Is there a relationship worth dying for?

Flora Sibanda, Sunday News Reporter

“NGIZOTHANDWA ngubani na, mangiyishiya lendoda, (who will love me if I leave this man),” are part of the lyrics from Amanda Black’s song Thandwa Ndim and they best describe Anesu*’s life situation at the moment.

She lives with her abusive husband who not only physically abuses her but does so sexually too, to an extent that he has allegedly infected her with HIV. But with all the pain, Anesu is determined not leave. She asks herself who will love her as damaged as she is.

Anesu says she met her husband 10 years ago and everything was rosy until he started cheating five years back. She says her husband Kundai made his cheating so obvious and made no attempt to hide it from her.

“When I tried to confront him some years back that is when the physical abuse started. I have lost three babies through miscarriages because of his abuse.

Because I was scared of his carelessness as he now has other children outside our marriage I suggested that we use protection during our intimate moments or we do not do anything at all,” she said.

Anesu* says after that suggestion that is when all hell broke loose as Kundai started sexually harassing her saying it was his right to have her anyhow since he paid lobola and does not owe her parents anything.

She says she did not understand the meaning of marital rape and always ridiculed women who “cried rape” while married to the same man they would be accusing until it happened to her.

“This kind of rape hits harder and differently because you do not expect your husband who promised God and other witnesses that he will protect you to be the rapist. You feel worthless and dirty by just thinking of it especially since you have to live with him daily,” she said.

Anesu added that she was kept put by the physical and emotional scars that she had sustained over the years in the relationship.

“Now to everyone who is telling me that I should leave, where am I supposed to go with both the physical and emotional scars that I have? What kind of man will love me? How is he supposed to love me? I am going to stay and I will not listen to anyone telling me otherwise it is better that I live with the devil that I already know, than to start afresh,” she tearfully says.

Anesu’s story is different from Martha’s but all are victims of Gender-Based Violence (GBV).
“I’m living proof of what bad love can do, I’ve got the heartache and the bruises too,” are lyrics by Yanga in her song — Scars which best describes Martha’s situation.

For Martha, staying in the abusive relationship where she was to suffer the torturous exertion was not an ideal option. She was slowly turning to be the animal that her ex-boyfriend was.

“If I had not left chances are high, he would be dead by now and I would be in jail for having killed him. I was slowly becoming a violent person, always thinking of quick ways of killing him,” she said.

“He left me scarred for life. I can no longer bear children and am now HIV positive because of him. My life is like a nightmare. I can hardly believe that I am now part of the women who make statistics of being abused and staying in their relationships till they are scarred for life,” she added.

Martha says she remembers how her husband kicked her stomach countless times despite the blood that he could see flowing down her thighs.

“He killed my baby and killed the little girl in me who was able to love and trust a man. I left him and he is now happy with another woman but do l envy that woman? Definitely no, l actually feel sorry for her. I am proud I left him even though I can no longer conceive and am HIV-positive,” she said.

Another woman who witnessed GBV Ms Ruth Tshuma believes no-one is worth dying for in love. She says when signs of abuse begin to show, the best option is to move out when people are still alive.

“I remember singing the wedding song ‘wesibali uma ekuhlula mbisele ekhaya’ on my sister’s wedding day. I wish my younger sister’s husband had listened; I wouldn’t be grieving for her today.

He killed my sister because of the issues that they had, how I wish he had decided to bring her back home the moment he realised she was becoming too much to handle,” said Ms Tshuma.

Ms Tshuma’s younger sister was killed by her husband after he found out she was pregnant with another man. The unidentified husband is said to have ripped open Ms Tshuma’s stomach with a knife before committing suicide.