Marriage more than exchanging vows

event whose origins are not Biblical.
In 1999, an anonymously written poem, “I Got Flowers Today” landed on many women’s e-mail boxes, this writer included.
It talks about marriage, a topical issue since the creation of Adam and Eve.
Despite problems faced by some married couples, it is also evident that more than a decade later, people are still looking for a deeper understanding of the main issues in the poem, most of them — abuse in marriages.
Through teachings, some married couples are appreciating that marriage is more than exchanging vows. It’s a covenant relationship, where mutual love and respect should be upheld.
This week, The Arena reflects on Valentine’s Day with special focus on the state of the marriage institution.
To help us do that is Apostle Langton C. Kanyati who recently published a book Building a Great Home – Establishing a Strong Marriage.
The book was published by Zoe Publications.
Apostle Kanyati is president and co-founder of Zoe Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited Ministries International Interdenominational Ministries.
The book was edited by ZTV news anchor Grace Tsvakanyi and it was launched a fortnight ago at the Dutch Reformed Church.
Apostle Kanyati said that many marriages today are facing innumerable challenges because married couples have left out God in their relationships.
Together with his wife Apostle Florence Kanyati, who is an established writer in her right, he spoke at length about the issues affecting marriages, and pointed out that the book is a manual with principles meant to cure troubled marriages and restore the family union as God originally intended. Below are excerpts of some of the issues raised by the author and Apostle Florence.
Home versus house
Apostle Kanyati said that he chose the title Building a Great Home – Establishing a Strong Marriage, because, “people live in houses, but there are a lot of things in a house, e.g. furniture.
“However in a home, it’s not about furniture. When you talk of a home, you are talking about the environment which offers affection and security. So, if a home does not offer affection and security it means (that) it is a house, because every home must offer affection and security”.
To support the point, Apostle Florence said, “The author has a way of putting things across. People are taking up so much time studying how to build great economies and great organisations.
“They are forgetting the mono-fabric of the family, which is the home. If there is no great home, there is no great organisation, no great society. There is no great world to talk about. If ever we are to talk about a better world, it begins with a great home”.
She added, “People have been taught how to run great economies, how to run great organisations, how to think beyond the textbook, but unfortunately people have not been taught how to run and have a great home”.
She bemoaned, “Most relationships have become technical relationships whereby people are busy organising who is going to pick which kid from school and who is going to pay which bill.
“But this book is like a sobering fact. It tells you what it is; how you fall in love again. When my husband was writing this book, we fell in love by God’s grace”.
Marriage — An honoured institution
In the book, Apostle Kanyati demonstrates that marriage is an honoured institution — the only institution under the earth symbolic of the relationship between Christ and the church.
“You don’t find any other relationship in the Bible being equated with Christ and the Church except for the marriage institution. That’s how important to God it (marriage) is.
“Because it is an honoured institution, I want you to know (that) marriage did not originate from a culture or from a law. It was instituted by God Himself. Because He is the one who instituted the marriage institution, it means (that) if we are to build a strong marriage, we also have to go back to Him, because without Him, we cannot have a strong relationship.”
Marriage and third parties
There are a number competing parties interested that affect most marriages: families and friends, and some marriages end up falling apart.
Apostle Kanyati said, “We normally say in a marriage third parties are not allowed, BUT the only third party allowed in a marriage is God”.
“So, if God is party to a marriage, it means your marriage will work out well. In the book, I looked at the foundation of marriage. If you are to build a strong relationship, you need first of all to have a firm foundation. It is wrong to enter into marriage for the wrong reasons, e.g. getting into marriage because the woman is beautiful. When something happens to their face, will you still continue to love them?”
Fight for your marriage
Added Apostle Kanyati, “We are not talking about a relationship which is temporary. Marriage institution is a permanent institution, which according to God can only be annulled in the event of the death of both parties. Then, there is no marriage to talk about.”
He also said that today, many relationships were suffering because couples are unwilling to fight for their marriages.
“I mention in the book that the Bible says, ‘Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyard, our vineyards that are in bloom’ (Song of Solomon 2:15). The little foxes are those things, those problems that couples sometimes allow in marriages which destroy the marriage institution”.
Apostle Kanyati sounded a warning bell, “There is no one who can say because there are little foxes, let’s leave them in the vineyard. They won’t finish the grapes. By the time you wake up, they will have destroyed all the grapes. So, we need to fight for our marriages, even on those little things.”
Communication — The answer
The answer to a successful relationship is communication.
