally making me feel like nothing, I kicked him out last August and told him to sort himself out and grow up or leave us alone.
Even though I was the one who asked him to move out in the first place, I was shocked and pretty devastated, but I picked myself up and got back on my feet, and I am now trying to date again.
But, guess what? He suddenly wants me back.
I suppose the single life was not all it was cracked up to be.
I do believe he has made some positive changes in the time he has been away.
But he has made changes before, only to come back and fall into his old ways again.
I have only contacted him to talk about the kids, but he constantly calls to ask me out and it is draining.
I have told him that I have forgiven him, but that he did broke my heart, so there is no way I want him back.
However, it is hard because I need to have contact with him for the children.
How do I get him to leave me alone, so we can both move on properly?
Tete Joyie says:
I think it’s a case of, ‘I’m not sure if I want you, but I don’t want anyone else to have you either’.
He seemed pretty fine until you looked like you were moving on and getting back in the dating pool.
It’s not his decision any more.
I understand how hard it is because he is the father of your kids.
I was left with two boys when my first marriage broke up.
However, it seems to me that you are doing great and coping well — so carry on and things will only get better from this point.
It will be a real shame if you took him back just because things aren’t working out as well for him as he had hoped and he has realised the grass isn’t greener.
The reality is, he is living back home with his mum while you are happier and dating again.
If you take him back and let him carry on battering your self-esteem, you might not have the confidence to get to this point again.
Don’t give him the opportunity to do that to you. Yes, it is hard as a single parent.
I have been there, but you can do it.
And if it’s a case of asking a friend or family member to deliver and pick up your kids, then do that until he realises he’s not going to win you over.
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I regret having phone sex with ex-lover
Dear Tete Joyie:
I cheated on my boyfriend.
Well, it’s a bit complicated as we are not really officially in a relationship, but we were getting to that point before I mucked it all up.
An ex of mine contacted me and I started chatting to him, which eventually led to phone sex.
The next morning I hated myself for it and I don’t know why I agreed to do it.
However, I did and I regret it so much.
I ended up telling my boyfriend about it because the guilt was getting to me and he said he needs time to work things out.
He feels I betrayed him, even though we weren’t officially dating.
I totally understand everything he’s saying to me and I’m sure I’d feel the same if the shoe were on the other foot.
But I am afraid if he takes this time out he’s going to forget about me or at least I will seem far less important to him.
I don’t know what to do. I really like this guy and can definitely see a future with him.
He is a great person and before all this happened he was planning to come and stay with me, but I’m sure I’ve screwed it all up.
Is there any way I can change his mind about me?
Tete Joyie says:
Well, it sounds as if you have screwed it up, but you were right at the beginning of a relationship.
I think when you first meet someone, you don’t know if it’s going to work out, so it can be tempting to kind of keep your options open.
But from his point of view, it’s not a great start and I can understand why it might put him off taking things any further with you, even if you didn’t cheat on him in the traditional sense.
You have learnt a massive lesson here that you can’t mess with people’s emotions.
And you have allowed yourself to be manipulated, too.
Your ex might have encouraged the phone sex, knowing you were interested in someone else.
On the plus side, you were honest about it, you could easily not have told your boyfriend and it made you realise how much you like him because you felt so guilty afterwards.
All you can do is tell him that, apologise and reassure him that if he’s willing to give things another go, nothing like that will ever happen again.
Afraid successful boyfriend will leave me
Dear Tete Joyie:
I recently read an article about a girlfriend who was jealous of her boyfriend’s success after he landed his dream job.
I’m in a similar situation.
I wouldn’t say I’m bitter towards him in fact, I’m really proud that I have a partner who is doing so well.
But I feel a sense of tension and fear.
What if he leaves me because I’m technically unemployed and he’s successful?
I know it may sound crazy to some but to me it feels real and I need a way of coping with it.
I get so anxious every time he mentions anything job related. I feel awful that I’m not coming across as more supportive.
What can I do to change this before it becomes toxic between us?
Tete Joyie says:
Most couples go through a period in their relationship where one is more successful or earning more than the other.
Yes, it can dent your pride and feelings of self-worth but it shouldn’t.
You’re not unemployable, you’re just not employed at the moment.
If you love each other and it’s a genuine partnership, then your boyfriend will take the strain while you look for something.
If you were sitting in front of the telly and contributing nothing to the relationship, then he’d have a right to wonder what you were playing at, but you’re not.
You might feel better if you become more proactive about finding a job you like, a course or volunteer work.
Doing something towards what you want to do will help build your confidence.
And don’t assume that when your boyfriend is talking about his job he’s boasting or having a dig at you.
I think that assumption is more to do with how you’re feeling about yourself than what he thinks.
He’s probably just excited and wants to share his good fortune with you.
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