Andrew
AMAI, I hope I find you well. I am a 37-year-old woman married with two kids. I get on well with my husband and we have a comfortable life.
I have a sister and two brothers, both of my parents are alive and live at our rural home west of Harare.
My concern is that when my parents visit they never come to stay at my place. They only pass through to say hello and then go to stay with either my sister or one of my brothers.
I have never had a confrontation with one of them as far as I remember, unless it is something that happened when I was a kid. Last year, I was hospitalised for a week, they both came but never stayed with me. For the fortnight they were here, they would be driven to my place each morning then picked up end of day.
I have mulled over this for quite some time and it is breaking my heart. It is actually my mother-in-law who stayed with me and helped me a lot with the kids during the night. Each time I ask them they tell me not to worry and that they shall make time to visit. Amai, is this normal or there are some underlying issues that I do not know of?
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. I also find it strange that your parents never stay at your place. It is even more baffling that no one lets you in on the reason why. How close are you to your siblings? Since your parents choose to reside there, they may have the answer. At this point, all we can do is speculate. They may not like the area you reside in, they may have issues with your spouse or they may actually prefer the hospitality at your other siblings’ homes as compared to yours. Try to zone in on the exact reason. I hope it is nothing petty. Once you have isolated the cause, reach out to your mom and have a heart to heart. Tell her how secluded you feel and insist that on their next visit they come to stay with you. It shall be well.
*************
Friend refused to loan me money
I am a married young man and father of one. I have a group of friends and we call ourselves “The boys”. We have a lot of fun together especially during holidays and weekends. We also love our alcoholic drinks. We used to contribute money towards this cause, but now we switched to each man for himself. Last week I went out with the same group and I did not have money for drinks to last the whole trip.
I then asked my friend for an advance. He said he did not have any money to spare. I was very upset when I discovered that he had quite a lot of money. He sponsored many things on the trip and was showing off in order to just hurt my feelings.
He even asked another friend if he needed more spending money, but never offered me despite having asked before. Amai what type of friendship is he trying to show? Does he have other motives behind? Should I continue to hang around with him or confront him about this crude behaviuor?
Response
Hello writer. I can sense your disgruntlement. I will remind you though that loans are denied or approved by the lender. Your friend may have had the money and chose to do with it what he wanted and you cannot go after him for that reason.
In all fairness, your anger is misplaced and trivial at best. You need to do an autopsy of this new arrangement. Why has the group suddenly switched to an “every man for himself and God for us all” model?
Perhaps it is because the group dynamics are changing and everyone has more responsibilities. You are a married father of one.
How does your wife feel about you spending all this time and money with your friends instead of your own family? Strike a balance and do not waste time and energy pursuing the short lived goals.
At the end of the day, your family will always have your back whilst the same cannot be often said about friends, especially the ones that are only mostly present when it is convenient for them to be around.
*************
My marriage has hit a rough patch
Amai, I hope I find you well. I am 26, my husband is 28, and we are blessed with two kids. We were a very tight family but lately it has been different. I can see many red flags.
My husband is now very withdrawn and keeps his distance.
He now goes to the office during odd hours, more times on weekends and even holidays.
He does not want to lose sight of his phone and it has become his most cherished gadget.
We used to use our phones interchangeably but now he avoids this. We also used to joke with each a lot but now if I try to speak to him it is just one word answers.
It is sad because we have been married for five years. What could be the problem Amai and what is the way forward?
Response
Hello dear writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. I am saddened by the fact that you have hit a rough patch before 30.
The changes in his conduct and overall behaviour are alarming. However, you do not have the smoking gun. Investigating further would lead to a loss of trust and you may act irrationally.
I think you need to grab the bull by the horns and address the problem. Have a candid talk with him and outline all your concerns.
The next step would be to rope in a relative or counsellor so you can get to the bottom of this. The major problem I am sensing here is a lack of communication. Once dialogue channels are open, you will get the ball rolling. Brace yourself though they may be a lot that is about to unravel. Please keep me posted of the progress you make.
*************
Feedback: [email protected]; 0771415474
Online Reporter
Bongani Ndlovu