Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
This week’s letters illustrate the complexities and difficult choices inherent in modern relationships. They underscore the critical importance of making sound decisions only after carefully analysing each situation and thoughtfully weighing all potential benefits and disadvantages.
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I am in a loveless marriage and I hope you can help. I am a teacher and last year I met a fellow educator in one of our teachers’ groups. We started chatting and I liked him, so I asked him to send me his pictures, which he did. To cut a long story short, I ended up going to Bulawayo to see him, where he resides and works.
He had promised to get me accommodation, but he never did. Instead, he pressured me into having sex with him, telling me he loved me. I fell pregnant and he became distant. He did not even come to pay lobola for me; he sent his friends instead.
I went to see him with our new-born when the baby became sick, but he told me to ensure the child got treatment first before I could see him.
I then went to stay with him later, but he is always moody and has not stayed with me since January 14. What must I do? We argue over everything and this is not a good relationship. I am so ashamed of this situation. How do I tell my parents? Please help, Amai.
Response
Your letter made for very sad reading. Teaching is a noble profession, more of a vocation than anything else. It is a job where you must think of others who look up to you before you think of yourself. You are a role model to many students and how you live your life will directly or indirectly affect them.
I am shocked because your behaviour suggests you do not even understand why people marry.
A self-aware person should not randomly pick a man from a group platform.
You also rushed things from the first day you met. Oh,God forbid!
This guy refused to cooperate but ended up marrying you under duress. In my view, this relationship suffered a stillbirth.
This man is abusive, yet you continue to press on. It is very unfortunate that you now have a child despite these sad circumstances.
What you are going through is not conducive to your child’s good upbringing.
It does not take a rocket scientist to tell you that this guy does not love you at all; it is terrible. He did not even come to pay lobola with his team — how sad!
I urge you to come clean and tell your parents the whole truth. You never truly dated your spouse; you are more like strangers than anything else. It is as if you had a one-night stand and ended up pregnant.
Please go to a civil court, claim for child support and move on. You are young and full of potential; do not allow yourself to be treated as trash. If you think something can be salvaged from this dead relationship, then start dating him properly and see if it works.
The choice remains entirely yours, but now you must know that your decisions will also affect your child. This kind of stress is not good for your job. At times, you are better off alone than with a pretend spouse. I would like to hear from you again.
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Torn between my future and love
I am an 18-year-old young woman currently doing my Advanced Levels. I am very intellectually gifted and because of this, my aunt, who resides in the United Kingdom (UK), has decided to take it upon herself to bring me to the UK to further my studies when I am done with school here.
The problem is, I have a 19-year-old boyfriend and we have been dating for five years.
I really care about him and I do not want to leave him behind.
The other thing weighing on my mind is that my sister akatizira (eloped), so now there is pressure on me to do things the right way.
I also attend a church where we are supposed to marry from within the church. Since he does not attend my church, that could also jeopardise things. Please help.
Response
Thank you so much for your letter. You are 18 and have already dated someone for five years? If my maths serves me right, it means you started going out with this guy at 13, which was a bit early. In my view as a teacher, education is of paramount value in everyone’s life.
Many things in life will come and go, but once you attain an education, it will be yours until eternity.
Opportunities may vanish if you do not seize them when they arise. I urge you to accept the offer from your aunt in the UK.
This is truly good for your future. As for your boyfriend, it now depends on how committed you both are to each other.
You can promise to wait for each other if it truly comes from the heart.
I will be very honest with you, though: most long-distance relationships are not easy to manage.
In most cases, they simply fade away, which is why I emphasised true commitment. I am sorry about your sister who eloped.
This method is no longer as popular as it used to be.
In the modern world, it is like imposing oneself and it is not guaranteed to work out.
The issue of being forced to pick a spouse from within the church may be viewed as unfair from other perspectives.
You are now a legal adult, and at your age, the law allows you to choose what makes you happy. I think it would be a very good idea to sit down with your parents and let them know how you feel about that rule.
If you truly love your boyfriend and he feels the same about you, I foresee a future where you may both end up either in the UK or back home in Zimbabwe.
Pray about this; there is immense power in prayer. God will surely grant you your heart’s desires.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
