Husband despises me

Mudzimba

Dr Chisamba

Dear Amai. I hope I find you well. I am a 33-year-old married mother of two small kids. Last week, my husband left home early for a board meeting.

In that rush, he forgot his most treasured gadget — his cell phone. He later called, asking me to pass through his office to give him his phone. I looked for it but could not find it. I then decided to call his number. I got the shock of my life when it started ringing because my number was saved as “Huma” and I fumed.

That name is used to describe a monster or something harmful. I asked him and his response made the situation worse because he laughed and said it was just a joke. I do not understand whom this joke is meant for. I now recall this name coming up occasionally when he is hanging out with his siblings. I feel betrayed. I feel like bursting. Please, help. How do I go about this?

Response

Dear writer. Thank you very much for reaching out to me. I am well and thank you for asking.

I do not think your husband knows what the word joke means.

You cannot make fun of your spouse with family and friends, especially in a negative way. It paints a very wrong picture. Since his siblings are part of this, I suggest you have a family meeting where he asks for forgiveness and withdraws the use of the name. What kind of a family is this?

He should also explain how he singled out “Huma” as your nickname, to begin with. He is a father and husband, and he should know his limits. I would be happy to hear from you after the meeting.

*******************

Relatives are taking advantage of me

Dear Amai. Thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column, of which I am a big fan. I am a 24-year-old single mother and I left my rural village to come and look for work as a house help six months ago. I got a lift to the city from my cousin who had come to see his parents.

He told me we would pass through his house first, before dropping me off at a friend’s house, where I would briefly stay, while I looked for work. When we arrived, his wife pleaded that I work for her since her house help had gone away without notice.

I made myself very clear that I did not want to be taken advantage of because I had a child to fend for. I told them how much I expected and we agreed on the figure.

My mother did not approve of this arrangement, but I started working for the couple. To cut a long story short, I was given my full salary the first two months only. Now, the trend is that she buys me things she thinks I need, without consulting me.

She has so far bought me a set of very expensive towels, satin nighties, lotions, perfume and roll-on. I have found another job, starting in October, but I know she will not say yes to it. I am planning to run away. I am confused because she has small kids that need to be looked after. What should I do?

Response

Dear big fan. Thank you very much for writing in and for speaking your mind. It is unfortunate you did not listen to your mother when she advised you against working for your cousin. If such arrangements do not go well, it destroys family relationships.

This couple tricked you into accepting their work offer. You should have seen this as a red flag from the beginning. You had made solid plans with your friend but you changed everything in a split second. This woman is taking advantage of you. She has no right to buy provisions using your salary without your prior approval.

You came to work so that you can better the life of your mother and child. Your boss has her priorities.

In as much as all this is wrong, please, do not run away.

The children will suffer the most. Sit down with your boss and tell her that you have found another job and tell her when you plan to leave so she can find a suitable replacement.

In life, avoid burning bridges because we live in a very small world. You have learnt your lesson. Please, stick to your plans. Your word is your bond. I wish you all the best in your new endeavours.

*******************

I am afraid of rejection

Dear Amai. I hope I find you well. I am a lodger in the ghetto and I get on very well with the landlord and his family. They mostly refer to me as mukomana wekuseri. I am having a “Romeo and Juliet” affair with their daughter.

We are madly in love. I am 26 and she is 24. Once in a while, when their car goes for service, I feel honoured when I give my girl and her dad a lift into town in my small vehicle.

Nobody knows about our love. We have been seeing each other for a year now.

The reason I have written to you is that I feel inferior, although I have a decent job. I do not know if this rich family will accept me. We have plans to get married at the end of this year. I am afraid of rejection.

Response

Dear writer, thank you for writing in. I am very well and thanks for asking. Never look down upon yourself. You have what it takes to be with any woman who genuinely loves you.

Your girlfriend is deeply in love with you because love knows no boundaries. You should never feel inferior in life. It is all about seasons. What you are today may not be what you will blossom into tomorrow.

The secret is to work hard in whatever you do, to improve yourself academically and financially whenever you can and to have self-respect.

Your girlfriend has already accepted you, so it will be easy to convince the family. For now, if you are serious, gradually get to know her father’s sisters and their team. You will soon be introduced to the people who matter.

When you get married, I think it will be in your best interest to look for alternative accommodation so that your relationship with your fiancé will not be compromised. I wish you all the best and, please, keep me posted.

Feedback: [email protected]; 0771415474