Online Reporter
This week, we will be featuring letters that shed light on some of the causes of domestic disputes. These include suspicion, the pursuit of a lavish lifestyle despite a lack of financial stability and religious conflicts that may emerge within a marriage.
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I am a 24-year-old man and my wife is 21. We have a one-year-old son. Both my wife and I are employed. I work 20 kilometres outside town, directly opposite my wife’s workplace.
We only have one car, so my wife has to use public transport. I am deeply concerned about what I have been observing between my wife and our neighbour.
When my wife leaves for the bus stop, our neighbour goes out at the same time. At the end of the day, they return home in the same kombi or mushikashika, even though they do not work at the same company. How can this always be the case?
This cannot be sheer coincidence. The situation is really troubling me and I am beginning to dislike the man next door. Should I talk to him or my wife about this? Please help.
Response
You do not have any solid evidence of wrongdoing and it is possible this is entirely coincidental. That said, as you noted, a pattern of such “coincidences” is uncommon.
It is possible your neighbour is intentionally coordinating his movements to match your wife’s or that they are doing so together. The old saying “Where there is smoke, there is fire” may apply here.
The best first step is for you to talk to your wife. Explain your observations and how they are troubling you, but avoid being accusatory.
It is important to hear her side of the story and understand what is happening. The next step may involve making some adjustments to your routine.
You could consider waking up earlier to drop her off at work and pick her up afterwards or you could give her the car so she does not have to use public transport. This might mean you have to carpool with a colleague or find other ways to commute.
Making these adjustments will give you an opportunity to truly find out what is going on. I hope it turns out to be nothing to worry about. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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My wife is too materialistic
We are newlyweds. My wife and I are both 28 and we have been married for just three months. We do not have any children yet. I am not sure whether I can afford to meet her demands.
She changes her expensive hairstyles frequently and gets manicures and pedicures as often as possible.
Her perfume and makeup are also very expensive. Please do not get me wrong — I want her to look good, but I think she should use products that fit within our budget.
When she moved in, she suggested we start eating healthier, which we have done. We no longer eat fast foods; we now pack our lunches for work.
However, the recipes she uses are costly. I am already struggling, Amai, but I do not know how to bring this up without sounding like I am complaining.
When we were dating, I used to spoil her occasionally, but it was not a weekly occurrence. I love my wife, but I have already started borrowing money to keep up with her demands. Please help.
Response
There is a popular saying nowadays that goes: “Tanha dzaunosvikira”. It means you should choose a partner who is compatible with you in all aspects, including financial habits.
The fact that you got married and are in love tells me that the two of you get along well.
It is commendable that you want to provide for your wife, but one of the cornerstones of marriage is being honest with your partner. You need to have a candid conversation with her. As long as you have each other and your basic needs are met, you will be fine.
Some of the materialism you see in the younger generation is driven by a desire to impress others and live a lifestyle beyond their means. Be honest with your wife. Let her know that there needs to be some cutbacks in her lifestyle.
If she truly cares for you, she will understand and apologise for putting you under such strain. Explain that your lifestyle needs to be adjusted based on your income.
It will not be like this forever; whenever you have a surplus, you can still choose to spoil her from time to time.
To my other readers, please be honest in your relationships and try to avoid living beyond your means. It is difficult to maintain a fake lifestyle.
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Torn between two churches
Thank you very much for your column in The Sunday Mail. I am a 29-year-old married woman with a daughter aged three. My husband and I have been married for a year, but we still live with my in-laws.
I attend a Pentecostal church, but my in-laws have been pressuring me to join their family church.
To avoid the constant arguments, I started attending their morning service. As soon as it is over, I go to my own church in the afternoon.
Their church is very passive; when I attend the services, I feel like a zombie and do not even follow what will be happening.
Last week, my in-laws held a family meeting to once again discuss me over my attendance of two different churches on the same day.
They do not seem to understand the concept of freedom of worship. Amai, please help. This situation is causing a lot of discord in my marriage and my home.
Response
Hello, thank you for writing in. I am glad to hear you enjoy the column and learn from it. There is a lot to unpack here.
First, the fact that you and your husband are living with your in-laws may make them feel they have the final say on which church you attend.
While this is not right, it is the reality of your situation. Ideally, you and your husband should attend one church together as a family. Compromise is a huge part of marriage.
Conflicts like this are often addressed during premarital counselling, which I am sensing you and your husband might not have had.
The way your family is behaving is not in the spirit of Christianity. Christ himself stood for unity and universal inclusion.
All of you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, regardless of which church you attend, so the specific denomination should not matter.
I urge you and your husband to find your own home as soon as possible. Once you have your own space, try to find a balance between the kind of church you prefer and the traditional one he is accustomed to. Be sensitive to each other’s needs and work together to find a solution.
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Online Reporter