Sundaymail Editor
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope you are doing well. I am a 25-year-old lady and my husband is 27.
He happens to be the firstborn in his family. We are blessed with two kids, a boy and a girl.
My mother-in-law imposed herself and gave both my children names that I did not agree with when they were born.
When she visits, she calls them by those names and they get confused.
The last time she came, the girl refused to be called by that name. She was so upset that she refused to eat.
My husband is either weak or confused because he takes her side when she is around and switches back to mine when she is gone. The names she calls the kids are not even registered; they do not appear anywhere on their birth certificates. I do not understand why my mother-in-law gets emotional when it comes to these names.
She has not contacted me since she left two months ago. Please help. How can we make this right?
Response
Hello writer, I am very well. Thanks for asking. This family squabble is petty; it is like a storm in a teacup.
If truth be told, only the biological parents of a child are duty-bound to name their children.
Other members of the family at large can only do so when they are asked.
I think it is high time you sat down as a family and told your mother-in-law the truth.
The names she calls the kids by are as good as nicknames because they are not official.
I still think you should have told her way back.
I do not understand, however, if this is an issue she should get upset over.
Encourage your husband to man up and call a spade a spade. I wish you all the best.
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I don’t want to share my wealth
I am a 40-year-old man and I have never been married.
I have been in and out of relationships, but I find most women controlling and very fond of money.
I am in a new relationship and I would like to get married.
However, I want to remain independent when it comes to my money and other provisions.
My girlfriend is a businesswoman in her own right and I do not want to involve myself in her business dealings so that she will also refrain from involving herself in mine. Do you think this approach will work?
Response
Greetings, dear writer. From my understanding, marriage is an institution where the vows you take require you to share whatever you have.
After all, you are two people deciding to become one.
You also need to consider how dynamics may change once you are blessed with kids.
You will have to share your resources with your family.
Marriage entails shared accommodation, food costs and many other unbudgeted expenditures.
You cannot have your cake and eat it. You are either all in or out.
Your mindset clearly shows that this kind of union is not for you unless you are willing to make the necessary adjustments.
Have a candid talk with your girlfriend before you commit. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Relatives accusing me of being stingy
Makadii Amai? I am 38 years old and married to a man of the same age.
We are blessed with three kids. I have three siblings, two brothers and one sister.
I am degreed and gainfully employed and so is my spouse. I hear a lot of rumours from my husband’s side that people gossip about me for being mean.
They say I do not give generously, although I try my best.
Last week, my mum passed through my house on her way to her doctor for routine check-ups.
I told her about this rumour because it was eating me up. I got the shock of my life when my own mum confirmed this.
She said that is why they never ask for anything directly from me unless I volunteer to give or help. She made it worse by telling me that even my people found it easier to ask for help from my husband behind my back.
I am heartbroken. I have cried my eyes dry. How many other things am I not aware of? Amai, what should I do?
Response
I am very well and thank you for inquiring. I felt your shock and pain when you stated that you were heartbroken.
It causes a lot of discomfort to know that a lot was said behind your back.
Your husband should have given you a heads-up.
Back-biting does not solve anything because whatever is communicated does not reach you.
I am glad your mother told you the truth, although it took long. It is each parent’s duty to help mould their children into considerate and responsible people.
I advise you not to take offence; talk to your mum and let her help you through this.
Turn over a new leaf and go the extra mile for others.
Do not be forced to do the impossible; remain within reasonable limits. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
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