Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
I am a 29-year-old woman who has been dating the same man for the past six years.
Each time I bring up the topic of marriage, he suggests that I give him a loan, promising to repay it once we are married. He owns an uptown apartment, has a good job, drives a luxury car and earns a higher income than I do.
While I love him dearly, I do not understand why he remains hesitant to settle down. Amai, how can I encourage him to take me seriously?
Response
Greetings, dear writer. Love can be hard to understand at times. I do not think you are on the same page regarding marriage. He cannot be serious; why would you pay your own lobola? It sounds insincere, especially considering that he has family and friends. He could ask them for a loan if he genuinely needed one.
I suggest you go for premarital counselling so that he can speak his mind openly. This will also help you see whether your goals and aspirations for the future are truly aligned.
You may be flogging a dead horse, but I wish you all the best.
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How can I mend rift between my husband and his mother?
Dear Amai, I hope this finds you well. I am 34 years old, and my husband is of the same age. We are blessed with two children — a boy and a girl.
When my husband was five years old, his biological mother left his father for another man.
His father remarried when he was seven and his stepmother took very good care of him, resulting in a very strong bond between them.
He earned a degree and is now helping his younger brother through school. Currently, his biological mother resides at her rural home and is struggling after being sent away by her husband for mistreating her in-laws. She tried to reach out to my husband, but he vowed never to welcome her back.
Although I tried sending her some money behind my husband’s back, I know that is not a long-term solution. How do I help mend these broken fences?
Response
I am very well, and thank you for writing in. You are so mature for your age, and you are a good wife. I think he needs help and he probably still grieves over the fact that his mother dumped him when he needed her most.
God blessed him with a good stepmother to fill the void, so he should not remain this bitter. He loves his stepmother very much and maybe if she encouraged him to reconcile with his biological mother, he would go for it.
He needs to go for professional counselling. He cannot pretend that she does not exist at all. Reconnecting may open old wounds, but he cannot avoid it forever. Remain supportive and help him navigate this hurtful wound.
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Hubby going
off the rails
How are you, Amai? I am 39 years old and my husband is 40. We are blessed with three children. My husband had a very strict upbringing, where he was compelled to attend church every week and participate in almost all church activities. Throughout his youth, he never tasted pork or any alcoholic beverages.
The first two years of our marriage were wonderful, but he is now the complete opposite of what he once was.
His friends have nicknamed him “Pleasure Manager”. He now drinks heavily and frequents recreational spots to braai, often returning home only at dawn on weekends.
He no longer goes to church or even says grace before meals. Both of his parents have passed away and no one on his side of the family can speak to him about his behaviour because he calls all the shots since he holds the financial power and resources. What can I do?
Response
I am fine and how are you? Your letter made for very sad reading, as he has made a complete turnaround. He desperately needs help because alcohol is highly addictive and hazardous to health. Furthermore, this type of binge drinking could easily affect his performance at work. You should try to speak with his friends and family so that you can get him into an alcohol recovery programme before it is too late.
Express your concerns to him directly and make it clear that if he values his family, he needs to seek help while he still can.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
