malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
THIS week, due to popular demand, we republish two insightful letters offering guidance on overcoming matrimonial burnout. Originally published in September 2022, these letters resonated with many readers who have faced similar challenges. We encourage you to share your thoughts and experiences through our feedback channels.
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I am 32 years old. I got married at a tender age as a second wife. I am now a mother of two and I have been married for 10 years.
We have a good rural setup with electricity, running water and other modern amenities.
The first wife has three adult children, who are all married. Our relationship is not the best, but we accommodate each other.
Last month, my husband invited his first wife’s close family members and sincerely apologised to them for having made Maiguru part of a polygamous union.
He offered to give her two cows and whatever else she may request as a way of apologising.
What took me by surprise is that he promised to be faithful to her and immediately stop the marital relationship with me.
He promised to continue to look after me and the kids at the homestead. I have my own three-bedroomed house here.
The second option is: We can relocate and he will still look after us.
He said the 10 years were a burden, although he did not show this outwardly, and he cannot continue to live this way anymore. My family forced him to marry me when they found him flirting with me at the shops back then, which is how it all started.
I thought we had settled and bonded well, especially after the birth of our children.
True to his word, he now stays with his first wife full-time. Where do I go from here? How do I handle this? Please help me.
Response
I am sorry about the recent developments that caught you off-guard. Life definitely came at you fast. I think the way this all started was rather foolish.
If you were aged 22 at the time and he was interested in you, you had a right to choose whether you wanted to become part of his family or not.
Your parents meddled and got you into a very tricky situation.
I feel you and your husband never had a choice in all this. It is hard to try to fight in a situation where someone is openly letting you know he is not interested in you.
He also wasted your time by not being true to himself. I think you need to pursue his offer to move you away from the homestead and have him look after your welfare elsewhere.
I think you need counselling to help you go through this rough phase.
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Parents headed for divorce
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 20-year-old woman and I am studying at a local university. My younger brother is doing Ordinary Level.
Our parents are great and we feel blessed to have them. They appear inseparable. But recently, my mother let me into a secret that is killing me.
I cannot even concentrate on my studies.
I also cannot divulge the information to my brother. Mum told me that, for the past two years, she and dad have been contemplating divorce and they sleep in separate bedrooms in their wing, although they still remain friends.
They have kept it a secret.
I want them to reconcile. It is unfortunate my mum refused to tell me why they had this fallout. She says she told me in order to prepare me as the elder child.
Amai, what is your take on this one?
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. I am sorry about what is going on in your family.
Your parents have gone to great lengths to try to make everything appear normal when it is really not.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, you can encourage them to take all of you for family therapy so you can come to terms with what is happening. You can also make use of any other channels to bring about reconciliation.
I also believe this will help you and your brother greatly.
The last thing you would want is to start having it affect your academic performances.
Who are your parents’ trusted friends and relatives? How can you rope them into this issue without ruffling your parents’ feathers? It is a huge burden for a child.
You will have to commit to it and make sure you try to do all it takes to get a grip on what is happening. You can continue to contact me for advice along the way.
It shall be well.
Feedback: beckychisamba@ gmail.com; 0771415474
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