Red flags to look out for in relationships

Nolwazi Mnikwa

The countdown to the festive period has begun. So much excitement is in the air. Some people are looking forward to seeing their spouses, partners or relations from abroad, and others are looking forward to having their spouses, partners or relations spend some time away from work and with them in their homes. 

Some are gearing up for new romantic “Dezemba” relationships, the short term relationships that are mostly driven by benefits instead of feelings. 

Whatever the case, there is one thing we ought to look at before the festivities begin and this is the aspect of red flags to look out for in relationships. 

Having the ability to know and identify red flags in good time helps save one from a lot of heartache and unnecessary drama.

The term “red flag” is highly likely one that is not new to you, but what does it actually mean? 

A red flag is used as a warning of danger. When it comes to people, the term red flag is used in conversations concerned with toxic or abusive relationships. 

Toxicity or abuse can make its appearance in any type of relationship, be it among friends, colleagues, family members or partners. When toxicity or abuse occurs, relationships are broken. In some circumstances, the results of toxicity or abuse in the life of the victim are loss of self-esteem, low self-confidence, second-guessing oneself, indecisiveness, attention-seeking as well as an intense desire for acceptance, affirmation and approval. 

In extreme cases, the victims of the toxicity or abuse loses their lives either as a result of physical abuse or severe depression that leads to suicide. It is therefore important to, not only know what red flags are, but also to be able to identify them and either deal with them or avoid them altogether. Today we will look at a couple of red flags to look out for in relationships.

The number one red flag to look out for which is at the top of my list is lying. Lying causes mistrust and suspicion in relationships. 

Lying is also a pointer that the lying party has something to hide and a relationship built on lies has no foundation to stand on, it crumbles faster than you can say, “aah”. 

The reason why so many cry about “umjolo the pandemic” is because they have either not given themselves the time to learn about their love interest’s behaviours and thought patterns, or simply because they have ignored the red flags just so they can also say they are in a relationship. 

Dating these days appears to be a trend and there are some who do not want to miss out on this “oh-so-cool” trend thus they simply get involved in relationships while ignoring the red flags.

As we narrow down to the festive period, I without a doubt know for sure that the number one red flag to look out for is lying. It is no secret that there will suddenly be “network issues”  when some try to reach their girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers or spouses around 22 to 31 December. 

To avoid finding yourself in this bracket as well as to avoid having a miserable festive season, assess if there is a lying red flag in your relationship and find ways to deal with it as soon as possible if it is there. 

Note that these red flags are not only for new couples or people looking to start dating, but for the elderly couples as well. It doesn’t matter whether you have been married for 10 or 50 years, if these red flags are there, it is advisable not to ignore them but to deal with them for the sake of your peace and mental wellbeing.

The second red flag to look out for is constant jealousy. It may at first look cute when your lover is showing signs of jealousy when you talk to people of the opposite gender or when you simply want to spend time with your friends. 

At first it may come across as your lover just being so-in-love with you and that being the reason he or she is jealous about you spending time with other people other than him or her. 

However, in essence, this kind of behaviour is a big red flag as there is a fine line between jealousy and possessiveness. When the “cute” jealousy turns to possessiveness, the partner on the receiving end is subject to verbal, physical as well as emotional abuse. It is therefore important to pay attention to the signs and address them as soon as possible.

Anger management issues are another red flag to look out for. It appears adorable when he is shouting at people in your defence or beating up guys staring at you, it seems like he is just too in love, but that is a red-flag. 

What happens when you are the one to trigger him, what happens when you are the one on the receiving end of his anger? Similarly, if she cannot control her anger as your lover, what happens when you are on the receiving end of her anger? 

So whether it is a male or female who cannot manage their anger, the best thing is to deal with it as fast as possible. Identifying anger management red flags can go a long way in reducing the high number of domestic abuse cases that are there.

Another critical red flag to look out for is that of overly controlling behaviour. This one is closely linked to possessiveness. The distinguishing factor being that the overly controlling individual will want to control your movements, your behaviour and even your beliefs. 

You will basically have your freedom of being and your freedom of expression taken away as that overly controlling lover will want you to do things in accordance to his or her wants and beliefs. 

When you encounter such an individual no matter how handsome or beautiful they are, for me I think the best advice is described in a song by Joyous Celebration which says “Baleka ngenyawo zombili”. An overly controlling individual will not hesitate to beat up their lover especially if the lover does not want to comply with the set rules. So in order to avoid hurt, pain and abuse, it is best to get out of that relationship while you still can. 

In the event that you are now married and have just gone so deep in your relationship, I would recommend couples therapy so as to help iron out such matters and help the relationship start on a fresh page.

The red flags mentioned here are a few of many that are out there. In the next article, we will go on to look at more red flags to look out for. 

Once the red flags are identified, I would suggest you look for ways to address them with your lover. If the two of you are not able to find resolve, it is advisable to seek the services of a counsellor, whether it is a professional counsellor, a trusted relative who has relationship wisdom or a married pastor whose marriage reflects the kind of relationship you desire.

I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and feedback as well as relationship topics you would like to have covered. You may send these to [email protected] or WhatsApp +263775978857