adminSeeing tears glistening in her eyes as she looked in the mirror one morning, not understanding what she was feeling, as noone had physically harmed her, nor verbally abused her, nor said anything negative to or about her, Jewel (not her real name) wondered why it hurt so bad.
In fact her big bad tragedy was that someone she loved deeply was saying absolutely nothing. Yes. He was just silent. No calls, no messages, no emails… Yet she felt a pain, a deep aching in the heart, about what this person had not done, what they had not said. Does that even make sense, you might ask? I can totally understand why someone who’s never been through it would probably find it absurd.
Yet this was Jewels experience, she was hurting. Hers was not an isolated case. So without clarity on what happened, it can be hard to know what to do and how to manage that experience. The reasons for ghosting could be inexhaustible. I’m not talking about just a friend -although that’s also happening Here I’m talking about a seemingly steady love interest, fiance or a spouse who just decides on their own to “disappear”, nyamalala, kutsakatika in a sense, instead of facing whatever truth with their loved one and speaking it.
We are not talking about an abusive relationship or one plagued by violence. We’re talking about just a normal scenario where two people were once happy or seemed happy together, seemingly cruising in the same direction then one just vanishes from the relationship
People who enjoy ghosting others especially in relationships and enjoy watching them squirm may not realise the damage that ghosting has on someone who values you, loves you, heck, even just likes you. Some people just can’t handle it emotionally or mentally — it tends to take a toll on their joy
What is ghosting in a relationship then?
Spectrum Mental Health says: “Ghosting is when a person ceases all contact and communication with another person without any explanation, warning or apparent reason. They stop replying to messages and phone calls, cease contact on social media and avoid any attempts by the other person to reach out or reconnect.
Essentially, they vanish into thin air, like a ghost. While ghosting is commonly thought of in terms of dating relationships, it can also occur in other types of relationships, such as friendships or even family relationships”.
On explaining why people ghost, the blog says it is a way of avoiding a difficult or awkward conversation. “By ghosting, the person does not have to explain why they no longer want to have contact with or be in a relationship with the other person.
They don’t have to face the other person’s feelings about the ending of the relationship, acknowledge or listen to the other person’s point of view and don’t have to deal with an uncomfortable situation. In short, it’s an easy way out.”
And for those who think it’s fun, “Ghosting demonstrates a lack of respect for the other person’s feelings and a lack of empathy for how the ghosting may impact them. They assume that the other person will “get the hint” and can use this to justify their actions.
This could be driven by a lack of interest in the relationship, where they don’t really care about how the other person feels or about the loss of the relationship, or could be due to a lack of appropriate communication skills, as they don’t know how to explain or tell the other person how they are feeling. Either way, ghosting is a way of showing someone through action how they feel and what they want instead of communicating this verbally.”
The New York times describes it thus: “…when someone cuts off all communication without explanation — extends to all things, it seems. Most of us think about it in the context of digital departure: a friend not responding to a text, or worse, a lover, but it happens across all social circumstances and it’s tied to the way we view the world”.
In the interests of building healthier, stronger relationships and better mental health, it may be well worth the while to explore other approaches to a relationship where something is not working, as opposed to just ghosting.
Those doing it don’t seem to care nor realise the pain they cause someone else who cares about them and who loves them. No doubt everyone is entitled to handling the relationship in the way that best suits them. And many will defend their behaviour as being thoughtful of the other person by not telling them negative reasons for disappearing.
In my research, a common aspect that threaded through the reasons my respondents were giving, was that they didn’t want to upset the other person ‘out of the blue’ or hurt their feelings by telling the truth, that they had fallen out of love, lost interest or were moving on with someone else or to other more important things in their life. Just like that.
Mr Ndaba Mabhena a polymath, leadership & business coach, critical thinker and social commentator, explained it this way: “It’s a sign that things were not working communication was non existent.
There are a lot relationships whereby one party is in a relationship and the other party is just there to be the other part, or extra in movie terms. When they get fed up of pretending they fade away. What that means is that the relationship was never consummated.”
He added an angle I thought would was arguable: “Neuroscience tells us that over 60 percent of divorces or break ups are initiated by women. Women do this in many ways. They may emotionally abuse the guy by treating him badly, by being over demanding or blame him for everything wrong, even silly things like network challenges or traffic. Once such behaviour is repeated for a while the guy runs. If this woman was behaving in such a way subconsciously, she gets shocked when the dude has disappeared. However, there are some guys who just decide to change teams and dump a good woman in order to be with another one.”
Dealing with ghosting
One piece of advice that I thought was profound in my hay days was to this effect: “Never make a priority someone who only sees you as an option.” It could still be helpful to someone today.
Spectrum Mental Health has this advice on dealing with ghosting:
Don’t blame yourself: It can be easy to engage in negative self-talk and start blaming yourself, thinking that you did something wrong. Personalisation occurs when someone blames themselves for something that isn’t their fault.
Remember that when someone ghosts you, it says more about them and their shortcomings than it does about you. There are lots of reasons why someone may have stopped contact so there is no value in jumping to conclusions.
Don’t keep texting/calling: The other person has given a clear message by not responding to your attempts at communication.
Value your self-worth: Know that you deserve to be treated better. Self-worth is about knowing that you are enough and that you are worthy of love and respect. Focus on your own self-respect and self-value and remember that you deserve to have people in your life that treat you with respect.
Focus on healthy relationships: Get support from the positive relationships in your life,speaking to and spending time with friends and family members that support, encourage and respect you.
Enjoy yourself: Spend time doing the things that bring you joy and happiness, whatever that might be,spend your energy on something positive.
Don’t be that man, don’t be that woman who hurts others on purpose for fear of just coming right out and saying what the deal is or the deal breaker for that maker. I reckon your intentions will be better understood and you can enjoy your freedom from them without burning bridges.
If you ask me, I would say if you must leave for reasons known to you, do it in a way that is sensitive to the other person and maintains your dignity and your reputation. Just my thoughts. Would love to hear yours.
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