Sundaymail Editor
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
DEAR AMAI, thank you very much for your column in The Sunday Mail. I have personally learnt a lot from it. I am 34 years old. Additionally, I am a dedicated wife and mother of two lovely boys. I am also gainfully employed. My husband has had an extremely busy office schedule since we got married.
What baffles me the most is that, when we were dating, he always had plenty of time for me, even though he held the same position at work as he does now.
He leaves early in the morning for the gym, then heads to the office, where he spends most of his day. Almost every day, he comes home after the kids have gone to bed. It is very rare for us to sit down and share a meal as a family. Even on weekends and holidays, he goes to the office.
I am tired of living like a single parent while still having a spouse. Last week, he asked me not to call him during working hours but to use text or WhatsApp messages if I needed to reach him because of his meetings. Amai, what good is all this work if it is pulling us apart? We miss him because he is never available for most of the activities we do as a family and with friends.
Response
Hello and thank you for writing in. I hope you share the knowledge you have gained from this platform with others. Reading about your situation made me very sad.
Considering your age, I wonder what on earth is happening. These should be the best years of your marriage. To be honest, your husband seems to view you more as a roommate rather than a partner. Marriage is about sharing a life together.
It is heartbreaking that your husband is missing out on the children’s lives and family moments. You need to have a candid conversation with him; he is duty-bound to fulfil his role as the head of the family.
Spending time with one’s family is essential for preserving the institution of marriage. Perhaps you can ask him about the nature of his work and why he lacks a healthy work-life balance. I also highly recommend professional counselling for both of you. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Stuck between a rock and a hard place
Dear Amai, I hope this message finds you well. I am a 40-year-old mother of three children. My husband and I are both high school teachers. We have a borehole at our homestead.
We were once very close to our neighbours; our children were like cousins. They used to fetch water from our home until I asked them to use it sparingly during the El Niño-induced drought. Suddenly, everything changed — the laughter and friendship disappeared overnight. We hardly talk anymore.
The only person they still interact with is my househelp. She is excellent at her job, but it hurts me when she spends time with our neighbours during her off-hours.
This situation has caused me a great deal of discomfort and I no longer trust her. My husband has suggested firing her, but good househelps are hard to find. Please help me; I do not know what to do.
Response
Thank you for writing in. I am well and I appreciate your concern. It appears your neighbour overreacted.
The advice you gave to preserve water was not only reasonable but also important.
Allowing them to use your water source was a privilege, not a right. Your husband’s advice shows that he is no longer comfortable having the househelp work for you.
However, the neighbour’s relationship with your househelp seems toxic in this context.
I encourage you to mend your relationship with your neighbours; you need each other, especially during emergencies. Be the bigger person and extend an olive branch — you have nothing to lose.
As for your househelp, keep your composure.
Her friendship with the neighbour is her personal choice and does not have to affect your relationship with her. I would love to hear how things turn out.
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One good turn deserves another
Dear Amai, I am a married woman and a mother of two. My husband and I worked hard to support his younger brother until he graduated from a local university.
He is now working abroad. Unfortunately, he does not reach out to me or my children. He was recently in the country for three weeks and visited the rural home but did not come to our house. He met with my husband at his office and promised to visit us but never came. I do not know what I did wrong, Amai. I did my best and this is the thanks I am getting!
Response
Greetings and thank you for your message. Well done for supporting your brother-in-law; it is a testament to the strength and importance of family. You should feel proud of yourself for helping him from the heart; that is what truly matters. I advise you to reach out to him directly and ask about his behaviour. He may be going through a rough time, and silence only adds to the confusion. Avoid approaching him through someone else, as this could lead to distortion or exaggeration of facts. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Bongani Ndlovu
Online Reporter