Online Reporter
This week, we look at issues that reveal the emotional weight of unresolved past relationships and the pressure of cultural expectations.
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Dear Amai, I am a 47-year-old man who is married to a hardworking and loving lady. We are blessed with two children — a son and a daughter — both currently attending university. We live in a small, beautiful and quiet community where everyone knows each other well.
A few years ago, I discovered that a woman I dated in high school is now married and living in the same neighbourhood. We occasionally bump into each other, but no one knows about our past. We interact normally, as expected of neighbours.
However, my son is now dating her daughter. He is deeply in love and my wife seems happy about the relationship.
I pretend to be okay with it, but it causes me great discomfort. My instincts tell me they may even get married soon. Amai, please help. How can I discourage my son without revealing my past? This situation is stirring up old memories I thought were long buried.
Response
Dear writer, thank you for your letter. I truly do not understand why you are making this your burden.
Your former relationship is in the past — it is water under the bridge. There is no need to cling to it. There is no blood relation between you and your ex, so your children are free to date or even marry.
When you married your wife, you vowed to forsake all others and remain committed to your union. This is your son’s choice, not yours. He and his girlfriend are innocent in all of this, unaware of your history.
You have no valid reason to discourage him. He may have found the love of his life. Let the past remain untouched. I assure you, nothing bad will happen. The other woman seems to have moved on — perhaps it is time you did too.
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I’m competing
against a ghost
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 24-year-old woman married to a man aged 26. We have been married for a year and have not yet started a family.
I regret marrying my husband. Before me, he dated his sister-in-law’s best friend for two years.
Their relationship was strong and I am unsure why they did not get married. I knew about them because we lived in the same neighbourhood. They were part of the bridal team at his brother’s wedding.
After their breakup, my husband and I briefly dated and then got married. But now, I see that he still loves his ex. It seems most of his family members adore her too.
I feel uncomfortable when we visit his brother’s house, where wedding pictures featuring her are prominently displayed. She still visits her friend and even travels with her.
Occasionally, my husband mistakenly calls me by her name. Last week, we were invited to dinner and she was there. They reminisced about their past and I had to excuse myself — I had nothing to contribute. I feel like walking away, Amai. Please help me.
Response
Thank you for reaching out. You are in a difficult situation, facing emotional baggage that is hard to ignore. Life requires compromise, but you should not always be the one making sacrifices. You mentioned your dating period was brief; were there no red flags? ou were aware of your husband’s past and the strong ties between his ex and his family.
Your sister-in-law remains close to her and that bond is unlikely to change. The photos are in someone else’s home — you cannot control that. You can only hope that the dynamic shifts if the woman relocates or marries someone else. In my view, you and your husband need professional counselling. He must be asked how he would feel if the roles were reversed. Calling you by his ex’s name is unacceptable. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Auntie wants me gone
I am a 19-year-old married woman and my husband is of the same age. We have one child. My husband works as a gardener and also sells goods when he is off duty.
Life is tough, but we manage. Thankfully, we have free accommodation and receive monthly food rations. However, one of my husband’s sisters keeps telling me to return to my parents’ home so that he can save money to pay lobola and make our union official. She was against our elopement from the beginning. She also suggested that we focus on education since we are still young.
I did not write my Grade Seven exams, but my husband did. I feel she does not like me — she never appreciates my efforts.
When she gives us handouts, they are often things fit for the bin. I may be poor, but I have my pride. Unfortunately, my husband now believes she has a valid point. Should I go back to my parents’ home with our child?
Response
Your letter was deeply moving. You and your husband are both very young and already have the responsibility of raising a child. To be clear, without lobola having been paid, your union is considered cohabitation (kubika mapoto) rather than a formal marriage.
In that sense, your sister-in-law (tete) does have a point and she seems genuinely concerned about the path your life is taking. It would be wise for the father of your child to pay lobola, as our culture recognises and respects formal unions.
This would bring dignity and stability to your relationship. Her suggestion about education is also valid. Learning does not end with age — you both have the opportunity to improve yourselves and this will open doors to better prospects. I believe tete means well, even if her approach feels harsh.
You and your husband should have an honest conversation and decide together what is best for your future. No one can force you to do anything — you are both adults. Lastly, consider having a respectful discussion with tete.
Let her know that while you appreciate help, you deserve to be treated with dignity. Handouts that are unusable only add insult to injury. I wish you strength, clarity and a hopeful path forward.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
