Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope this finds you well. I am a 28-year-old married woman and mother of one.
When I first met my husband, I was dating his best friend. We were at a party at my then-boyfriend’s apartment when we ran out of food and drinks and the two of us were sent to the shops to buy more.
To make a long story short, we fell for each other during that trip. We are now married, but the two men are no longer friends.
Because of how we met, my husband does not trust me at all. I rarely go out alone and he constantly checks my phone and tracks my movements.
Last week, we sat down to discuss these disturbing habits, but his response broke my heart. He confirmed that he acts this way because our history still bothers him. I cannot turn back the hands of time. How can we solve this?
Response
I am very well, thank you for asking. Your account sounds almost stranger than fiction. While you cannot turn back the hands of time, what happened that day was wrong and it is something you will likely always regret.
You displayed a high level of disloyalty and trust issues will continue to hang over your marriage until you actively seek help. Both of you are to blame for actions that undoubtedly left a bitter taste in your former boyfriend’s mouth.
I strongly advise you to attend couples counselling to address trust, faithfulness and loyalty. Your husband is equally responsible, as he betrayed his best friend.
You must openly confront these ghosts of the past to resolve them.
Once you do, you will be able to move forward as better individuals, better partners and better parents. I would be happy to hear from you again with an update.
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Mother-in-law
is a control freak
I am a 37-year-old married mother of three beautiful children.
After my father-in-law passed away two years ago, the family agreed that my mother-in-law should move to the city to live with us because she seemed lonely and lost.
We gave her the cottage on our property and granted her complete independence.
Unfortunately, she has started acting like the owner of the house and has become very meddlesome.
Last month, when my own mother stayed with us while attending routine medical check-ups in town, my mother-in-law told her that she had overstayed her welcome.
This created significant tension for all of us. How do we address her behaviour and establish proper boundaries?
Response
Hello. Thanks for writing in. Your letter was saddening to read. Well done to you and your husband for being there for your mother-in-law.
She, however, seems ungrateful and off-track. She is biting the hand that is feeding her. Telling you that your mum had overstayed was misplaced.
As a couple, have a candid meeting with her, make sure to invite other senior relatives to keep the peace and avoid misinformation from spreading.
A home is a place where all family and friends are welcome. She, therefore, must not overly police the home. I trust this will work and resolve the matter.
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Wife is driving me crazy
Dear Amai, I am a 25-year-old married man and my wife is 24.
We have been married for two years and plan to have children in the future, but I am already getting exhausted by her behaviour.
She insists on having everything done her way, including demanding expensive birthday presents.
She is a full-time housewife and while I truly appreciate everything she does around the house, she refuses to change her behaviour.
I have even shown her my payslip to demonstrate our financial reality, but it has not helped. Is this what marriage is supposed to be like?
Response
Greetings, dear writer. You should not be feeling exhausted after only two years of marriage, as this period is meant to be the honeymoon phase of a union intended to last a lifetime.
I suspect you never went for pre-marital counselling, which would have helped you understand married life, financial management and the importance of not living beyond your means.
Get someone you respect and trust to sit you down and advise you on living within your means. It could be a pastor or respected relative. If you have access to professional services that would also serve you well.
Once your wife understands that you must live a modest lifestyle because of where you are in life at present, she will become a team player and the marriage will be more enjoyable.
Do not throw in the towel yet; communicate and work as a team. A rocky start often leads to a triumphant finish.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
