Online Reporter
Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
In keeping with paying homage to women as the curtain came down on the month of May that celebrated mothers, this week we touch on pitfalls women can be mindful of, that have kept some in devastating relationships.
Marriage can be regarded as signifying a long-term commitment to a partner, which can be seen as a powerful and enduring statement in society. But a desire for marriage that involves self denigration as has been seen in some abusive marriages and relationships, surely cannot be the answer.
Where there is toxicity in a relationship, there needs to be a way forward that ensures both parties do not end up harmed or causing harm such as some of the violence and atrocities reported almost daily in the news.
In her insightful words, renowned Judge Lynn Toler and former host of the TV Series “Divorce Court,” highlights a crucial oversight many women make in their pursuit of relationships: narrowing their lives down to finding a partner, getting married, and having children. This singular focus, she says, can lead to compromise, ultimately stripping women of their independence, power, and options.
“One of the biggest mistakes women make, is make their lives about: ‘get a guy, get a house, get married, and have kids’. Because once you make your life that narrow, you have to compromise and compromise and …until all of a sudden, you have no options. You have nowhere to go, you can’t move, you can’t shift . . . you can’t go to the side . . . you don’t have any independence and any power,” said the judge who spent decades in the presence of feuding and divorcing couples, sometimes offering counsel.
Judge Toler emphasises the importance of having a broader life filled with passions, interests, and opportunities beyond the relationship. This approach not only fosters personal growth but also provides leverage in the relationship, allowing women to maintain their autonomy and individuality.
“. . . you ought to have a bigger life, a life that involves passions, and interests and opportunities and things that excite you that are unrelated to whether you’ve got this guy or not,” she says.
What this reminds me of is that we need to have and to know our divine identify and purpose. And by living purposefully, she further explains this:
“It gives you leverage in a relationship because you are not defined solely by that relationship. It is a big part of you, it is a good part of you and you can survive without it”. Here she was giving counsel to a woman who had been in a tumultuous relationship and seemed stuck, not managing to find a solution out of a toxic life.
When women define their lives solely by their relationship, they risk losing themselves in the process. Dependency can creep in, making it challenging to recognise the signs of an unhealthy dynamic.
As Judge Toler points out, human nature often dictates that when one partner feels they have no other options, they may tolerate behaviour they should not, leading to an imbalance of power. This can result in a cycle of compromise, resentment, and even abuse.
“… people who believe they are with someone who has no other option end up doing whatever they want to do, and it’s not because they are bad people, but it’s human nature. She cant go nowhere, so I can do what I want, it’s not thought logically, but it ends up being that way. . .”
So, how can women avoid this scenario and cultivate a more fulfilling life?
Consider these steps
Pursue your passions unapologetically: Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment outside of your relationship. This could be a hobby, a side business, or volunteering.
Develop your interests: Explore new interests and hobbies, and invest time in personal growth. This will help you maintain your identity and autonomy.
Nurture friendships: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who encourage and empower you.
Prioritise self-care: Take care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This will help you build resilience and confidence.
Becoming that high-value partner
By focusing on personal growth and development, women can become high-value partners in their relationships. This means:
Being confident and self-assured: Believe in your worth and value, and do not compromise your values and needs. You will be more positioned to recognise and nip in the bud any gaslighting from the other party.
Maintaining independence: Ensure you are actively involved in some interests of your own, passions, and friendships.
Communicating effectively: Express your needs and expectations clearly and respectfully.
Being supportive and empathetic: Foster a healthy and supportive dynamic in your relationship.
What about those already married?
For women who are already married, it is never too late to start growing, upskilling, developing yourself. Some steps to consider:
Rekindle old passions: Rediscover hobbies and interests you put on hold during your relationship.
Explore new interests: Try new things and invest in personal growth.
Communicate with your partner: Discuss your needs and expectations with your partner and work together to establish a healthier dynamic relationship. Also prioritise self-care in all its facets.
As we wrap up this week, may Judge Lynn Toler’s words serve as a powerful reminder of the importance of personal growth in relationships.
By maintaining our passions, interests, and well-being, we can become high-value partners and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Whether you’re single, married, or somewhere in between, it is never too late to start investing in yourself and your personal growth. By doing so, you will not only become a more empowered and confident individual but also a more attractive and fulfilling partner.
I would love to hear your questions, views and experiences too. Don’t hesitate to reach out if in need of counsel or with your views.
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Email: lainanaledimakuzha@ gmail.com
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