Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
DEAR AMAI, I hope this message finds you well. I am 24 years old and gainfully employed. I have decided to take dating seriously because I want to settle down with someone I truly love. Currently, I am dating a very beautiful lady, who is also my age. Although she is attractive, I feel she lacks depth.
She willingly told me about her former lover and after hearing her story, I was completely put off. Since then, I no longer view her the same way and do not wish to continue seeing her. She is pressuring me to share details about my former lover, but I see no reason to do so and prefer not to. How can I end things with her respectfully?
Response
I am very well and thank you for reaching out. At 24, you are at an age where you can seriously start considering settling down. There is no need to feel pressured into discussing your past relationships; what is behind you should remain in the past.
Such conversations may not add value to your current relationship. True love is built on honesty and trust, and if you have lost feelings for your girlfriend, it is best to communicate that to her.
I do wonder what she shared with you and how it changed your perception of her. Either way, time is valuable and if you both no longer align, it may be best to move on. I wish you all the best in your future relationships.
Consider premarital counselling with your future partner — it can help you address important topics before making a commitment. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Father falling for musarapavana
Dear Amai, last year I lost my dear mother. As per cultural tradition, my mother’s cousin was appointed as musarapavana to support our family.
This aunt has never been married and does not have children of her own. Our family consists of three siblings — two boys and one girl. We are aged 19, 17 and 15.
Since we are not familiar with cultural practices, we seek clarity on a matter that concerns us deeply.
Barely a month after our mother passed away, our father began secretly dating our aunt. Now, nine months later, their relationship seems as serious as a legal marriage.
When she visits, she shares the main bedroom with him and we are expected to call her mum.
We are deeply unhappy with this situation, but we do not know who to turn to for help. Is this what musarapavana truly means?
Response
Hello, writer. I am truly sorry for your mother’s passing — it is a deeply painful loss. Musarapavana is a role meant to provide support and care for the bereaved family.
However, it does not imply that the appointed person must take over or enter into a romantic relationship with the surviving spouse.
In most cultures, a 12-month mourning period is traditionally observed before one considers remarriage.
In your situation, it appears this was disregarded, placing you in a difficult position as children of the deceased.
Do you have other family members who could step in and help address this matter?
If your father and aunt wish to formalise their relationship, there are proper cultural steps to follow.
Try not to let this stress you too much — things will settle in time. Your father should exercise patience and avoid prematurely imposing this aunt as your stepmother.
If your maternal grandparents are still around, I encourage you to seek their guidance and support.
I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Help me find my match
I am a big fan of your column, and I follow it religiously. I am a 39-year-old woman with two children and divorced.
I am searching for true love, but my ideal partner must meet certain criteria. Since you interact with many people, I hope you can help me find my match. I am looking for a wealthy man because, in my experience, poor men complain constantly and impose strict rules.
I suffered for a decade in my previous marriage. My ex-husband was financially struggling and often in a foul mood.
To support myself, I had to run a small vegetable stall. My children live with their father and visit me during the holidays. I look forward to hearing from you.
Response
Greetings, dear fan. I appreciate your support. However, I must ask: Are you searching for true love or simply a way out of your financial struggles?True love is based on mutual desire and affection, not wealth. I am sorry that your marriage ended in divorce.
This time around, I encourage you to be wiser and more intentional about whom you date or marry. I also feel for the children, as they had to adapt to the changes brought about by your separation. Unfortunately, I do not provide a matchmaking service. Matters of the heart are complex and being a middleman is not an easy task, especially considering how unpredictable relationships can be.
If you choose to use a dating app or website to find love, I wish you all the best.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Tinaye Agere
Online Reporter