adminHELLO there everyone, I hope you are all well. I am a little rushed this week with travelling and all, but it is the beginning of the year, so better now than later, hey.I am really trying to write my columns of weddings and everything to do with putting together a wedding, but I seem to be failing because of all the relationship questions you all seem to be asking me.
And this week is no exception. I could not ignore this one. So once again I am answering a relationship question, but soon and very soon I will have to get back to the wedding thing kikiki
Okay, so this week, James wrote: “Hello Anastasia, my name is James – short question. I love my wife, but lately I have lost my feelings for her and I am falling for another woman. Help, the feelings for this other woman who I met at work are very strong. She is attractive, intelligent and I can talk to her about anything. She makes me feel great about myself all the time. What can I do because I am heading for an affair like all my other workmates or a divorce?
I have two small kids with my wife and I do not want to jeopardise our family. Help me please.”
Oh no James! This is not okay in all its forms. But first, thank you for admitting the truth and also asking for help.
That to me is one of the things that divines maturity – when one is willing to admit he/she is weak in a certain area and needs help.
First, James I need to ask you, what is happening within you that you are turning outside the marriage to feed your insecurity? You mentioned that she makes you feel great about yourself – why do you need someone else to make you feel good about yourself? What happens when your workmate turns her attention to someone else, will you lose your feelings for her just like you have for your wife? I take it that you and your wife have become familiar with each other, so you no longer see all the amazing things in each other you used to. Or is it that you are so distracted or away from each other that you no longer have time to appreciate each other like you used to.
You also mentioned that the object of your current attention is intelligent and attractive. I wonder if this is the same thing you thought about your wife when you first met her. The thing is James, that when people get married, most of the time the wife becomes educated in husband care and childcare and homecare; whilst the husband goes out into the world to be more educated. In time the two become separated by their different choices of education.
I wonder why you say this other woman is intelligent. Is it because she can engage you on the same level as you are based on the fact that you can talk about the things you are involved in etc. But I bet you, if you ask her about childcare and those things, you will find her uneducated. Why? Because her attention right now is on her career and the things the outside world are presenting to her. Whereas your wife’s attention right now is probably on you and the kids and how to keep the family sustained. These women are both educated/ intelligent, only they have chosen different paths to master in.
For your marriage to work right now my friend, you need to step into your wife’s shoes and start to understand and learn the things she is learning about in the family. Also you need to take time to teach her about your world and things you are now interested in. Because I have a feeling your interests have changed now but your wife’s have not.
Now on the issue of attractiveness. This is a worldwide issue with many women when they get married – they become old kikiki. I do not know what gets into us women when we get married. Maybe it is because we get comfortable around our men I don’t know. But what I know is you need to be honest with her and tell her. Tell her what you appreciate about her and what is probably not as flattering on her. Now do not say to her “honey you are getting fat” nhai! And do not say things like “that outfit makes you look old”.
Be gentle and considerate, even if what she is wearing makes her look like a 32-year-old Gogo, don’t say that. Rather tell her you liked the way she looked when she wore the black skirts. Tell her that those types of skirts suit her better. Most women will get the hint. But of course most women will ask what is wrong with what she is wearing currently.
Then you just need to answer that it does not flatter her as much as the other outfit does. See how easy that is. If her weave is looking like a bird’s nest, simply tell her you would love to see her with something different and then pay for it. All women love it when their men give them money to change their hairstyle. I must be honest, the weight thing can never be handled well.
No matter what you say, she will take it the wrong way kikiki. But the thing is – better to tell the truth than to let her get larger. So James, why don’t you start spending time with your family, learning to love and appreciate them again and start spending less time with the woman at work. I am sure you will start to see the woman at work as more of an unnecessary distraction; but you will start to appreciate your wife more and more.Relationships are a two way thing my friend, so you both need to put in effort for it to work. But it only takes one person to destroy it. You are quickly heading on the destruction road James, I would suggest you see the signs, stop, turn around and re-look at what is causing this. I think I have given you enough to think about now.
Hope this works. Until next week God Bless!
Anastasia can be messaged on 0772 933 845.
Online Reporter