adminHELLO there readers, I hope you are well. I am hot, tired and suffering from sunburn lol. But otherwise I am good. This week, I am sitting in the lounge of a reader who wrote the following: Hello Marriage Dr, My name is Amai Haunyama.I am so grateful for this column, I buy the newspaper religiously each week to get advice on how best to deal with issues in our homes. It surprises me how you are able to give another side to an issue than what we see. I also appreciate that you understand our cultures, but also are aware that this generation is governed by a new culture out there. I never thought I would come to you with my issue specifically because usually the advice you give I apply and it works most times. My issue is that my oldest son married a young girl, but he is a problem to his wife, cheating on her etc. He drinks and is a disappointment to us. My youngest son is 31, very mature, loving, caring, supportive etc. He is a hard worker and is starting to do well for himself. Like every mother we look forward to the day that he finds a sweet young lady that I can call my daughter who makes him happy and has as many children for him and grandchildren for us as possible. This 31 year old from nowhere announced to us that there is a girl he has fallen in love with, and would like to take things further, as in marry her. He showed us pictures, we spoke to her over the phone etc. She is very beautiful (I can see why my son fell for her), and very poised. She lives in a different town, but they share so many things in common. In fact, she could very easily have been our child because her background is so similar. We hear him every night until late talking, joking and laughing with her on the phone. I have never seen him or any of our children so happy. She has affected him so positively. She works, so money is not the reason they are together because they are the same. It seems to be true love. He has changed his look. He has started to take care of himself, and is more supportive of us and his siblings. He now has plans and visions for his future which are positive and encouraging. The change Dr is amazing, you have no idea. But here is the problem . . . she is in her early 40s (even though she looks like his age) . . . yes over a decade older than my son. She has kids as far as I know. She was married before but it ended badly, so she apparently has not entertained other relationships. She is deeply religious so I guess that is why. So as you have guessed, as soon as he told the family her age, everything went dark. None of us can see past her age and yet before that we were ready to meet our muroora. I am ashamed to say, I wish something could happen so that they are separated for ever. I am sorry it sounds so devilish, but how on earth can we support this relationship. No one in the family is okay with it now. No one wants to meet her anymore except my husband. He says he wants to tell her gently that she is old enough to be his wife, so how can she be his son’s wife. Please Dr, my son is now threatening to leave us and cut off all communication from us. That would hurt me so much. But the tension in the family and with relatives right now is thick and terrible. I am afraid that those involved with traditional medicine in our family might try and harm this poor woman, in order to stop this relationship. My son says if anything happens to his girlfriend, he will go with her. We have started trying to introduce him to young girls from church, in order to show him that there are other women out there of his age and younger that are better suited to him. He is polite to them, but tells them all he is not single. PLEASE, PLEASE, HELP ME BEFORE THINGS GET BAD!
Woooo Amai, I am speechless. I hear so many of these younger man; older woman stories, but never have I had the mother of the son, write to me. I feel your pain dear, I really do. There is no mother out there who wants to see their son marry a woman who is old enough to be his father’s second wife. Looking at this woman’s age, she is probably close to your age right, or maybe a decade younger than you. This issue is not just about tradition, it is about reality. You as a mother want to be able to teach your daughter-in-law stuff, like family meals, how to dress properly, how to look after the new baby etc. You want to show her off to your friends and relatives. You want to be able to say to them “when are the babies coming”, without wondering if it is possible at her age to have babies. You also expect your daughter-in-law to hang around with the other young wives of your relatives, and you want to be proud as people compliment her youth and her beauty. Yes, my dear for you and your family and relatives; it is all about image and what people think for the family. It is all about status in society and longevity of the family tradition and name. For your husband I guess it is pride and ego (hence him wanting to tell the lady that he cannot accept her as his son’s wife, because she is old enough to be his second younger wife). The pressure on you Amai is unimaginable. Then there are relatives wanting to put a curse over this girl’s life, just to prevent the marriage. When a family go to such lengths bordering murder . . . things are not good.
Amai truthfully, this issue would be so much more easier for me to deal with if you had said this woman has a negative influence on your son. But the only reason you have given me is age. I seriously understand where you and your family are coming from.
In Africa this is not common and no one really knows how to deal with it. But in the Western world this is so normal and is now expected. May I ask you something though Amai? Would you prefer for your son to end up with a woman he does not love simply because she is the acceptable age, like your older son did? What if he does find someone younger, who only wants him for his money? And what if the younger woman cannot have kids? What if the younger woman fails to get along with your relatives after she marries your son? Who Madam guarantees us that a younger woman is going to be better than an older woman in marriage. What guarantee do you have that your wish for your son lies in a younger woman? Could it be that this older woman is the reality of your dream, except she comes in a package that is a decade older than your son? Ask your selves also, what does her parents / family feel about your judgement of their beautiful daughter who also deserves to find love and be happy? How will they feel when they hear their proposed future in-laws are planning to harm if not kill their daughter because of her age?
Look at your eldest son; he married within your guidelines, but he is unhappy, he is having affairs, getting drunk and abusive, wasting this young girls life and his. Now here you have a son who is in love and happy….but you refuse to allow him this happiness. Which is more important to you as a mother, as a family..your sons total lifelong happiness, or your selfish short life happiness. Truth be told, you and your husband have lived your life, but your son is just starting out and he wants to do it with this older woman who is hi soul-mate. One day you will be gone, but this woman will still be with him. Why would you doom your beloved son to a future of pain, sadness, lovelessness for the sake of marrying a younger woman . . . instead of supporting his choice of a future of love, fruitfulness, joy and all even after you and your husband have past on.
The choice is yours dear. I can only give advice here. But I beg you at this time, to please, please see things through your sons eyes right now. The fact that he approached you with his desire to get married, means he respects you and your traditions. Do not let an issue of age, destroy your sons’ life, his girlfriends life and the families that could have been great together. Before you knew this ladies age, you treated her as family; not that you know here age, she is an enemy…does this make sense to you dear? Pray about it, Fast if you must, but at the end of the day God will expect you to make the decision. Realign your thoughts, speak wisely and act compassionately towards your son and the daughter of another parent. If this is a God thing, God will cover and guide them. But if it is not of God; the relationship will end without your family interfering. Try not to be God in this situation, but be led by God and not your feelings.
God bless you.
Wedding Doctor can be messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected]
Online Reporter