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Laina Makuzha
Love by Design
In relationships be it dating, courtship or marriage itself, there are mainly two types of conflict: perpetual and solvable challenges.
Perpetual problems are disagreements that will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another, and solvable are those that you can resolve.
And some of these call for difficult conversations in order to reach an understanding. However it is important to identify which category the different conflicts fall in — whether perpetual or solvable.
If it is true that we all want to be happy, why then is there so much strife in so many relationships? How is it that two people who saw something wonderful in each other, agreed on so many things, so many levels — find themselves stuck in a rut, blind sided by endless vicious arguments?
All is not lost however, as experts will tell you conflict is not all negative and that you can actually have healthy disagreements and come out with a stronger bond.
Here are some ground rules to consider in the quest to fight fair and get positive results, ie reach some sort of understanding.
Keep calm: Some people will think this means being too soft but really its just meant to not overreact to difficult situations as this would hardly solve the issue at hand
Express feelings of hurt or anger in words, not actions — This is arguably one of the most difficult aspects of that process as some people can be so engulfed by anger that they just want to expend all that energy in some physical harm or damage to property but that too only compounds the situation at hand. Some use words and then make those words pierce so sharply that they cut like a knife and ring in someone
Be specific about what is bothering you — (your partner should not have to guess) — Piece of cake right? Not so much I would say. Much as this may seem doable, not everyone finds it easy to verbalise their disappointment, change of heart or grievance.
Deal with only one issue at a time — There is often that temptation to bring up issues from the past to support one’s argument but this can deepen the conflict.
Have you been in a relationship so long that you have stopped seeing the value of your partner’s views that you don’t even hear their point of view? Are you constantly finding fault or that every conversation is becoming offensive — you say something, it is distorted somehow and offensive to your partner, they say something and all you hear is accusation? And on and on it festers till it’s a huge conflict?
Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t always hunky dory in a relationship. Some conflict actually makes your bond stronger as earlier mentioned. But when does it become a cause for concern?
When you can’t enjoy the beautiful relationship you have, or once had; when you keep allowing disagreements to ruin a perfectly beautiful union. If going through a difficult patch a romantic relationship, one way to keep things in perspective if to think about the time you first met, the joy, the excitement and good memories you created…
Where has it all gone? And what part have you played in the debris you now see?
For your own health though, it is critical to agree to disagree if you must, or to learn to forgive and let it go. Learning from a situation or from the past helps with dealing with similar challenges in the present and future but that’s not all, it also steals your joy, your peace of mind.
Am I saying you roll over and play dead? Absolutely not. But every time you come out of a conflict or painful situation unscathed, you are training yourself to be smarter about how you win battles, and you are strengthening your emotional quotient.
We are seeing some folks washing their dirty linen in public day in day out, and they enjoy “trending”, bayatrenda, varikupisa. There’s that part of human nature that wants to cause an equal amount of pain or more, to the person that has hurt us.
And sure dragging their name in the mud and watching them squirm might bring some sort of warped joy or satisfaction to a vindictive individual, but for the individual who prefers peace, that approach is unlikely to take the pain away.
Hurting yourself or someone else doesn’t make anything better. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Couples are hurting each other in unimaginable ways, but where does it all come from? Perhaps getting to the root is one of the things couples need to consider. You don’t just wake up and someone is a sudden monster in your life. Did you perhaps ignore the signs?
But addressing issues doesn’t mean shaming your loved one, washing dirty linen in public, dragging the whole family into it — where the opinions of others begin to influence how you handle matters in your home. Of course one might draw some sort of satisfaction from a tit for tat, or “I’ll fix them/teach them a lesson” mission, but if one’s honest with themselves, it leaves a bitter taste in the mouth for some time to come.
So how do you find your way back to sanity, if the intention is to strengthen your relationship with whom you value and want to be with? Learning to fight fair is one way of looking at it.
I’ll throw in my “tuppance” and say when all else fails, love never fails. Consider a portion of Bible scripture that challenges me continually: 1 Corinthians 13 v4-8; 4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, 5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; 6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; 7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. 8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
I must tell you, this I’m still learning! But I figure when you don’t assume the worst of your partner, when you can appreciate the good in them, letting go of past mistakes, past offences, I reckon that’s a starting point.
Healthy relationships are those where there’s ability to sometimes disagree and argue without throwing the baby out with the bath water.
What is your view? I would love to hear from you.
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