Is age really just a number?

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Hesitant to get into polygamy

MAKADII amai? I’m a lady aged 20 and I am seeing a 25-year-old man. Our relationship is complicated because he is already married. But his wife is barren. She had her womb taken out. He insists that because of this, she is comfortable with him taking another wife aite barika and have children of his own. He has been pushing for us to get married in December. He says I can meet his first wife when this is done. I have also been asking to meet his family members, especially his mother. He seems keen on the idea of our families meeting. I am conflicted because the idea yebarika is not sitting well with me. I also feel for this other woman. I think this guy is lying to me. He is really pushing even, even though I’d told him that I want to finish school first. Please assist.

Response

Ndinofara chaizvo and thanks you so much for writing in. The good book says “Do unto others what you would have them do unto you”. We are talking about a married woman who underwent a major operation (hysterectomy), probably against her wish. The best thing for this woman at this juncture is to get sympathy from her spouse and family. The reason why people marry is love, yes children are important but they come from God as extra gifts. lt is harsh for this guy to tell his wife that he would want to marry someone who can bear children for him because she can’t do that. What happens if you don’t do as he expects you to? Just put yourself in this woman’s shoes and tell me how you would feel.

Do you really believe that this woman is telling her husband to marry another spouse? Is it that easy? From your communication, I don’t think you are under any pressure. I urge you to proceed with your education because this is your life and your future, nobody can take this away from you. The decision to give in to this guy’s demands depends on you. I just exposed a few things that I think you should take note of.

You are not a child bearing machine. This guy is not looking for love because he is already married, he has already told you why he is looking for another spouse. Take your time, give it a second thought. I would be happy to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.

Abusive hubby wearing me down

Hello amai, I hope I find you well. I am struggling to escape the claws of an abusive husband. I am a married woman aged 22. My husband used to beat me and bang my head to the floor. All this while we were staying at a place owned by my parents. He assaulted me over trivial matters like why I would have changed my password on the phone that he bought me.

Before beating me, he used to lock the door and put the radio on full blast so that no one could hear me scream. He also used to abuse our 16-month old baby. In fact he started doing so when she was just four months – beating up the child for no apparent reason. I reported him to his relatives asi vaisamugona. I ended up reporting him to his work superiors, they reprimanded him and sent us for marriage counselling kusocial services. They wanted him arrested.

He ended up losing his job. He would even get angry to the point of tearing apart the clothes and shoes he bought me. I am now residing at my parent’s place and he was ordered kuti aripe. He no longer has access to me or the child.

He continues to push for us to reunite but I am not interested. Other people are advising me to think twice because there is a child involved. How best can I get this man out of my life? He is not supportive of me wanting to pursue my tourism degree. I am in my first year now. He only has an Ordinary Level certificate and I think this makes him feel insecure and jealous.

Response

Hello dear writer, your letter made me teary. It’s unbelievable that such things are happening in Zimbabwe. Love is about true commitment, respect and care. A spouse who cares will never raise a finger against you. He/she can never beat you up. What type of a father and husband is he? How can a man with five working senses beat up such a young baby? It does not make sense at all.

He is a very dangerous person, many people have been killed or maimed because of not taking action against such people. Please report him to law enforcement agencies, he should be brought to book. What he did to the child is severe abuse and unheard of. He is a very ungrateful person. You provided accommodation for him and he treated you like trash, oh God forbid!

Leaving him is the best decision you ever made. In your letter you say he does not take advice from anyone, so it’s best to part ways. Concentrate on your degree programme because that is your future. I also hope that you are safe with the baby wherever you are. Make it legally binding, go and ask for a peace order before it’s too late. He is cruel and destructive, he does not even have respect for personal property.

The people who are advising you to go back to your husband for the sake of the child are not sincere at all. Please look after your child and make sure he is safe. Your sixth sense is telling you the truth, please listen to it. This chapter should just be closed. I wish you all the best, please keep me posted.

Is age really just a number?

I am a 24-year-old woman and a mother of one. My former relationship did not work out and that’s why I am a single parent. Recently I fell in love with a younger guy. Chidhakwa zvacho but we respect each other and care for each other. The only hurdle in the way is that his friends are making fun of him for dating an older woman. I am now conflicted about continuing this relationship with him. Will it bear fruit or will it always be threatened by what external forces say? Will it potentially influence him in the long run?

Response

The issue of age varies from people to people. Some cultures don’t fuss about age differences. In our culture, the majority tend to worry, especially when the female is the older one because in our set up, baba is head of the family. You described your boyfriend as chidhakwa. As a good mother, would you want to keep your daughter around such a character?

When it comes to the upbringing of your child, what kind of environment are you looking for? If this guy is a drunkard, what are his priorities? Does he love your child? These are some of the important questions that you need to answer. Friends play quite a pivotal role in one’s life and they can easily influence your boyfriend if he is not a strong character. Have you met any of his family members and how did they receive you and your child? I hope your boyfriend is gainfully employed because drinking is a very expensive lifestyle. Assess your man. Last but not least, please go to court and claim for child support from the father of your child. I wish you all the best.

 

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