Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am 36 and my wife is the same age. We are blessed with two sons. The youngest is still a toddler. I call the baby the househelp’s son because she is like a second mother to him.
My wife is an absent spouse and mother. She is hardly at home; she is at work most of the time.
Rumour has it that many affairs happen at her workplace. However, I have no proof at the moment.
I have complained about her absence and asked her to quit her demanding job for the sake of our union. I even promised to regularly compensate her to cover for her loss of income.
Her response was rude and abrupt. She said, given a choice, she would rather quit the marriage than her job.
I feel sorry for the househelp, who is now overwhelmed, and our kids, who miss their mum. At times she comes home very late at night. I am at the end of my rope. I do not know what to do. Her job has torn us apart. Please help.
Response
Dear writer, thank you for your letter. Reading it made me very sad.
If your wife cannot be present for her children and spouse, she is living as though she were single.
I am wondering what her designation is because even the owner of a company must have time for their family.
Her behaviour leaves room for speculation, which is very unfortunate. Please try to go for professional counselling to get to the bottom of the matter. This kind of behaviour is very odd, especially when one has young children. I wish you all the best.
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Our son seems to be forgetting us
Dear Amai, my husband and I are retired teachers. We are blessed with two adult children — a son and a daughter — both living abroad. Collectively, we have three grandchildren. My son and daughter-in-law have invited her parents to visit them for two consecutive Christmas holidays, but they have never made similar arrangements for us.
It feels as though he has forgotten that he is who he is because of us. When I asked why we had never been invited, my daughter-in-law bluntly replied that she enjoys spending quality time with her parents more than with us. This response hurt us deeply. Would it be fair if we cut ties with them?
Response
Dear writer, thank you for reaching out. You sound very angry and I understand why. Your son is who he is today because of your efforts.
Parenting is a lifelong responsibility, and it should not result in regret. Although there may be some truth in your daughter-in-law’s answer, her response was uncalled for and disrespectful.
She may have spoken without thinking. Cutting ties is not the solution. As adults, you need to consider the bigger picture — what would this mean for your innocent grandchildren?
I encourage you to call your son and daughter-in-law and express your concerns. Let them know you would love the opportunity to visit.
I am confident that, with dialogue, you will reach common ground.
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I jumped the gun
Dear Amai, how are you? I am 24 and my husband is 39. He was once a close friend of my sekuru (my mother’s brother). We met through him and married within three months. To cut a long story short, the marriage is not working. We are two very different people, and I admit we rushed into it. Sekuru pushed for this marriage for his own personal gain.
It has been six months since lobola was paid in full. I do not want to plan a white wedding. Please do not suggest counselling — I do not want anything that keeps me in this union. I have already moved back to my apartment. How do we dissolve this traditionally?
Response
Greetings, dear writer. I am well and thanks for asking. If you follow this column, you should know that I encourage people to go for pre-marital counselling before they commit. This gives people a chance to see if a clear road map exists before they embark on the journey. Why have these differences between you and your spouse become more apparent now? What reason did you give your spouse before moving out? Were you ever in love? These are the questions a counsellor can help you answer and understand.
I think it is pivotal you consult one before you go any further; some bells cannot be unrung. To answer your question on dissolution: you would need to go back to tete and explain the situation. She knows your family structures and will follow protocol and cultural dictates. It pays to pace yourself through courtship; otherwise, you risk crashing and burning. I would be glad to hear from you again.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
