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Laina Makuzha-LOVE by DESIGN
This week my in-box had a number of messages with a topic that wasn’t new to me but what surprised me in that it was coming from different people, all in the same week!
One was a video urging men to take better care of themselves, how some of them tend to neglect themselves in the process of working for the wife and family.
It painted a gloomy picture but a reality for many, as I picked up from the comments received. Yet another spoke of how men suffer in silence when it comes to happiness and fulfilment in their marriages.
This one painted women as the “culprit” who came across as selfish in terms of meeting the needs of their spouses. I didn’t concur with this one though — as there are two, even 3 — sides to every story.
The piece however, went on to shed some light on what this perceived “neglect” does to the man and how some find solutions and happiness outside their union — which sounded like a justification and position regarding infidelity.
We recently spoke about how the needs of men and women can indeed differ. I believe however, the differences are not impossible to work through, for a successful relationship or marriage, unless communication is neglected in that relationship.
So this week I felt compelled to touch on an aspect of communication which can build up and literally pull a relationship apart, that is the common habit of stonewalling.
Just what is stonewalling?
The term refers to the behaviour or act of shutting down emotionally during a conversation or argument, some would call it the “silent treatment”, and others lump it with “ghosting” which has found more reference and prevalence in this advent of social media.
Often, people engage in stonewalling as a defence mechanism to avoid conflict or feeling overwhelmed or offending the other. It typically involves withdrawing from the conversation, some people are experts at this, both men and women — refusing to communicate, or giving minimal responses, leaving the other person feeling unheard and frustrated. Tisadaro veduwee! It creates an invisible rift but one that has debilitating effects.
Effects of stone walling: When one partner engages in stonewalling, it becomes challenging to understand each other’s needs and work towards resolving conflicts effectively. I can’t emphasise enough, how healthy relationships require open and honest communication where both partners feel safe expressing their emotions and concerns.
Stonewalling impedes this process by blocking the necessary dialogue, preventing the couple from finding common ground and mutually satisfying solutions.
No doubt such a scenario can significantly damage a relationship over time. It creates emotional distance, erodes trust, and diminishes emotional intimacy between partners — if you are in the habit of doing this to your partner, just know you are creating cracks that can grow to become overwhelming.
The silent treatment and avoidance can leave the other person feeling rejected, unimportant, or even question the strength of their relationship. In the long run, stonewalling can lead to resentment, unresolved issues, and a breakdown in communication.
Some thoughts on handling a partner who stonewalls:
1. Recognise your own emotions: Before addressing your partner’s stonewalling behaviour, take a moment to understand and regulate your emotions. It’s important to approach the situation with a calm and composed attitude.
2. Choose an appropriate time: Find a suitable moment to discuss your concerns with your partner. Avoid bringing up the issue when both of you are already stressed or occupied with other responsibilities.
3. This one goes back to that point of expressing your feelings, but ensuring you don’t come across as outright judgemental as this can just fuel the stonewalling. So remember to share your emotions and concerns using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. I like sharing examples, so, you could say, “I feel frustrated and disconnected when you stonewall during our conversations.” Ask them what would make the situation more conducive for them
4. Encourage open communication: Remind your partner that their feelings and opinions matter and that you genuinely want to understand their perspective. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable expressing themselves without fear of judgment or confrontation.
Responding with Empathy:
While it may be tempting to adopt a ‘tit for tat’ approach when dealing with stonewalling, it’s important to remember that two wrongs don’t make a right. Responding to silence with anger or aggression will only escalate the situation. Instead, respond with empathy, patience, and compassion. Encourage open dialogue and validate your partner’s emotions, even if it takes time for them to open up.
In a healthy relationship, we know that effective communication is paramount. Stonewalling therefore, can be detrimental to understanding each other’s needs and resolving conflicts.
By recognising stonewalling as a damaging communication pattern, handling it with compassion, and responding with empathy, you can take constructive steps towards nurturing a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Remember, working through conflicts together and valuing open communication lays the foundation for a healthy and lasting bond.
Have you ever given your partner the silent treatment or been on the receiving end of it? Let’s continue the conversation. You’re welcome to share how you resolved it, or how they handled it.
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leeroy
Online Reporter