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Laina Makuzha LOVE by DESIGN
After a first marriage that did not succeed, or one that just blind-sided you with a painful divorce, it’s understandable that a second chance at marriage would be a precious lifeline for those who believe in love. A second marriage after a painful first, can feel like a blessing, but in some parts of the world, even second chances are no guarantee for success unless there is deliberate effort to work on it and stick it out when the going gets tough.
In the US for instance statistics in some reports show a staggering 67 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
As we know, nobody well-meaning goes into a marriage wishing or thinking it will have an end date. So how can you and your new partner build a stable, lifelong commitment? From listening to different conversations, and my usual dose of reading and research, there are some common mistakes that stick out, despite couples and circumstances being different. Check out the following and let me know your views:
Getting Married Too Soon
When people get divorced, some feel lonely and scared. They rush into relationships and marry the first person who makes them feel secure. They like the attention they get from their new spouse. But relationships run their course as we know. The infatuation goes away and real life takes over. Rebound relationships also allow you to dip your toes back in the deep sea of romantic relationships helping you recover from your previous relationship, but the intoxicating fun may not necessarily be a lifetime connection.
So it’s recommended that after a divorce, people should first take time to discover themselves, think about what went wrong and figure out how to do better. They should also think about what they are looking for in a partner before taking the plunge again.
Lack of Honesty
Be honest. Aside from abusive marriages, each partner shares blame for a divorce. Though it’s not always a 50/50 split, it’s far easier for either partner to blame the other. Human beings don’t like implicating themselves, but before you jump into a second marriage, you and your partner must be honest with yourselves and each other. How did you both contribute to the dissolution of your first marriage or previous romantic relationships? Failure to get honest will only lead to repeated relationship patterns.
Failure to work out your past
As we grow, our life experiences pile up, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Living through romantic relationships, both good and bad, leads to a maturity that can’t be manufactured. Some say experience is the best teacher. That said, a divorce is a traumatic life event that requires time and effort to process. It can sometimes conjure up feelings of failure, bitterness, resentment even loathing, low self esteem or low self worth and more. There are also toxic relationship patterns you must examine and unravel. You and your partner’s toxic traits will reveal themselves in time. To avoid this, make sure you do the psychological work to explore and process your first marriage – in other words, accept what has happened and learn from any mistakes.
Forgetting about the kids
We talked about blended families in a previous article. If you and your new partner both have kids, stepchildren will become part of your life. You’ll inevitably have to blend families, but too many second marriages start without adequate planning for the children. Kids are resilient, but they’ll have their own feelings to work out about your divorce. Imagine you get to choose your next partner, but your kids don’t get to choose their step-parent. The same is true of your stepchildren. Communication is vital when attempting to build a new stable family. Make sure you empower your biological children by validating their feelings and spending enough one-on-one time to help them through the transition, but don’t over compensate and let them call the shots, or you will alienate your partner.
Some couples have found that while children can keep first marriages together, they often can break up second marriages if not handled well. Children react to divorce in different ways, rarely do they like the fact that their parents are getting married again. They might have dreams of their parents getting back together and will try to get rid of the ‘obstacle’ — the step-parent.
No closure or resolution of ongoing conflict with an ex
A divorce doesn’t mean you’re free from your ex-partner for life, especially if you have children together. Divorce is a legal proceeding, but that doesn’t mean your relationship ends. Conflicts can linger with an ex long after the finalised divorce. These conflicts with your ex-partner will sap the time and energy you should devote to your current partner. Ongoing ex-partner fights can lead to resentment and alienation that can lead to second marriage failure.
Unrealistic Expectations
Think about what happens after the ceremony, the reception, and the honeymoon? Married life isn’t an endless party and tropical vacation. Of course you likely already know this from your first marriage, but it’s far too easy to believe a new relationship will never experience any hardships.
Be realistic. After the honeymoon euphoria, any marriage will experience ups and downs – just don’t be too hard on yourself or feel disappointed when you hit some rough patches.
Inability to Forgive Yourself and Your Partner
We all enter into relationships with flaws, and these are the characteristics that make us human. Expecting your partner to act how you want them to at all times is a common second marriage mistake. Your partner isn’t perfect, and neither are you. While you shouldn’t accept or condone the hurts caused by your partner, the ability to forgive and forge ahead is necessary.
Second marriages can work, and be a new beginning for your love life but the complications they present can make them even harder than your first. Make sure you’re ready before you exchange vows for a second time, and work hard to avoid these common second marriage mistakes to ensure a healthy and vibrant partnership.
Zvinoita chete I believe. Let’s keep the conversation going.
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