Andrew
Dear Amai. I hope I find you well. I am a 36-year-old woman, who is married to a guy aged 37. We are blessed with five daughters. The last one was born in October this year. Sadly, the baby was not well-received by my husband’s family because they were expecting a son. I was advised by a doctor to stop having more children on health grounds.
However, my husband says we should try one more time. He was told by a self-proclaimed prophet that the sixth baby would be a son. The last three daughters were delivered through caesarean section. I am scared and confused. I do not know what to do.
My husband and his family are standing by what they believe. They are saying he should have a son to carry his name. I have had many complications during childbirth. It is a big concern for me, my doctor and my parents. Amai, please help. What is the best way out?
Response
Thank you for writing in and congratulations on the newborn. The innocent baby should be well-received because every child is precious in their own right, irrespective of their gender. It is unfortunate that your husband does not understand that it has been scientifically proven that, during reproduction, it is the male’s sperm that determines the gender of the baby.
I encourage both of you to go for counselling so that this is fully explained. Please, also take heed of the doctor’s advice because it will save your life. You have five kids and they all need to be looked after by their biological parents. It is unfortunate the prophet’s words cannot be guaranteed as accurate. Enjoy and embrace your children. Whether you give birth to a boy or girl, children are the same in their value.
The same knowledge can be imparted in them, and they can acquire the same skills. It is a pity your in-laws do not see it that way. Advise them that another childbirth will seriously compromise your health.
Bear in mind that you could die on the operating table or have a child born with serious life-threatening conditions. I advise you to get a mediator to convey this message to your in-laws. Let the past complications guide you to restrain from trying one more time. I wish you all the best.
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It is not what it looks like
Amai, thank you for this column. I follow it weekly. I am a 24-year-old woman and my husband is 26. We got married at the beginning of this year. We are yet to have children. I am a full-time housewife, who is into sewing.
I sew from home and sell my items at church and in the community. We do not have a house of our own; we are tenants. We live in a four-bedroomed house. Unbelievably, each bedroom is home to a couple. We all share the kitchen and lounge. The property owner does not stay at the premises. Some tenants have kids who sleep in the shared rooms. The situation is terrible.
Last week, I woke up around midnight and went to the bathroom.
I was scantily dressed and half-asleep. When I tried to go back to our room, through the passage, I opened the wrong door and found myself in my neighbour’s room. I did not even know that his wife had come home. She normally does not stay with him. There was trouble that night. Everyone began to say I cheat on my husband with this guy. My husband slapped me twice and everyone is calling me names. The truth of the matter is that it was a genuine mistake. I cannot take the abuse anymore. I feel like quitting. Please help.
Response
Thank you so much, big fan. First, let me say the way you are living is not conducive for families. The environment is not ideal for bringing up children. What ages are these kids? A lot is happening in our country. The children need to be monitored round the clock. Your sad episode plays out like a West African movie but I do not want to be quick to blame you for the mistake.
Your husband went against the law by physically assaulting you. That is gender-based violence. The other tenants are mocking you and calling you names because of your husband’s behaviour. Marriage is about trust. The two of you should have teamed up and apologised for the trouble you caused, then ironed out your differences in the privacy of your room.
I do believe your story because your husband was right there in your room that night and there was no way you could just easily disappear from his sight. Quitting is not an option. I advise you to get the services of a professional counsellor to assist you. As for the other tenants, you can take the legal route and get a protection order. Last but not least, you need to look for alternative accommodation, one that is decent. I wish you all the best.
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Hubby segregates my family
I am a married woman and a mother of three sons. I am 37. My husband is two years my senior. We met in college, dated and tied the knot. We are both gainfully employed. We are quite a happy family.
However, when it comes to important holidays like Christmas and New Year’s Day, my husband thinks it is normal to buy gifts and groceries for his family only.
This has been going on for some time now, and I feel it is not fair. When I ask him why this is so, his answer is I am a married woman, so I belong to him and his clan. He further says my brothers are the ones who should run around for my parents. I know I could easily buy presents for my family behind his back, but why hide? Is it a rule that, culturally, things are done that way? I am a very transparent person. That is why I am asking for help.
Response
Thank you for your letter. It is very refreshing to hear that you get on well. I respect you for being a transparent person. That is how it should always be. It is quite disturbing that most of the time, when people do not have clear-cut answers, they hide behind culture. Our culture does not segregate any spouse’s parents. Instead, it demands that both sides be respected equally. It is very noble to look after your parents and give them the respect they deserve, too. When you are married, you automatically become a team with your spouse, and you plan together.
What would your hubby say if you were an only child without brothers? It is not a rule, but whoever can afford to buy provisions, be it a daughter or a son, may do so as long as it comes from the heart. The festive season is supposed to be a joyous time for everyone. Bless both sides and enjoy the season. What counts is the thought behind giving, not the amounts we spend. I wish you all the best.
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