adminDr Rebecca Chisamba
I am a young lady who has been in a confusing on and off relationship with one guy. We went to school together and we started dating when I was in Form Two back in 2012. Everything was okay until I introduced him to my friends, that was the end of that episode of our relationship. He resurfaced in 2017 and we dated for a while before he just disappeared again. He recently resurfaced and everything was going great until he dumped me. I am seeing someone on the side but he is very abusive. I called him to ask him if he was serious this time around or if we should call it quits forever. He said he was sorry and that he needs me in his life. Is this even worth my time anymore? Please advise.
Response
The true reason for dating is to get to know your would-be spouse better. It is very important to keep your relationship flowing if you can. Time is money and it should never be wasted. You started dating in 2012 and it has been on and off ever since. In my view you were too young, this whole thing distracted you from your school work and other meaningful things. It seems this guy does not love you; he only wants you when it suits him. You have been ill-treated and put off but you still cling on. Yes, you say you love him but it takes two to tango. You cannot impose love on him, unfortunately. Where is your pride? Why do you not leave him and move on? From the behaviour he has shown, I do not think confronting him will help. He is aware of what he is doing because he knows even if he pushes you away, you will still come back to him. You also have a side piece, which means you are double crossing these guys. Please be decisive. Remember love is a game of emotions so do not break other people’s hearts. Take it easy one step at a time; life in the fast lane is very short lived. Next time you fall in true love, keep it to yourselves until you know what you want. Do not rush to do introductions. You say the other guy is abusive, I wonder what you are still doing with him. Finally I say please go back to the drawing board and start afresh. I wish you all the best.
Is she wife material?
I am a young man who lives in a small town. I am in a relationship but I do not see much of a future with the partner I am dating. I am 25 and she is 21. She is an extremely moody individual. Ma mood swings acho anongouya nekuenda zvisinganzwisisike. I am getting fed up because I do not like to be regularly upset for no reason. She even has access to my phone so I have no idea why she does not trust me. What I wanted to really ask you amai is do you think there is a future for me with this woman? Is she wife material or must I continue searching for something more fulfilling?
Response
I still find some letters very childish and unfit to come from majors. This is one of those letters. I always say love is to be taken very seriously because it can blossom into marriage. Fighting during courtship is one of the most common signs of a short lived future together. You did not dwell much on the kinds and severity of mood swings. When you write to me explain yourself fully. I cannot work on assumptions. Being moody is a very poor way of communicating because you keep the other partner guessing. Please tell me what would have transpired when she becomes moody. If you think something can be salvaged from this you can engage a professional counsellor so that you go for premarital counselling. Many people in your kind of relationship continue to abuse phones. If each person kept to their phone, we would have less problems. Love is about respect, trust and true commitment. If one of these attributes is lacking then there is no point in pursuing the union. Lastly, try and communicate more and see if it helps. I would be happy to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.
Family thinks my house is a hotel
When my elder sisters paid us visits, I did not know that they were also checking the number of ‘idle’ rooms we had in our house. Of late, any child of theirs who gets expelled from high school due to misbehaviour or fails university is sent to stay with us as if we are a reformatory institution. This is supposedly because our house has idle rooms.
They phone and say ‘please monitor them closely and do not allow them to drink or bring their boyfriends over’. Why must we attempt to control school drop-outs when the biological parents and teachers failed? This affects my own children as they now have to leave their bedrooms whenever we have visitors. The visitor’s bedrooms are occupied and there is a shortage of blankets. My kids no longer have study rooms. Mai Chisamba, how on earth does a family decide to just give their own children to another family who have their own kids to look after? I believe each family must look after their own children and not burden someone else, especially during times like these when everything is expensive. I now need to buy more food. The fact that we have two kids does not mean we are not capable of having more children of our own. Also the fact that our house has many rooms does not mean we need more people living in it. Unfortunately my sisters do not realise this. My husband is also unhappy with this situation, although, he pretends not to be annoyed by it out of respect for me. What can I do mai Chisamba? I do not want to hurt my elder sisters.
Response
If the truth be told, it is not fair to bring a child into the world and then fail to look after them. Parents are encouraged to be in their children’s lives at all costs. Good upbringing means putting them through school and protecting them from drugs and other harmful practices. Your sisters should not use your home as a dumping ground. If their children should come to your place, it should be after you both talk about it and agree on all other logistics. Instead of just pushing them to you they should seek help for these kids. I hear you when you talk about the harsh economic times the country and its people are going through. Your sisters take the blame for not helping out when the children are with you. But in my view, you are partly to blame too because you pretend that it is fine, you do not want to upset them. You and your husband should sit down with your sisters and tell them the truth. You cannot pretend forever. I can feel the anger from your letter. You are complaining about a number of things, from food to blankets and living space. For now, take it easy. Maybe your sisters think you enjoy helping by taking the children in. It is very noble to iron out your problems, you are family you need each other. Blood will always be thicker than water. I would be happy to hear from you again, keep well.
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