Online Reporter
DEAR AMAI, thank you very much for your column; it is both educational and entertaining. I am 29 years old and my husband is 32. We are blessed with two children.
In addition, we are both gainfully employed. My husband has a big post at his company. Many people from his side of the family say he was a sickling when he was growing up. This was confirmed by his mother, who informed me that she once took six months off work because he was critically ill and she had to attend to him.
Each time she recalled this, she would jokingly tell us that we should buy her a cow (kuripa) for her loss of work and we would laugh it off. A few days ago, we were shocked when sekuru, my mother-in-law’s brother, came to officially ask for the cow.
My husband immediately called his father, who angrily distanced himself from the whole saga. We are confused and do not understand this. Is there anything like this within our culture?
Response
Dear writer, thank you very much for reaching out to me and for supporting the column. I am as shocked as you are. When someone pays any token for the purpose of kuripa, it means they are admitting that they did something wrong.
If your mother-in-law wanted her son to buy her a cow, she should have made a clear request. Her son did not choose to be born or to be ill during that period. She was not alone during this ordeal because she had baba (your father-in-law) by her side, thus she had support from the other parent.
In our society, some parents have had children with health issues or even worse conditions, but they never asked for anything in return for the assistance they rendered.
Instead, they thank God for their children’s lives and for seeing them through.
Your mother-in-law and her brother are being greedy. Culturally, there is nothing that justifies this request.
Why is baba entirely distancing himself from the whole thing? As the head of the family, he should call for a meeting where elders from both families can discuss this anomaly. I wish you all the best.
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Why can’t people leave the past behind?
Dear Amai, I hope this finds you well. I am 28-year-old and my wife is 24. We are blessed with a son. I truly believe I married the love of my life as we are very happy.
I lost my father at a young age and my elder brother used to assist our mother with school fees and groceries, some of which I would take to boarding school. We became very close and he was like the father I never had.
The problem now is that he is on very good terms with my ex-girlfriend. At times, he even visits her in the company of his wife. This is not sitting well with my current wife and it is driving a wedge between us. If he truly loves me, then he must accept my choice of partner.
Our mother is alive, but I dread involving her in this because I fear it will further divide the family. How do I work this out?
Response
I am very well. Thank you for asking. It is very refreshing to hear about happy marriages these days. Well done, keep the fire burning! Your big brother is truly overstepping.
There is absolutely no need for him to befriend your ex in such a way. You have moved on and he should do likewise. If left unchecked, this behaviour will have further negative ripple effects on your marriage.
You must inform your mum and have a family meeting. Your brother and his wife owe you an apology.
Would he be happy if the roles were reversed and your wife’s sibling maintained such a close relationship with her ex? He needs to lead by example. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Ready to risk it all
I am a 35-year-old single and, I believe, very beautiful woman. I sometimes feel our culture is quite unfair to women. For the past two years, I have had a huge crush on a guy I share an office with at work. I have tried every trick in the book to get him to notice me, but he seems completely oblivious.
I have given him gifts for Christmas, his birthday and even Valentine’s Day. If he had just put two and two together, he should have figured out my intentions.
I almost told him I loved him, but I could not bring myself to go against cultural dictates. I really do not want to lose this guy. How can I fast-track my request and make my feelings known?
Response
You cannot blame everything on culture. How well do you know this guy? Is he in a relationship or is he single?
How does he reciprocate when you give him these intimate gifts? What do you have in common?
Are you socially in the same bracket? There are many things to take into consideration before you bravely tell him how you feel. You can take charge and tell him, though it is not very common.
He is a colleague and you share an office. If he turns down your request, where would that leave you? Would you be comfortable around him or when you see him talk to other people?
This guy is not blind at all. You need to dig deeper. He may genuinely not be interested. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
derick.khumalo