Money and money attitudes in family relationships

Nolwazi Mnikwa

I FIND it funny how some people would go to extremes to avoid buying a gift for their ”lover” on Valentine’s Day.
At the same time, someone out there made all the preparations necessary for the day with some gifts ordered. The events that led up to Valentine’s Day and the events that actually took place on Valentine’s Day were quite interesting as they displayed the diversity of individual characteristics towards romantic relationships and money. Interesting as this subject matter may be, it is not what we are looking into. Today we will look into money and money attitudes in family relationships.

Africa has for the longest time prioritised the extended family setup. I suppose it is because of the value placed in relationships and family ties. Modernisation has however, swept in and contributed to the breakdown of the extended family setup and given much focus to the nuclear family set-up. Coupled with modernisation, the search for greener pastures overseas has also contributed to the breakdown of the extended family setup. The extended family setup is one that consists of several generations, the kind of setup where parents, children, cousins, uncles, aunties and grandparents live together. The nuclear family set-up on the other hand, is one where the home consists of the parents and children.

As a result of the breakdown of the extended family set-up, money attitudes towards family have also revolved for some while having remained the same for others. There are some family members who believe that there is one individual within the family who is responsible for the financial upkeep of the entire family. This responsibility is oftentimes ascribed to the eldest member in the family set-up or to the family member considered to be making ”a lot of money” in their career. The needs of this individual are not considered, and this individual is expected to cater for the upkeep of the home and all the relatives.

Modernisation brings with it a different money attitude in which parents within a family prioritise the family’s needs above extended family needs. This has been noted as a serious cause of conflict such that you hear relatives say, ”uyazenzisa”, ”uzenza ubani’?’, ”ngokubamba imali nje usehle watshintsha” or ”uzasikhumbula imali leyo ingamphelela”. Such sentiments are expressed concerning individuals who have opted to prioritise immediate family needs. These sentiments are often expressed by extended family who somewhat believe they are entitled to receive a share of the working individuals money.

An individual may get an opportunity to work abroad and because that person is abroad, there are family members who immediately believe that it is this individual’s responsibility to take care of the family. What these relatives forget is that this individual who has gone abroad has rentals, bills and expenses to pay in the new country and they have a whole lot of family back home so it really isn’t ideal to expect them to cater for every relative’s financial demands.

There is also a scenario of siblings or relatives who do not have much responsibility and their finances are used for their lifestyle upkeep which is at times above their means. Due to the fact that they will be living above their means, the people in this category tend to go ”broke” a lot sooner than their next paycheck lands. As a result, they run to the eldest in the family or to the one considered ”rich” in the family to ask for money for this and that. When they get the money, they are happy, but when they do not get the money, they start name calling the person they wanted help from, and at times they even use emotional blackmail on the person they sought help from. Emotional blackmail sometimes includes statements like, ”awulandaba lami” or ”uyakholisa ukungibona ngihawula”. The emotional blackmail statements normally tend to reveal a dimension of entitlement from the one seeking help. An example of such a statement is highlighting that when the person wants something they buy it, no matter how unnecessary it may be.

The term Black Tax has been coined to describe the financial obligation that working members have towards their extended family. These obligations are outside their own living expenses. This obligation results from a belief that it is either the eldest child or the one considered rich in the extended family setup that has the responsibility of taking care of everyone. If this person chooses to prioritise their needs, conflict arises. This belief has removed the aspect of individual financial responsibility to each and every person in a family, and it has delegated that responsibility to one person which in my view is very unfair.

Money and money attitudes, if not handled well in family relationships result in conflict and at times family members stop talking or relating to each other due to money. Sometimes you hear talk such as ”uzibani waloya ubani ukuze athole inotho” (so and so bewitched so and so to get wealthy). Such talk emanates from differences in money attitudes and beliefs. Sometimes you hear, ”hanti ulenyoka emsebenzelayo ehlanza imali nsuku zonke” (they have a snake that works for them and vomits money on a daily basis). I am not even going to say my opinion on this as this is not the platform for it. What I can say is that sometimes the entitled that believe they are not getting their due from the “rich” individual in the family can create such rumours just to spite the ”rich” individual in the family.

As we wrap up today’s discussion, I would like to leave you with a thought-provoking question. What is your money attitude in the family context? Are you the entitled or are you the one being pressurised by beliefs to acquire debt all in the name of family obligation? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying someone who is in a position to take care of their family mustn’t do so. I am saying someone should extend a hand to their family at a level they can afford without being pressurised or forced to.

I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and feedback as well as relationship topics you would like to have covered. You may send these to [email protected] or to +263775978857. Keep safe and be blessed.