adminBAR TALK with Bra Gee
Who am I?
I am not sure what it is with people and poking their noses into matters that are none of their business. First of all it was my sex video with that small-teamed person that I dumped as soon as I got a feel of what a real African man should be like.
But I am not talking about sizes, rather about the multitude of people without a life. Let me tell you that the scandal surrounding leaked sex tapes says more about the people who make noise about it than the participants in the home made porn movies. Why do people watch the stuff if they find it disgusting, immoral or whatever? It must be because they are not getting any action, otherwise they would be too busy for voyeurism.
Next the media and its unwashed followers made it a point to interfere in my affair throughout the years. Now I am married and everyone starts talking about whether or not I am in reproductive mode. I proved my fecundity in pre-school so why would it be a big case now if I have fallen pregnant? People should concern themselves with their relatives and friends who are complaining about having to come up with a few dollars to register for public hospital deliveries.
All these big-mouthed nobodies should be concentrating on telling their sisters, mothers, aunts, cousins, wives, girlfriends, lovers, enemies, friends, grandmothers, nieces, neighbours, brothers, uncles, fathers and ancestors that mass reproduction among the poor is the reason why some families will never be rich. For if you cannot afford to deliver a baby, how are you going to bring it up?
Which is not something that you can say about me. Love or hate me, you certainly cannot dispute that any baby of mine will be swagged up in designer disposable nappies while chugging designer infant formula after being delivered in a swanky maternity home by a snotty obstetrician. So worry about your connections who need your help, and let me live my life, please. But even if you cannot do that, see if I care.
#Gore redzidzo
There has been a long going debate as to why Zimbabwean would-be comics just seem unable to find never mind press play on our button for laughter. Someone has even theorised that the local people create their own jokes as a matter of course so why should they pay to watch someone fail to impress?
No wonder why the biggest pretender has had to blundering around trying to get day jobs. Because let us face it, our biggest comics are not to be found under the pseudo brands, at some corporate function, in a newspaper, on radio or on TV, but at the nearest kombi rank. All our beloved expression emanate from those centres where life is dissected to its barest bones then put together in its funniest form. So what if a good quota of the humour is bawdy, we love it anyway.
They say when you educate a woman you educate a nation and it was proved true yesterday. It has taken a woman to fill up a venue with people seeking to laugh and we sure do hope that the local men took some serious notes and they will realise that it is not that Zimbabweans are not prepared to pay for their comedy. No, we are just not prepared to pay for bad jokes. We already have enough of them in our daily lives. And anyway as one of our favourite regulars Miss Dee would say, life is too short to drink bad wine, it is also too sweet to listen to terrible humour. Dry humour we just might tolerate, but stupid jokes, hell no!
Finding religion
The usual place is agog with news that the bad girl of music has allegedly found religion. We all know that this young woman is talented as a singer, but her personal life reads worse than that of poor Whitney Houston. When her fame and little money went to her beautiful head, she immediately thought that stardom was about getting stoned on any substance that she could get hold of. Dagga, kranko, musombodia, any gun could shoot, even mataa. And of course while in that state she became like the unfortunate colonial district administrator’s horse; anyone and everyone could and did take a ride on her.
Then suddenly we hear that the girl has been born again. Of course we are happy that she is taking her life back, hopefully before it is too late. But the blasted cynical monsters that lurk at the bottom of our bottles cannot help asking if this is for real of if she has just realised that the church is where the money is at. For which musician has not realised that biggest crowd they will never pull is at the night of one thing or another? And which musician has not realised that the most lucrative contract that they will ever get is to perform at those nights which are getting more popular by the day. Something to do with getting the poor stoned on religion, we think some gentleman called Karl Marx once observed.
What now, Miss Zim?
We have never entertained any great hopes for the Miss World crown ever finding a home in our beloved teapot shaped borders. What baffles us is that the country has allowed a person who also agrees with us to run the local show. It is on record that she said that the systems has always been skewered against our girls from the word go so they will never ever win. And we immediately asked why she bothers if that is what she believes.
The Miss World pageant is a few weeks away and the only thing to note is that our default representative has been conspicuous by her absence on our radar. We think after her crowning the only time we heard of her was when she was mugged and when she testified in court on that case. So how has she been practising her elocution, handling her nerves and dealing with different personalities? In a studio with a coach? When she performs badly at the international pageant we want to bet that we will hear carpenters blame their awful tools ….
Rumour mill
We hear that some very big mountains are close to tumbling into insignificant little rocks. The tremors can be felt and when it happens soon, remember you heard it here first.
Last call: Fertile humour
Q: What does a blonde say when she finds out she’s pregnant?
A: “Are you sure it’s mine?” — jokes.cc.com
Till next week, bottoms up!
Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected], Twitter: @brageesbar
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