Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. My wife and I are both retired. We own property and run a few revenue-generating projects on the side.
I have several adult children, and my eldest son oversees most of these projects. I invested heavily in his education, sending him to expensive schools and university.
He now has a good job abroad, but I believe he has developed a troubling habit.
Whenever he sends money — or even when I receive income from the projects — he insists that I send him a detailed spreadsheet accounting for every cent spent. This does not sit well with me. I do not wish to be treated this way. If I had not been a responsible father, he would not be where he is today.
I no longer want any form of financial help from him. He can monitor his wife’s expenses, but not mine. Is this something all parents go through? What is your take on this?
Response
I am well and thanks for enquiring. Well done for being such a great father and for all your efforts. It seems there was a terrible communication breakdown between you and your son. In most cases, it is the way you talk and not what you are trying to put across that can seem offensive.
Demanding a spreadsheet and a breakdown of every expense is not necessary. I suggest you call a meeting and speak your mind. You are still the head of your family; guide them and let them know how you prefer things done. You are family and you will always need each other. Try to reach a compromise. I would be happy to hear from you.
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Mother-in-law disrespected me
I am 41 years old and my husband is 43. We are blessed with four children. Recently, my husband and I travelled to Dubai for a few days to do some shopping.
Although I did not have much money, I made a sacrifice and bought a beautiful suit for my mother-in-law. When I delivered the gift, she ignored me, and I was left wondering what I had done wrong.
Later, I learnt from my husband that she was upset because we had not responded to her request to instal a solar system at her house. What hurt me most was that she gave the suit to her sister without acknowledging my gesture.
The truth is, we had planned to surprise her with the solar installation as a Christmas gift. Her reaction has left me confused and disappointed. I am now unsure whether to go ahead with the plan or cancel it altogether. Please advise me, Amai.
Response
Hello and thank you very much for writing in. Well done for thinking of your mother-in-law while you were outside the country and buying her a beautiful suit.
There is no need for you to take offence. What you did for her came from the heart, and that is all that matters.
Her attitude speaks more about her own character and flaws than it does about the gesture.
Do not take it to heart; live your life. Go ahead and fulfil your Christmas surprise. After this, she will likely apologise for the way she behaved.
Do not keep grudges over small issues. Be the bigger person, especially in instances where people behave in a certain way to try and get a response out of you. I wish you all the best.
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Newlywed couple in distres
Dear Amai, I am a married woman with my own family. I serve as the senior tete in our extended family. Two months ago, my niece was traditionally married, and it was a beautiful celebration.
People sang, danced and ululated with joy. It was agreed that a few days later, we would escort her to her husband’s home for the kuperekwa ceremony.
However, the bride’s mother — my sister-in-law — refused to participate, saying the custom goes against her church beliefs. The groom’s family responded firmly, stating they would not accept the bride into their family without this tradition being observed.
They emphasised that all their daughters-in-law had been welcomed through this process.
My brother, who does not attend church, is unfortunately henpecked. His wife makes most of the decisions and this situation has become an embarrassment to our family. We are at a loss for what to do and the young couple is heartbroken.
We are now waiting for our eldest brother, who is returning from abroad, to guide us. He is known for being decisive and firm. Please advise us, Amai. What is the best way forward in such a delicate situation?
Response
Hello tete, I understand your concern. I know how much people in your position work hard and get misunderstood at times.
The bride’s mother is trying to play hardball and complicate things for no reason.
Lobola is a traditional ritual and once rusambo has been accepted, it is expected that all the associated steps, including kuperekwa, are followed. Culture is not something we can practise selectively — it is a package deal.
If her church does not want her daughter to complete the lobola process, then they should have resorted to the Western way of getting married — a proposal with a ring, followed by a white wedding.
This interference is disturbing the new union. The newlyweds are supposed to be in their honeymoon phase. Complete the ritual as planned. Please keep me posted. I would like to hear what your elder brother says.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
