malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
Dear Amai, I am a 47-year-old man, who is married to a hardworking and loving wife. We were blessed with two children — a son and a daughter — who are both at university. We stay in a small, beautiful and quiet community. Because of the size of our area, we are familiar with one another.
A few years ago, I got to know that a woman I dated in high school was now married and staying in the same neighbourhood. We randomly bump into each other, but no one knows about our history. We interact normally as is expected of people who stay in the same neighbourhood.
My son, on the other hand, is dating the daughter of my ex-flame. The two are madly in love and my wife seems to be happy about it. I pretend to be okay with this situation, but it is causing me a lot of discomfort. My sixth sense tells me that they may even get married in the near future. Amai, please help. How do I discourage him without exposing myself? This is now bringing all the childhood memories back.
Response
Dear writer, thank you very much for your letter. I really do not understand why you are making it your problem. Your former lover is no longer part of your life; what happened in the past is water under the bridge. The past is dead and buried, so there is no need for you to cling onto it.
There is no blood relationship between the two of you, thus, the kids are free to date or even marry.
One of the vows you took when you married your wife was to forsake all other women and remain committed to your monogamous union. It is your son’s choice, not yours.
Mind you, they do not know about your history; they are innocent in all of this. You do not have a reason to discourage him. He may have found the love of his life. Leave the past untouched and I promise you nothing bad will happen. The other woman seems to have let it go.
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I feel overworked
I am a married woman and a mother of four beautiful children. My husband and I are in the same field; we are both teachers. During school holidays, my hubby forces everyone to go to the rural area, where his parents are doing productive farming.
He has a great passion for such projects, but I am the exact opposite. I would rather stay back in town and have a well-deserved rest, and work a bit from home during these breaks.
The children complain bitterly about such arrangements. I do not mind them helping their grandparents occasionally, but it is getting out of hand now. Amai, please help. How can the kids and I get away from this terrible arrangement without causing problems?
Response
Overworked sounds quite serious. You said your husband has a great passion for farming; this simply means he enjoys doing this through and through. It is unfortunate that he thinks you all feel the same about it. He should not always impose where you go as a family every vacation.
You must sit down and make a collective decision. As much as it is noble to go to the rural home to assist your in-laws, it is also good to use the time to refresh. You need to spend quality time together, learning new things, enjoying and relaxing.
Not every break should be taken to mean you want to visit your in-laws. I suggest you have a candid talk and tell him what you think. Initiate the idea of planning together. You can reach out to the kids as well. By doing so, I think you will come up with something that everyone enjoys doing. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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My hubby is two-faced
I am a married mother of two boys. My husband is gainfully employed. When he is free, he helps me a lot with running our family business. We are in the food industry and trying our best to keep our heads above the water. We have a combined budget and we are transparent with our finances.
However, my husband is one-sided when it comes to helping our families and parents. He says it is not my duty as a female to help my people. He thinks that responsibility is for my brothers. Each time I reach out and help, we have verbal fights.
When my people visit, he runs around and does his best to make them feel welcome, but behind the scenes, that is what I go through.
They think he is genuine and the best son-in-law. Amai, should I open up to my people and tell them the truth about this guy? We have a monthly standing budget for his parents and from what we make, I know we can easily do likewise for mine. I do not want to be forced to give them privately.
Response
First, let me congratulate you as a couple for having a combined budget and working together. Keep it up; it will strengthen your marriage. You have done very well, but do not let issues that can be easily rectified push you off track.
Your husband should know that we are in an era where we respect gender equality. When it comes to helping families, it is good to try to balance it out. Do not expose your husband to your family because it is of no benefit. Why would you want to disrupt the flow of a happy family? Start by reaching a compromise. I wish you all the best.
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