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Laina Makuzha LOVE by DESIGN
In spite of the challenges faced in marriages, every couple desires and dreams of their own marital bliss. From the moment a couple decides to get married, and they start planning their wedding, they start their marriage in high spirits, hoping to build a happy life together.
But things happen, stress builds up, and romance takes a back seat and even responsible couples find it challenging to find time for each other. Some find that starting their own family, making their own decisions, doing everything together, and so forth which sounds like a lot of fun, can sooner seem easier said than done and their love takes a knock and it starts to feel like a loveless marriage,
But what is considered a loveless marriage, and why does a marriage even get there – what are the signs a couple can look out for?
Last week we discussed some lessons that can be learned from failed relationships in order to move forward in finding true love. This week a question that came through inspired me to discuss how to save a marriage that is wading in troubled waters- a loveless marriage.
Loveless marriage
Those going through this challenge will tell you a marriage can be considered loveless when the basic feelings of love, care, understanding, and trust do not exist in the relationship anymore.
There is contempt, resentment, and hatred for each other that has built over time. Both or at least one partner no longer wanting to work on the marriage, can mean that you are in a loveless marriage.
Expert Blogger Sylvia Smith says a loveless marriage is simply when you do not feel loved or cared for by your partner. “If both you and your partner feel unhappy in the marriage, chances are you are in a loveless marriage. The spark dying down is one thing, but losing fundamental feelings of wanting their company, being around them, doing certain things to make them happy, etc., can be considered signs of a loveless marriage.”
What leads to a loveless marriage, one might ask. When two people decide to get married, nobody thinks or expects that they will fall out of love with each other. However, losing feelings for your partner is not uncommon. This can happen due to a variety of reasons.
One could be that marriage or relationship is not the priority anymore. Maybe their career is taking all their time and energy, or there are now children in the equation, all the focus is on raising them.
Another aspect is when the couple has problems adjusting to each other’s personalities, dreams, and goals and end up drifting apart. A significant negative event such as adultery, dishonesty, or lying has caused resentment.
Financial stress, sexual inadequacy, or joblessness are also big contributors to one person falling out of love with the other.
I find reference to the frog analogy quite fitting — which says if you put a live frog in boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put a frog in lukewarm water and heat it slowly, it will not perceive the danger until it’s cooked to death. A majority of loveless marriages are similar to a boiling frog. The relationship degrades gradually, and the couple does not notice it until it’s too late.
However, all hope is not lost if the couple still wants to fight for their love to work. I’ve picked a few red flags that couples can look out for and work on straightening out:
You stop saying “I love you” to each other
One of the most apparent loveless relationship signs is the lack of affection when talking to each other. Do you still remember when your relationship was new, and you couldn’t stop saying sweet nothings to each other? The moment it stops completely is a red flag.
Every little thing turns into a huge fight
If the first sign signals an unhappy marriage, this sign means that your relationship is at a critical boiling point. If little things about your spouse irritate you to the point of madness, it’s time to step back and reassess your relationship.
Always defensive
A red flag often ignored as something small yet quite destructive in the long run, is if you ever point out a problem to your partner and they are always defensive instead of listening or understanding where you are coming from. They start to point out things wrong with you, more like gaslighting you — instead of accepting what you are saying or trying to find a solution.
You turn to others for comfort
The moment your spouse becomes a source of hatred, some people turn to something, such as alcohol, video games, or someone else, for support. If this happens to you, then your marriage is in jeopardy. A marriage without love is troublesome, but the moment partners start to love someone/something else and get closer to someone else than their partner, it’s a danger sign for the relationship.
You find staying at home stressful
N matter your status in life, a person should view their own home as a refuge, a haven of peace. It doesn’t matter if the person lives alone or with a big family. The ideal home life is a place where one rejuvenates and gets away from worldly problems. The moment your home, particularly your spouse, becomes a source of stress, that’s a red flag
The moment you find yourself making excuses to avoid going home, including really working overtime, it’s a sign of a marriage crying out for rejuvenation
You avoid intimacy altogether
A marriage without conjugal rights is already a red flag in itself, but if you or your partner is purposely avoiding it, that’s not just a threat to your relationship, but it could also lead to depression. It’s a typical pattern for long-term couples to tone down sexual activities as they get older, but deliberate avoidance is a whole different issue and leads to resentment.
There are so many other signs I found in my research that I could share and insights on how couples can revitalise their love lives in and out of the bedroom along with finding experts that can help couples.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, there are great resources I can share. Let’s keep the conversation going as we still need to discuss more red flags and how couples can get past these challenges.
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