How to dodge party disasters

GOOD people, I have never been so embarrassed!

Embarrassed to the point of leaving a party midway and spending a long time not wanting to be part of such gatherings.

Well, I was invited to a colleague’s birthday party last December and saw no reason in letting a rural-based nephew who had visited me tag along.

Though the guy is nimble-footed, he overstayed on the dance floor, making other guests think he had been hired to keep them entertained.

He also kept making song requests at the expense of other guests who had a right, just like him, to have the music they loved played.

Disaster was to follow in the food queue, where he took more than his plate could carry and ate noisily, making sounds similar to those of a pig enjoying a meal awash with water.

He drank everything alcoholic on offer — whiskies, wines, lagers and even opaque beer. In no time, these alcoholic drinks knocked him out and sent him vomiting, much to the chagrin of the host and other guests.

To escape further embarrassment, I simply drove off, leaving him to stew in his own juice.

So embarrassing was the incident that to this day, I do not want to take someone along to parties, weddings, funerals or any other social gathering, fearing a similar experience.

As we are in the festive season, gentle reader, we are sure to receive countless invitations to spend time mingling with others. It is prudent to avoid greed and behaviour that is outside the decorum of a civilised person.

Called “kutapirirwa”, “kunakigwa”, “kuzhembeudzwa”, “kuchakinya” or “kudhuukirwa”, among a host of other names, enjoying oneself should never exceed certain limits.

Everything you do at any place has to be measured. Another reality, people, especially my fellow ghetto boys, should quickly adjust to is that not every woman you see dancing at a party is loose and dying to be kissed or toyed with?

Fights often break out at parties when some guests take to the dance floor with their fellow invitees’ partners. There is no need to show the world how romantic you can be with a woman whom you did not take to the party.

When you attend a party, do not eat more than is enough. Additionally, do not try dishes that you have never tasted at home.

Always remain in control of yourself by not drinking excessively, discussing other people and issues that you do not fully understand.

It is possible to put your viewpoints across without pinching or patting other guests.

Remember to keep the toilets clean for the next users.

Gentle reader, in the interest of promoting good behavior, you should take note of the following when you are attending a party:

Do not vomit on yourself and others

Do not try to be the clown of the party when you are not

Do not break any crystals or vases

Do not steal the attention of the host the whole time

Do not mar the party by separating your own group and taking it to a different area

Do not have a fight

We lose nothing in behaving well and being good examples for others to follow.