Online Reporter
Dear Tete Joyie:
I am a 21-year-old lady who is in university, I have a friend of mine who is dating a man who has been spoiling her and have since rented her an apartment. The problem is that her boyfriend is proving to be a narcissist who is controlling her, and has been asking her to delete male contacts in her phone book. She recently told me that she has been asked to drop off university and get married. I fear for her, but I don’t know how to reprimand her without sounding jealous.
Tete Joyie Says:
How to talk to her without sounding jealous
1. Lead with empathy, not judgment
Start by affirming her feelings and experiences: “I know you care about him and he has done a lot for you. I just want to make sure you are okay.”
This opens the door without making her defensive.
2. Focus on her well-being, not his flaws
Instead of labelling him as narcissistic, ask reflective questions: “Do you feel like you are still able to make your own choices?” “How do you feel about leaving university—was that something you wanted?”
3. Share your concern, not your opinion
Frame your worry as love, not critique: “I am not trying to interfere, but I would be heartbroken if you gave up your dreams because someone else asked you to.”
4. Empower her, don’t rescue her
Remind her of her strength and autonomy: “You have worked so hard to get where you are. Whatever you decide, I hope it is truly what you want not just what someone else wants for you.”
5. Stay close, even if she pulls away
If she is defensive or distant, don’t push. Just let her know: “I am always here for you, no matter what.”
What you might watch for
If her boyfriend is isolating her, controlling her choices, or pressuring her to abandon her education, those are serious red flags. You don’t need to diagnose him but you can help her see that love should never come at the cost of her freedom or future.
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‘I have tried talking, she’s not listening’
Dear Tete Joyie:
Hope I find you well, I am having problems with my wife. She has become so disrespectful. I have tried to talk to her on so many times, but she is not changing.
She is, not just disrespectful to me, but her parents as well. I have talked about going for counselling, but she is refusing. How best can I make her change?
Tete Joyie Says:
Shift from “making her change” to “protecting your peace”
• You can’t control her behaviour, but you can control how you respond to it.
• Focus on what you need to feel respected, safe, and valued in the relationship.
2. Set clear boundaries not ultimatums
• Calmly express what behaviours are unacceptable and what the consequences will be if they continue.
• Example: “I want us to have a respectful relationship. If that is not possible, I will need to take space to protect my peace.”
3. Stop repeating the same conversation
• If talking has not worked, try writing a letter or message that calmly outlines your feelings and expectations.
• This gives her time to reflect without the pressure of a live argument.
4. Seek support for yourself even if she won’t
• Consider individual counselling or talking to a trusted mentor, elder, or spiritual advisor.
• You deserve a space to process your emotions and get guidance.
5. Watch for deeper patterns
• If her disrespect is constant and escalating, especially toward others too, it may point to deeper emotional or psychological issues.
• You can gently suggest that she explore those with a professional, but again she has to choose that path.
6. Protect your dignity
• If she continues to refuse help and shows no interest in change, you may need to consider whether staying in the relationship is healthy for you.
• This doesn’t mean giving up it means honouring yourself.
What you might say
Here is a gentle, but firm way to express your feelings:
“I have tried to talk to you many times because I care about us. But I feel disrespected, and it is affecting my peace.
“ I am asking you to consider counselling not because you are broken, but because I want us to grow. If that is not something you are willing to do, I will need to think seriously about what is best for me moving forward.”
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous
