malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married man aged 39. My spouse is 37 years old. We are blessed with two teenage kids. Both our mothers are widowed, so we decided to let them come and stay with us in our guest wing.
My mother is naturally conservative and she became more reclusive after the death of my father. For two years, she stayed with my sister but I thought she needed someone of her age and in the same situation to spend time with.
I asked my sister to let her come and stay with me. The two women generally get on well but from my observation, my mother plays second fiddle. My wife’s mother bosses her around and asks her to do chores for her.
She is not as free as my mother-in-law is. I always tell her to feel at home.
However, she insists we get her a helper and that she would prefer to reside at our rural home. My wife treats the old women well. I am confused. I do not know whether I should talk to my wife about what I have observed or I should just keep quiet.
What do you think about the rural home request?
Response
Dear writer, I am well and thank you very much for reaching out to me.
Well done for looking after your mother and mother-in-law. In your own words, they generally get on well, so do not look too much into it.
I still cannot make head or tail about what your expectations are because you are contradicting yourself in this letter.
You stated that your wife treats both women well and that things are okay.
People grieve differently. Maybe your mum is still overwhelmed by the death of her beloved husband and you admitted that she is very reserved. The idea of settling at the rural homestead should not be rushed; take it one step at a time.
You could start by taking her there for weekends or holidays and monitor how she copes with the situation. It will help you see if she is interested. Please, do not be too critical; you may end up having a storm in teacup. I wish you all the best.
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Can I trust my friend with my man?
I am married and I have a young child. I stay in the same neighbourhood as my childhood friend. We are like sisters and we get on very well.
We always look out for each other. I will soon be away for a week and I intend to give her freedom to my house so that she can check on the baby.
She is single. I shared this plan with one of my colleagues and she was shocked and called me a fool. She told me that I should not trust any other woman with my husband, especially in my absence. I am now confused. I did not want to remove my baby from the environment he is used to. I can make plans to take him to my mother’s house. Amai, please, help me. I do not know what to do.
Response
Trust is one of the main attributes of any marriage. It will not thrive without it. Consulting too much at times pushes you off track. You had decided not to take your child from his familiar surroundings, which is a very noble thing for any caring mother to consider.
I do not understand the quick turnaround you made after consulting a colleague. It is also strange that you can entrust a colleague with your baby but not with your husband. You have been friends for many years. Naturally, you should know how best to handle this woman.
To cut a long story short, if you are confused or uneasy about the situation, then ask your mum to help babysit for you whilst you are away. It will guarantee you uninterrupted peace of mind.
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Ordered to pay lobola after 20 years
I have been with my wife for 20 years and we are blessed with four children. We get on well and we plan together.
The reason I have written to you is I got the shock of my life when my father-in-law sent munyai last week to remind me that I never paid any lobola for my wife.
I got very embarrassed because this was said in front of my children. Baba is even threatening to take my wife back and keep her until I pay my dues. What does he want the money for now? Why was he quiet over the years? I do not know what to do and I do not have a budget for lobola.
Response
It is refreshing to hear that you and your partner get on well. I will be very honest with you. Your father-in-law has every right to ask for lobola because that is what our culture dictates.
He respected you for 20 years and you took advantage of him. I do not think it is fair for you to begrudge your father-in-law for asking for something that must be given to him and the family as a token of appreciation.
I advise you to please comply and start the lobola process. The good thing is it can be done in instalments.
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