Said Apostle Kanyati, “There has got to be communication. If there is no communication in marriage, it cannot stand.”
Apostle Florence added, “This is a great tool for anyone who is serious about their marriage. This book is like a hospital.
“Maybe some marriages are in the mortuary, but by God’s grace the marriage which was dead will be resurrected. The book gives that oxygen that is going to start to put some life into that marriage that was dying.”
“There is no stage at which you can say you don’t need the book. Before you get married, it arms you with what to expect and with what to do. It talks about foundation. One of the foundations is our marriage.
“We started off as great friends. Then we had a great wedding, a great family, a great marriage, now there is a great book to testify about it. It talks about issues, and it is written in an honest way”.
There is no perfect marriage
Apostle Florence also said there was no perfect marriage and the book shows that should there be challenges in the marriage, what are the best ways to work them through in order “to bring the marriage to its best levels and to the optimum that God meant for it ever to be”.
Challenges are there, but by God’s grace, we know how to deal with them.
Jesus says a wise man builds his house on a solid foundation. When temptations, storms, challenges of life come, you know you can survive  . . . The good news is that we won’t lie and say storms won’t come. They will come. Waves will come. But you will be on a firm foundation, something that will sustain you and cause you to survive. We wish every marriage and those that had given up on their marriages success”.
Men — heads of their wives
Referring to the controversial topic on submission, Apostle Kanyati said, “One of the issues I mentioned (in the book) is that when God said man is the head of the wife, and Christ the head of the Church — what it means is that when the Bible talks of the head, many of us think of men being bossy. But the principle of headship according to God is not that of tyranny in the home, but one of leadership in love.
“So, as heads of the house, men should be leaders in love. This is the reason why the Bible says that when God created Adam, then for Eve He took a rib from Adam’s side.
“Why not from the head? If it were from the head, surely Eve would have said to Adam, ‘I’ll rule over you because I am your head’. And, if he had taken something from the feet, Adam would have said, ‘Fine, I will trample over you.’ But God took the rib from his (Adam’s) side. Why? To show that they are one, they are equal. Secondly, the rib was taken from the left side of the man’s heart in order for man to love her. And also under the arm so that she be protected”.
Divorce
Apostle Florence said, “We are treating the matter easily. Even in the churches, there are divorces. Even in the church, people are crying because of marriages. Three-quarters of the people that we see daily for counselling, it has to do with marriage. I want to say to men, I wrote ‘The Marriage Manual’, but you know when you are reading something from a woman you think it’s from a woman’s point of view. This time around, it’s from a man’s point of view.”
He is king; she’s queen!
Who should rule in the home and how should couples treat each other?
Apostle Kanyati said, “To the men, a woman who is loved, it’s easy for her to be submissive. To the women, there many are in relationships where the man is not yet saved. If he is not, it’s your responsibility to ensure that he is. Pray for them, and they will be saved.  Secondly, give your husbands their rightful place. When you give them their rightful place, it will be easy for you. Whatever you want, you get it. If you want to live like a queen, treat him like a king. If you want to live like a king, treat your wife like a queen. There is no queen without a king; and, no king without a queen. God bless you”.
Publishing in Zim
We have bemoaned the absence of locally written literature not only in our bookstores, but in schools and libraries.
Apparently this absence affects all disciplines, including Christian literature.
A recent survey of bookstores showed that the majority of Christian literature available is imported material.
Apostle Kanyati described some of the challenges writers, publishers and readers face:
“The majority of people in Africa look down upon their own writers and also some of the writers do not cater for the international market.
“Therefore, growth is stagnant and only works for a particular season, thereby defeating its life span. The costs of publishing books locally are very high. We have had many people enquiring about publishing their books but when they get the costs from the publishers they just give up. And I should hasten to add that Zimbabwe is rich with potential writers who are unfortunately hindered by the high costs”.
On why they have an in-house publishing house in the ministry and whether standards and quality are being maintained, Apostle Kanyati said this was a cost effective measure they had adopted.
“We have the requisite resources in-house including qualified and experienced personnel who are able to articulate the Apostles’ messages effectively . . . The publishing industry is to a certain extent on a slow pace as the market is flooded with products from other countries, thereby not giving enough leverage to the local authors”.
“There is great need to change the mindset of the country’s readership by making them aware that even gems are produced from our own local crop. At the same time, it is important to note that publishing books in Zimbabwe is very expensive compared to other countries. There is great potential for the growth of the industry”.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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