Chronicle Editor
Fredrick Qaphelani Mabikwa
GRIEF and loss are inevitable phases of life, and they affect everyone, including children.
However, many people do not understand how children grieve and how to support them during this difficult time.
When a family experiences bereavement, grief, and mourning, where is the child?
In many Zimbabwean families, when there is a death in the family, the home becomes a no-go area for the child. In most cases, children are moved to a relative’s place and brought back after the burial of the deceased.
Children who are left at home are usually the older ones, while the younger ones are often excluded from the funeral and burial processes.
When the children return home and ask about the whereabouts of the deceased, sometimes they are lied to and told that the deceased is in hospital or has gone overseas, which delays their grief.
This is not helpful for the children, as they will eventually find out the truth and feel betrayed and confused.
There is a common misconception that children do not grieve. In fact, they grieve just like adults. When a child loses a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a friend, or a teacher, they also need to grieve and have closure.
However, there are some traditional beliefs that may hinder the child’s grieving process and need to be reconsidered.
For example, I have heard that a child should not be near a corpse because they can pick some bad luck, popularly known as mhepo/imimoya in our local languages.
I do not intend to disrespect these beliefs, as I respect the belief systems of others, but I have not seen any evidence of this happening to a child.
On the contrary, I have seen some positive examples of children being involved in the funeral and burial processes of their loved ones.
In our extended family, a few years ago, we lost a relative who was a primary school teacher. Her pupils requested the Headmistress that they wanted to attend their teacher’s burial and sing for her.
The Headmistress did very well to call the parents of these children and tell them the request of the children.
I liked that the Headmistress consulted the parents and most of them agreed to let the children bid their teacher farewell.
The song the children sang for their teacher brought tears to most mourners and some of the children themselves, as they sang in their tears.
For me, this was very therapeutic for the children. I liked this arrangement because the children had closure and they were not left wondering what happened to their dear teacher.
When it came to body viewing, I noticed that some of the children did not do body viewing and those who did were accompanied by adults who I thought were their parents or guardians. I never heard of any mhepo or imimoya affecting any of these little ones.
I think it is time we respect and appreciate that children grieve like adults and give them the opportunity to grieve and mourn their beloved departed.
I saw another example at two separate burials of mothers (care-givers) from a Child Care Institution, where their children were allowed to view their bodies.
This is in line with Articles 5 and 12 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which talk about family guidance as children grow and respecting children’s views. This is what I saw at all these burials.
Death is a difficult topic for anyone, but especially for children, who may have different levels of understanding and reactions to it.
In this article, I will explain how children of different ages perceive death, and how to support them through their grief and loss.
Children under five years old do not have a clear concept of death. They may see death as something temporary and reversible, and not as a final end.
They may think that death can be avoided or prevented. They may ask questions about death, and we should not avoid or lie to them. We should answer them in a simple and honest way, such as “when people die, they don’t walk, they don’t talk, they don’t eat, and they are buried underground and we don’t see them again”.
We should not tell them that the deceased has been taken by God or has gone to heaven, as this may confuse them or make them angry or fearful. We should also not let them view dead bodies, as this may be too traumatic for them.
Children between five and ten years old have a more realistic understanding of death. They know that death is irreversible and that all living things die. They also know that they will die one day.
Research has shown that children of this age group grieve just like adults, and they may benefit from being involved in the funeral and burial processes. With their permission, we can let them view the bodies of their loved ones, especially their parents or siblings.
This may help them to accept the reality of death and have closure. We can also ask them if they want to participate in certain aspects of the funeral, such as lighting a candle, saying a prayer, or reading a poem.
We can also explain to them the meaning and purpose of memorial services, the unveiling of tombstones, and traditional rites such as umbuyiso/kurova guva. We can also answer any questions they may have about death and the afterlife, according to our beliefs and values.
Children today have more access to information about death than ever before, especially through the internet. This may make them more informed, but also more exposed to disturbing images and stories.
We should monitor what they see and hear, and talk to them about their feelings and thoughts.
We should also remember that when we were growing up, we may have had different experiences and beliefs about death, and we should respect the differences between generations.
Online Reporter