Just because I’m a woman

Busie Mtshede
“MY father married a woman who has turned our family upside down. She is mean, cold and only has her own interests in mind. My siblings and I don’t know how to have a relationship with our father with her in the picture she is really nasty. What should we do?” I received this message as a WhatsApp feedback for my column this past week. I could not help but ask myself why a woman would mistreat “innocent” children. After an exchange and sharing of some personal experience I could not understand how a woman, a “mother” could live with a hunger to separate children from their father the only parent they know.

When parents marry for the second time there is always the chance that the stepparent is going to have a divisive effect on the family. Most stepparents want unity and harmony, but this does not seem to be the case in every situation. The hope is that women possess an innate drive to love and nurture children. Thankfully most do, so it pains me when the bad ones taint the reputation of all women who marry men with children. Bottom line is, as a woman I believe we have a maternal instinct that makes us naturally love children whether born of our womb or not. As far as hard jobs go, it’s up there with air-traffic controller and crane operator. Stepmothers preside over a minefield of hidden hurts, half-concealed traditions and occasional tug-of-war.

Because I am a woman I understand that being a mother is one of the most difficult jobs you will ever have, being a stepmother . . . well, let’s just say at times it can be even more difficult than being a mother. Being a parent is a very difficult and responsible job, but even more difficult role to be a stepmother. Now I cannot speak for every stepmother seeing as I have never been one, I can only tell what I gathered this past week, a rocky road filled with jewels.

Growing up watching Cinderella stories I thought stepmothers were mean but that is not always the case some women are born to love and are not only loving towards their biological children as they embrace every person they consider a child, that is why we have some community builders. I personally think it’s a shame for a woman to punish children that are born of a different mother by being nasty and abusive.

I am not only blaming the mothers as I know that some children can be a handful and hard to raise especially if they hit their teenage lives filled with storm. In some cases many stepmothers get their feelings hurt, their hopes dashed, their efforts unacknowledged and that sinking feeling of “why in the world do I even try?” I want to acknowledge the stepchildren who have had terrible experiences with their stepmothers. Yes, I know that there are truly selfish and non-caring stepmothers out there, just as there are selfish and non-caring mothers. I know there are stepmothers who have tried, with great success, to alienate their partners from their children (and shame on any father who allows this), who have been abusive, dismissive, non-caring and disinterested.

Rather than enduring the time you spend complaining about his children, enjoy it because they will not disappear at the click of your fingers. They are never really going to go away, even if you stay under the radar. Intimacy may be a long time coming, but, like so many other situations in life, you’ve just got to put in the time and effort. Granted, it’s a complicated dynamic, but bear in mind that “The love you make is equal to the love you take.”

I will be taking a long sabbatical therefore Because I am a woman column will not be running but will return when I have time to do what I know best.