Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
Last week, transformation coach and pastor Brenda Shoko reminded us that unresolved pain has a way of making the present feel like the past. She emphasised that healing begins when our wounds no longer dictate our reactions.
As I reflected on that conversation, I found myself revisiting a short but powerful teaching by Apostle Isi Igenegba entitled “What We Marry”.
Her central message is both simple and confronting: when we marry, we do not merely marry a person. We marry experiences, beliefs, family cultures, sometimes emotional histories.
And, in many cases, we marry wounds.
Apostle Isi refers to these inherited patterns as family altars. While the term carries spiritual significance, her broader point is one that counsellors, psychologists and pastors have recognised for years. Every family develops patterns that influence the people raised within it.
Some patterns are life-giving: Generations of prayer, of resilience, of integrity, or generations of healthy communication. Others however, leave scars: Patterns of anger. Patterns of abandonment. Patterns of rejection. Patterns of addiction. Patterns of silence. Patterns of emotional neglect.
The older I get, the more convinced I become, that every family has strengths and every family has struggles. The question is not whether a pattern exists, but whether we recognise it and choose to address it.
Christian authors and relationship experts have long taught that our early experiences shape the way we give and receive love.
What appears to be a relationship problem is sometimes an old wound crying out for healing. A child who grows up constantly criticised may become an adult who struggles to receive correction. A child who experiences abandonment may develop a deep fear of rejection and spend years seeking reassurance.
A child raised in a hostile environment may learn to use anger as a weapon or defence mechanism.
An emotionally neglected child may later become an emotionally unavailable spouse.
This reality helps explain why some couples find themselves trapped in cycles they do not fully understand which we have discussed previously.
They are not only responding to one another, but also reacting to painful experiences, deeply held beliefs and emotional injuries formed many years earlier.
Many counsellors, psychologists and faith leaders agree that unresolved emotional wounds can contribute to destructive behaviours.
Deep-seated anger, rejection, shame, fear, emotional neglect and unresolved grief may remain hidden for years before eventually surfacing in adult relationships.
Perhaps this conversation is especially relevant in search if answers, at a time when Zimbabwe continues to witness disturbing incidents of violence within intimate relationships.
Hardly a month passes without reports of husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends physically harming one another. In some cases, lives are tragically lost.
To be clear, of course not every act of violence can be traced to childhood trauma, nor should abuse ever be excused because of someone’s upbringing. Adults remain responsible for their choices and actions, unless otherwise professionally diagnosed.
Sometimes controlling behaviour grows from a desperate need to feel safe. And sometimes unhealed pain expresses itself through emotional, verbal or physical aggression.
This is why premarital counselling remains one of the most valuable investments a couple can make, in my view. Far too many couples spend months preparing for a wedding and very little time preparing for a marriage.
They discuss venues, attire and guest lists, but never discuss family histories, childhood experiences, personal triggers or unresolved trauma.
Yet these are often the very issues that emerge later in the pressures of married life.
Imagine how much heartache might be prevented if more couples entered marriage willing to ask difficult but necessary questions:
How did your family handle conflict?
How was grief processed?
What family wounds remain unresolved?
What fears do you carry from childhood?
Which family patterns do you hope to continue?
Which ones must end with you?
Equally important is the need for individuals to understand their own family story. In many African families, painful subjects are rarely discussed openly. Family secrets are protected. Trauma is buried. Difficult experiences are dismissed with comments such as “just move on” or “pray about it”.
Yet what remains unaddressed rarely disappears.
Whether we acknowledge them or not, family patterns often reveal themselves over time. Unresolved trauma, cycles of violence, addiction, abandonment, emotional distance and unhealthy ways of handling conflict can quietly pass from one generation to another until someone becomes courageous enough to confront them.
Knowing your family history is not about blaming parents, grandparents or relatives. Neither is it about becoming trapped in the past.
It is about understanding your origins so that you can make informed decisions about your future. Some battles did not begin with us, true. But they can end with us.
When we understand our bloodline, recognise recurring patterns and intentionally seek healing, we give ourselves a better chance of building healthier marriages and healthier futures for our children.
Apostle Isi argues that some family patterns require more than behavioural adjustment.
Some wounds have become deeply rooted strongholds that need to be addressed through prayer, worship, deliverance and the transforming power of God’s Word. This does not mean ignoring professional counselling or practical intervention.
Rather, it acknowledges that transformational healing is often both emotional and spiritual.
Scripture repeatedly points to God’s desire to heal broken places within us. We are reminded that He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. We are also called to be transformed through the renewing of our minds.
Many believers testify that counselling helped them understand their wounds, while prayer, worship, discipleship and deliverance ministry helped them overcome deeper spiritual strongholds attached to those wounds.
The goal is not perfection, but wholeness.
What family pattern have you chosen to keep, and what family pattern are you intentionally breaking as you build a healthier future? Lets keep the conversation going.
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